HOW DO I START A DAY after such a confusing night?? I fell asleep with Amy Winehouse's Back to Black CD on repeat play and so kept waking in the night with the funkiest jazzy sighs and screams and well-produced strings sections perturbing my consciousness. One of the songs made me cry all morning. I am seeing my mother this afternoon. Of course that has no connexion.
Yesterday I did a tiny bit of crack and felt so dreadful afterwards... CD player and everything nearly went flying out the window... All life's music and dance killed stone dead. By the crack...
Poor Amy Winehouse is all over the Sun newspaper today. I was going to write about her yesterday in fact. The Mirror was claiming an exclusive "Amy's in rehab in America" while the Victoria Newton, The Sun's entertainment columnist vehemently disagreed; insisting she was in rehab but in the UK; in Essex. The poor girl has really been through the mill. I'm sure carving out a career as a (highly talented) funky jazz singer she never expected in a million years to be "gracing" the covers of this nation's tabloids. But that's where they've all put her. Her husband, a goodlooking guy called Blake Fielder-Civil obviously means the world to her (you can see this plainly in their photographs) but the press are deadset against him, claiming he is ruining her and it is he who has turned her on to drugs. The news now is that Amy is a heroin and crack addict. She and blake had a crisis meeting with their families last weekend during which they had to strip to prove they weren't using needles. Amy's father wants her away from Blake, so the papers say. Even Amy's "caring" manager (and it's unusual for the Sun newspaper to use a term like that for anyone in the music bizniss) is supremely worried about her... so the allegation goes...
I like Amy Winehouse. I don't want to see her self-destruct. I was even going to write to her in rehab but something told me to hold off a day and I'm glad I did: the letter would never have got through.
Don't kill yourself Amy!
Why is it those who bring beauty into the world seem to lead such ugly lives?
I don't know... I really don't know
Well these are my video clips of the day:
Gloria Gaynor, I Will Survive
and a original soundtrack one-man remake vid - highly recommended
and the other clip:
Princess Diana tribute
OK I gotta get myself ready shortly. Gotta see my Mum
HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.
LIVE FROM LONDON
Gledwoods deutscher Blog
Bitte hier klicken ...
DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT
I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.
I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.
My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.
This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.
If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.
PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...
PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!
I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.
My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.
This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.
If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.
PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...
PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!
Attack of the Furry Entertainers!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!
METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH
Heroin Shortage: News
If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.
Christiane F
"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools.
Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross...
Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way.
CHRISTIANE F:
TRAILER
You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.
To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...
DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!
Drugs Videos
Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.
If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.
Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"
Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"
In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"
Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).
Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"
Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.
Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).
Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...
And lastly:
German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!
If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.
Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"
Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"
In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"
Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).
Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"
Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.
Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).
Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...
And lastly:
German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!
Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?
Manic Magic
Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog
Copyright 2011 by Gledwood
.png)
9 comments:
I hope Amy pulls herself together - true what you say about beauty and talent, all too often they have tortured souls.
I used to play Gloria Gaynor's single over and over .... great song.
Good to see you have someone in your corner over at the housing ... don't let her down now will you says me wagging my finger *!*
Good luck with mum!!
poor old Amy - i hope she gets better. I dunno about that husband of hers though - he's definitely not my cup of tea....
your going to see your mom eh?! thats awesome. be sure to let us know how it goes?
That Diana video nearly made me cry...do you know who the music is by...is that Sinead? I loved it.
I also really enjoyed the I Will Survive "remake"...if you want to see another version of the song, I'll put it up on my blog today. It's by a group called "CAKE", I love them.
Is "Mother Hubbard" your mom? I'm thinking not because you go see her regularly without it stirring up this emotion.
I'm sorry to hear you cried all morning...I hope the visit goes well and leaves you feeling happy.
You deserve a happy life.
I saw my Mummmy... I got there on time (well 10 mins late) and found the place alright (it was off Piccadily Circus) which does not have clowns, elephants, tightrope walkers and dwarves being shot out of cannons but is a glorified roundabout with huge video screens on some of the elegant stucco'd buildings.
The music on Diana is by Enya! Who was previously the voice of Clannad. If you like swooshy ambient downbeat music with aetherial voices atop I'd recommend Enya's Watermark and The Celts. One particular harp-plucked tune on The Celts is an absolute classic and magical as pure gold
nice vids. the diana one is heart-wrenching... so sad the way she died. i hate how tabloids jump on the cashcow word of rehab. it sells their bs news. amy is so talented. but like many talented people, she's lucky she's getting this opportunity. some weren't so fortunate (bradley nowell, lane staley, jimmy hendrix, janis joplin, marilyn monroe, etc.).
Amy is going down pretty much on her own fault... Everybody know addiction is a serious problem so why do they keep doing drugs?
nf
Anon: I'll tell you why I think people like her take drugs... they start off smoking da 'erb it causes them few problems.. they experiment with other substances... some are heavier on the body than others.... they experiment with heroin once (knowing you cannot get addicted with one try) ... and enjoy its effects perhaps... it turns into an occasional treat... they never intend to get addicted... somehow occasional becomes more frequent... frequent turns into daily... still you know a mild habit is easy to break ... it creeps up and up slowly ... and bear in mind Amy Winehouse's main problem has always been alcohol more than the drugs... she loves her drink and that is destroying her.
It sounds (and I hope it was) a nice time with your family. It seemed more upbeat than the other things going on. I read you every day. I have been negligent in commenting. Sorry.
Post a Comment