HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, June 05, 2011

No we haven't done yet.

MY LAST post is annoying me so much I'm writing another one at 4:14am just to obscure it.

I wasn't in a very good mood when I posted that.

I'm not in a very good mood now. A few hours ago I seemed to get high on 3 cups of coffee. The 1st 2 were separated by about 4 hours, yet I still got all excitable and OTT.

Maybe I have what you call "mood swings". I can't sleep, won't sleep. Keep thinking about using 'eroin but I know that's not the answer. Maybe I ought to go back to NA. Maybe I ought to ask for a mood stabilizer. Maybe maybe maybe. I'm sick of thinking.

I owe all sorts of debts that I would like to clear but I don't even know who I owe the money TO. They get passed over to new people. I also owe council tax and my lawyer person wanted to get me declared Severely Mentally Impaired. I don't think I am anything bar misdiagnosed, I don't think there's anything wrong with me except "should have been drowned at birth" syndrome.

O wow see I try and say something new and the same old crap comes out time and again. I think I should perhaps start up a false blog full of cheery thoughts of nothingness that people with Alzheimers could swiftly forget. I am too pissed off for words.

Watashi wa ryūchō na nihongo o hanaseru yō ni naritai.

There: that says "I wanna be able to speak fluent Japanese".

Here is one thing that distracted me: a bouncing smiley:

This post's title is a random thought I picked up in my ears... no we have not done yet.


BUGGERLUGZ sent me this... thanks so much xxxxxxx
i really love Hammy; so tubby and furry with poppy eyes... not to mention the turnip accent...
"soon Hammy really gets the hang of firing the canon"... Hammy you furry swine!

Doesn't Hammy look cute in the aeroplane?...!


Spindrift said...

I am sensing a some what critical inner voice in the way you are laying this down. If possible, a gentler, kinder more loving conversation can be of use, I find, although yes, I do this too at times. Be well, Paul

Spindrift said...

Heard from Tonkey-Ears?

Gledwood said...

Yeah I did hear from Mousie, having a very loud scuttle in the night. I think he sneaks into the bedroom after crumbs then can't get past my feet. As I sleep on the floor. The bed has an Everest of TV sets, unopened bedclothes packets, bags of washing, old shoes etc on it.

Yeah it's a very irritable inner voice. I wish it would shut the fuck up. I could do with some drug that stops you thinking. I was very surprised to read that bipolar book saying depressed people stop thinking. I do remember being in a kind of catatonic state once but I honestly can't remember what I was thinking then. Hey maybe I should do yoga (isn't that a way of emptying the mind?), but I'm a Christian and yoga is comes from eastern pagan religions and I'm scared of getting possessed by demons.

I mean there's always heroin, but to be frank I get more of a high off cup a soup than that shit nowadays!

bugerlugs63 said...

hi, not here to comment on post . . .yet, as bit busy with Hamper girl. But was looking for some old Black & white "tales of the riverbank" for her yesterday . . none that old, but this one totally reminded me of you . . .and quite apt at the minute. Soz if already seen it, had Hamper g in hysterics . . hope it at least makes u smile? back later,
much love,
take care,


word verify carin (carin'. I actually do care about you, but not sure what to say when you r down ;-( x . .)

Gledwood said...


don't worry about what to say, i say it all to myself

put a fucking gun to the head (ain't got a gun) jump in front of the last train (10 to 2 in the morning) but the station is nearly 20 mins walk by the clock

don't worry i know there's nothing to say, i woudn't know what to say either %-/...

but thanxxxxxxx for Tales from the Riverbank, tubby furry Hammy means more than words ever could

Gledwood said...

Buggerlugz: that Tales from the Riverbank is amazing; how did you find it?

I wasn't trying to imply anyone would tell me to commit suicide. Dur. Typically badly put that comment was.

Like I said actions speak louder; Hammy speaks loudest of all ~ specially in that Turnip voice!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood