I KEEP TRYING TO POST Positive Positive Positive but when it comes to it I just cannot keep the bullshit up. I'm trying NOT to think about Death, Suicide or Drug Addicts being round up and shot because doing so makes me unbelievably angry. Angry that our deadhead dimwit government won't DO something drastic about this problem for once and for all.
I woke up wishing I was dead with the phone ringing with Valium Marilyn saying she felt intolerably low. She asked whether I ever felt the same. I told her exactly how I feel. Marilyn has been depressed for years and it took me quite some time to recognize that. She clings to Valium as her last remining hope. I don't think it helps her. Marilyn no longer touches gear at all; she only ever takes pharmaceuticals. Benzodiazepines are not antidepressants. They're only good for anxiety and agitation. Some are licensed as sleeping pills. I only ever take them in small doses occasionally when I get anxiety attacks. Last thing I want is to get a benzodiazepine habit. Withdrawals from that are said to be the all-time worst, with some ill effects continuing for years after the pills were last taken.
I know I probably need some kind of mood stabilizing agent, but I don't even know who my doctor is any more. Technically I'm between clinics. But the new one hasn't written to me. And I need to see a doctor FAST.
As time marches on I feel more and more depressed. In the beginning, the tail end of mania was preventing me from going down too low; now that has gone I feel crap. The medication I'm prescribed is an antipsychotic and I'm not taking it. I don't think it helps with depression at all.
First thing I saw on wakening was a dead space alien. It was staring back at me from the cover over my bed. This is another symptom of depression: ugly twisted faces in walls, carpets and ceilings. They're nearly always set off by the wrinkles in piles of clothing or carrier bags or the play of light and shade against a wall. But knowing this isn't "real" does nothing to make it go away. Sometimes they stay for a long while. I know antipsychotics would help with that type of thing. But you have to look on the bright side. Visions and voices do add colour to life.
This glaring dead alien just made me get up quick when all I really wanted was to stay in bed. That's the worst thing about hospital: being made to get up in the morning when really you want to do nothing. I wish I had some kind of permanent housing so I could go in hospital without risking homelessness. As I said yesterday, next time I go in I don't really want ever to come out again.
If depression is a lack of energy I don't think I'm depressed. I feel energy. Just negativity as well. Every chronic malady I have had was a disorder of the energy.
Drug abuse is said to misaleign the energy system.
The first illness that really messed me up was Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Here the energy is massively misaliged. It's less a case of no energy (as in some depression) more a case of it being massively misdirected and running out very quickly. Mania seems to be a huge surplus of energy: I don't understand precisely how it occurs, but again some kind of short circuit must surely be responsible. When I was truly manic I felt thousands upon thousands of volts running through my brains.
So that's what's wrong with me: something to do with the energy system. Because I am prone to low self-esteem it often manifests as depression. But I'm not totally lacking in energy. As I say, there's some fault on the circuit that is making it run out faster than it should. Strangely when I was manic my self esteem soared higher than ever. I swaggered down the street and people visibly backed off from me. When I was angry (as I was a lot of the time) no words or actions were necessary. I merely had to look at people and they recoiled. Sometimes I wish I had the high energy back but it's only another "illness".
The opiates misalign energy, or at least align it differently, but heroin also seemed to put the breaks on my mood swings. Without heroin I'm definitely far moodier. Whether or not methadone actually provokes instability or merely fails to stabilize me it's hard to say. I still think the doctors are wildly negligent for prescribing anything that leaves me in the state methadone does. There are other treatments that wouldn't do this. But they're only available privately.
If I can get off all opiates I can at least give my brain a chance to restore itself. But it wasn't well before I started! I only went ON heroin after years of depression, then chronic fatigue syndrome and finally bipolar type mood swings. Yes the bipolar manifested BEFORE I ever had a habit on heroin. It's quite normal to experience depression for a few years and for mania gradually to interweve and kick in. This is why I say I cannot hope to be "well" off drugs. If the past is anything to go by, I'll just be drug-free and still sick.
I suppose the ideal would be to be "well". But that's probably too much to ask...
Here is a perceptive and partially nonsensical article about the misaligment of energy in bipolar disorder. The author states that people get the disorder due to bad karma from previous lifetimes when they were executioners and torturers. You wonder why I keep thinking about being executed? It's all down to my past lives!
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