HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Shut Up Gledwood!

"SHOOT 'EM DEAD!"... methadone stinks!... blahblah. I want to die. Blah. I've been turning into a real stuck record of late. The most positive thing I can think of is that I'm into detoxing off this crap I've been on for all these years. The downside is that I'm not sure I can hack being on methadone, and that's why ... you see that's why I end up saying I want to die because I'm THINKING. Thought is the root of all human problems. Man's greatest achievements ~ the buildings, bridges, railways of the world ~ all started life as thoughts before they were ever realized as physical constructions. Why are my thoughts so negative?

See maybe I should stop blogging because I can't THINK of positive things to say.

I'm not SO lost I know what I want. I want to get this infernal house move OVER AND DONE WITH if it's happening. Then I ~//~

See I'm thinking about the council tax again. The tax I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO PAY. The tax that has resulted in piles of letters threatening bailiffs. I just wanna kill myself. When I started fucking up my life it was done with the deliberate intent of backing myself into a corner where suicide would be the only option. ~//~

OK this is what I was saying: I want to move house so I can just give up and go in the mental hospital. I've had enough. I want to go in the nuthouse. I don't care if I'm mentally ill or depressed or not depressed. I don't care about any of that. I just want to go in that nuthouse for the longest possible period of time and ideally never come out.

I even started wondering about committing a crime so I could go in prison at least in there you don't get bailiffs on your back for Council Tax your solicitor says you shouldn't be paying because you're "severely mentally impaired". I have no idea how to sort this out. I never open my mail and haven't for years because it only ever contains threats. Threats of making me homeless. Threats of Bailiffs.

No I started thinking about prison because it's the only place they'll look after you now that the mental hospitals have been emptied out.

See it's all negative again. I don't know how the hell I'm going to come off drugs and survive.

Does ANYONE have any ideas? I see no future.


Baino said...

Well I don't think prison's the answer. There are more drugs there than on the outside or so I'm reliably told. Seek support. Deshane? Someone from NA?

Anonymous said...

I agree prison is not the answer.
You know what you said about thinking? I think that you're right.
Distraction is a good tonic.
I mean to really get immersed in something. (not drugs)
You seem like someone with many interests.
There must be something else besides drugs that you really like to get you through the rough spots.

Anonymous said...

Have you tried citizens advice,i think if you've been on any benefits then you don't pay council tax,simple.But if they're threatening you with nasty letters they need to be told to fuck off.I have had similiar issues and went to citizens advice bureau and they even told me what to write,like lawyer speak and then the problem evaporated,seriously.They will sit with you and write and make phone calls on your behalf(if you're lucky and get a good one).I wish you luck.And i wish you weren't advertising anna grace's book here cos she hurt a lot of people.Oh well,never mind to quote the object of her sad obsession,kurt cobain....Annie x

Syd said...

You were off heroin for a day so you weren't really serious about being fed up or wanting to quit. I read what you write here and hope that you will really want to quit heroin. But so far, you go back. It is so familiar to me--the excuses and the promises. If you are going to come off drugs and survive, then you have to quit using drugs!

Gledwood said...

Syd: some idiot who owed me £5 phoned up with all this crap would I buy in heroin and crack. When I heard crack I went nuts, like I always do because I'd rather jump off a cliff than smoke that shit. Anyway about 3 hours later I just bought 1x heroin for myself. I was pissed off with the methadone because it's supposedly a "high dose" and supposedly blocks the euphoria of heroin which just is not true. I want to get down as low as possible on methadone which conventionally (according to the clinics) you really need to be heroin free to do. This isn't actually true. You can use heroin once or twice a week and still reduce methadone. Reducing the methadone is more important to me in the short term than never ever touching heroin. The more I make that a big deal the more likely I am to fuck it up. I know what I'm like.

Baino: it was only desperation of not being able to cope that made me think that

Anon: my problem is I distract myself away from bothering to keep clean, tidy up, do any washing up, do anything except the very absolute essential fewest things each day I somehow lost sight of what is or isn't important Idon't know

Anon: CAB you're right.Our local one has been crowded out with illegal immigrants (masses and masses of them) which makes me think immigration should be dealt with at some separate buildling.

They weren't that amazing last time I tried them but fuck it better than nothing!

I tried using the free lawyer at the methadone service but they rotate every few weeks, nobody knows your case and the lawyer basically did absolutely nothing except when I was physically sat in the room with them

Adrianna said...

please lisen to me.
I no life is not good. You no life is a shit.My life is a shit, ma you no have a lisen nobody.
For me you not crazy. You become on the drugs,ma you keep get away and you then is okay.
I haved hard life to and I be so mixed up and not no what I have to do,ma I no involved nobody only me.
I okay now.
You be okay to, ma no let nobody make you hopeless, no let nobody teel you wrong that you no is right.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood