HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Brushwood Doggies

HERE are some pictures of a cute 可愛い柴犬 shiba-inu ~ a "brushwood dog" the tiniest traditional Japanese dog breed.

I would quite like to get one of these.
If I didn't get a giant wolf-like Akita. I love Akita-inus, the furry swines!

Aren't they furry 毛皮 and entertaining 面白く and cute 可愛い?

Well I was in a bad mood and a half when I last posted, wasn't I? It probably doesn't show as I was trying to squeeze as much entertainment value from it as I possibly could. If I didn't, I probably would have gone out and shot somebody between the eyes.

I didn't really sleep last night, so I'm quite tired today. My sleep has started going all over the place

I've learned the Japanese characters for reiki 霊気 as in 私は霊気で元気を癒した。I used to get reiki every week from a friend of mine who was very attuned to the energy. I turned up the first time extremely cynnical, having heard that reiki was something anybody could pick up overnight. How wrong I was. You can really feel it: hot energy. spirit hands reaching inside me. At one point the therapist's hands got so hot they were burning; then she said "feel my hands then!" And they were cold. I was told I was especially receptive to the psychic emanations.

The 気 ki in the Japanese reiki is the same as Chinese chi.

When I still had my 3 little hamster gnomes Bashful, Itchy and Spherical, bashful's name in Japanese was 内気 uchiki "an indoor spirit". The Japanese word for electricity is 電気 denki "the spirit of lightning"... isn't that amazing! Vandalized in Chinese to . How vulgar.

Itchy in Japanese was 痒がって Kayugatte, Spherical's name 丸 Maru meant "round". I used to call them my little 速歩馬; my Chiisai Hayaashi-ba ~ my little Trotters.


"My little hammies are furry entertainers!"


Ukkkh: it's 10 minutes to 2. EastEnders is on. The omnibus edition: 2 hours or so of nonstop cockney accents and misery in houses furnished direct from the Argos catalogue (like (posh versions of) mine). I'm exhausted and I keep nodding off in front of the computer screen. I've a packet of chicken & veg cup-a-soups I'd love to eat as quick as they're made so the croutons have no time to go soggy). My opinion on cup-a-soups without croutons involves a bullet between the eyes!

I'd really like to get a tubby hammy. There's a hammyhouse you can get that consists of a giant wheel, so huge it resembles a washing machine drum. The tiny tubby lives in this drum and scurries away in it night after night. ButI know what hamsters are like. They'll try and build a nest on the drum, do a pooze on it, wash their ears for half an hour and then unpack their bulging pouches. And then look all surprised when they start to ramble and the wheel is clattering with flying bedding, seeds and pooings.

Onscreen, Albert Square's alkie crackhead, Phil Mitchell is going to NA following a one week crack binge half a year ago with a girl called Rainie. Watch the full entertainment of the "hardman of Albert Square" high on crack here.

小さい驢馬速歩馬; 小さい速歩驢馬
Chīsai roba hayaashi-ba; chīsai hayaashi roba

Little Trotter Donkey; Little Trotter Horse

This man's bipolar tuned him into a different level of reality and he says he's all the better off for it.
Have a look at his mangled leg from a botched suicide attempt. He says two broken legs from being hit head-on by a truck hurt considerably less than the bipolar depression he was setting out to cure...

Here's Stephen Fry discossing the issue of mood swings. He calls his own disorder "cyclothymia" (actually bipolar II) because it's constant mood swings that never go to psychotic extremes. From what I've heard type 2 bipolar can often be more inconvenient than bipolar 1 because generally speaking, more depression's involved and mere flashes of hypomania. Type 1 bipolars often have to put up with very extreme mania that can be more dangerous than the depression: a different kettle of fish. Type II bipolar patients get depressed for longer, but type 1s can get psychosis with the depression (and more especially the mania).

On the one hand I'm trying to get my head around this so-called "illness" of mine; on the other I'm just tired of the entire issue. I know I can get a bit obsessive. On the other hand you have to bear in mind how badly my head got addled up. I need to pick together the fragments of sense ~ and to piece them together again. It wasn't hearing voices or paranoia or conventional "psychosis" that drove me mad: it was going into a clanking centrifuge of a mental state so intense that my mind broke into smithereens while I was wide awake leaving me a verbigerating vegetable. I desperately looked up the otherworldliness that happened to me at the height of my malady; I think I was having "catatonic symptoms". Lovely business.

Never mind. I'm better now than I was. Yeah I'm depressed, but I'm sorting my life out. Slowly. One day at a time. In baby steps.

And even though I can't have a hammy now (because the nut-house risk is still there ~ and who would look after the tubby swine while I was in there)... I can still be entertained by Hammy in Tales of the Riverbank. I love his turnip accent. I love the way Hammy Hamster and Roderick the Rat can't resist nibbling the props. And how Hammy breaks into a massive ear-wash at every opportunity. And I love Hammy's surprised expression as he floats down the river in his motor boat..!


Anonymous said...

I had guinea pigs, called Pinky and Perky when I was a little girl. They lived outside in a hutch munching grass all day. But my brother and I used to sneak them inside in a shoe box when Mum wasn't looking.

Gledwood said...

weren't pinky and perky 2 pigs or something? i can't even remember who they were; i watched The Clangers, which was about mice who lived on the moon, which was made of cheese :-)

Anonymous said...

Ha, yes two puppet pigs who sang pop songs in voices like the Chipmunks!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

They are lovely dogs. You are right - one day at a time, Gleds. Don't forget - a lot of people care about you, all over the world. Lots of love from Simi and me. xx woof!

Gledwood said...

KiwiG: yeah, I thought they sang weird songs... a vaguely remember them from the Crap TV Years...

Welshcakes: grazie :-)

Syd said...

I miss your stories about the hamsters.

Gledwood said...

I wish I could get some more. I'm afraid of ending up in the hospital and have nobody to look after them...



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood