HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

A Fate Worse than Life

AKH. I was in a BAD MOOD earlier. I wrote some crap some of y'all would find truly histrionic, if not truly upsetting. This is my problem. In my mind, opiates and death are thoroughly intertwined. To ANY established junkie, coming off Heroin is a fate worse than death. To ME, being ON methadone is a fate considerably worse than death. I want OFF methadone. O yeah and I was in such a kerfuffle earlier today I went and USED HEROIN AGAIN (straight in the vein, which is a miracle with my collapsed Blood Highways. WHOOSH it went straight in. On a dose of methadone that supposedly blockades the high. All the manifold receptor sites left uncared for and bereft by methadone were suddenly salved. The information given to methadone prescribers is patently FALSE. The criteria methadone clinics use are FALSE. You only have to check the analgesic potency of methadone compared to morphine where 1mg methadone is said to equate to 2mg morphine. Now diamorphine is typically reckoned to have a double potency to morphine, which would put pharmaceutical heroin and methadone at equal potency. Or to use the bullshit on the website they are "equianalgesic". If this is the case, I should have been on at least 350mg methadone. Not 150mg. Last time a doctor spouted the usual crap about 150mg
being "a big dose" (I have since reduced a small way) I shot her down in flames by quoting the average retail purity of street heroin (40-50% until late last year) and the heroin-methadone equivalence tables. She quickly shut up. These clinics underprescribe MASSIVELY then fingerpoint at the "Service User" for not being able to cope with a gargantuan reduction in their dose. Methadone is not heroin, does not substitute for heroin. Causes me mania, depression and psychosis ~ which heroin doesn't. When I do die I hope my family SUE the NHS for their negligently inflexible prescribing policy. The doctors "treating" me know very well that I get severe flare-ups in symptoms that get worse the longer I rely on methadone to "stabilize" me. Yet they have done nothing at all to address the issue.

Some American websites parrot the lie that methadone somehow quells moodswings and gives equilibrium. I have never witnessed this. Not in myself, not in anybody else.

Depression and hallucinations are listed side-effects of methadone. Google it and see.

If all this sounds like junkie whingeing, I agree with you. SHOOT 'EM ALL DEAD. That's what I say. Save the beleagred NHS some pennies. This is what I believe. Institute DEATH to all drug addicts. Not for possession of drugs. For BEING ADDICTED. And if that sounds to Fascist: make the death penalty voluntary. Junkies will line the streets waiting to die. Heroin is a fate worse than death; and methadone how much more so!

One day, when I Grow Up I will start a drug clinic of my own. It will have to be private, because of the way things run in this country and most other countries. My clinic will be like an anything-goes version of Dr Colin Brewer's. At my clinic you'll be able to get once a day dosing on oral morphine or hydromorphone (Jurnista). We will prescribe heroin amps, methadone amps, morphine amps and hydromorphone (Dilaudid) amps. Dextromoramide (Palfium). Subutex. Suboxone. Oral methadone (to the truly deranged). Rapid anaesthetic detox. Naltrexone therapy. And so on. I probably will NOT be able to open this clinic on British soil. My clinic will be a sweet shop to every famished junkie. They will come there for a true range of substitution therapies.

And I will do my bit to put the Drug Dealers out of business.

Which the government patently don't give the tiniest shit about.

"Home Detox" kits will not feature on my Fantasia of Druggie Delights Menu.


PS the roborovski Japanese says ケッキ食べてリリの "Kekki tabete riri no" which translates as "Lili's ardour to eat"!


Gledwood said...

o i'm going to REALLY HAVE TO STOP POSTING SUCH NEGATIVE STUFF... which is so hard when i feel so negative................. akhhhhhhh

Anonymous said...

Maybe you'll feel better off the methadone.
Do drugs really bring happiness?
They can lessen pain, bring sedation or charge you up but not real fulfillment.
I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Gledwood said...

They never made me happy.
I felt far better on heroin than off it. Before heroin I never truly felt OK for any length of time. But I still didn't feel happy. I don't expect ever to feel happy off drugs. And certainly not on them.

(The nearest I ever came to happiness was Mania!) And mania isn't happiness at all.

Adrianna said...

Happy is very hart.
This life we have never easy, ma if you just have peace then you no get hert.
Life is a pain in the neck and nobody have mastered that.If they say they allright then they lie.
I no like life,my live is to hart, ma I life one day at time. I not happy but non sad.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood