Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog)

HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Barbiturates Alert!

I AM SURE I MUST HAVE INADVERTENTLY TAKEN BARBITURATES in my "gear" ... yes I did use today. The initial hit felt "weak" and I stayed awake and ate some pasta. Then WHAM! ~ I'm unconscious for about five hours ... I know this sometimes happens to me anyhow without drugs ... but this time, on awakening I felt extremely drowsy and drugged ... I haven't a clue what happened and the only explanation is barbiturated heroin. Only top-end dealers have access to barbiturates in 100% pure form (adding the contents of Seconal capsules, even if you could find Seconal capsules would dilute the "gear" down so much it would be utterly ineffectual ... no if barbs have been added they've been added "neat" to street heroin. O I feel woozy! Serves me right for "using" I know ... still I am making lists of things I really want to do (more to the point want to buy instead of drugs. List so far is CD player (haven't owned one for over five years) and DAB (digital) radio to get BBC 7 which is back to back radio plays and comedy as well as World Service through the day as well as night ... so no I have not given up on giving up!! Note to self: remember this is what it was like NEXT TIME ...
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11 comments:

Anonymous said...

well don't take the bleedin heroin if you dont want the barbiturates then

4 August 2007 at 22:56
Anonymous said...

WILL YOU REMEMBER THOUGH? ONLY TIME YOU GONNA STOP DRUGS IS WHEN BEING ON DRUGS IS WORSE THAN BEING WITHOUT THAT IS THE FACT OF LIFE

4 August 2007 at 23:03
RUTH said...

Keep hoping it will be the last time for you. Re your comment on my blog...visited jmb earlier with no problems. I'd take the Flaming Katy out if it's getting that big and pot it up separately...easy to take cuttings, just snap a bit off and pop it in some soil...being somewhat of a succulent it'll root quite easily. The NAZE in Walton on Naze is the area of headland that it stands on.
Rx

4 August 2007 at 23:14
Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Sorry you had that experience, but it will help you attain the strength to do better.
Guess you hate all us do-gooders
but your life is worth so much more
I hope you can achieve a CD player
and the radio that you want. I have a clock radio, that also plays CD s and I like to turn it on for news and music through the night. Take care, my friend. Best Wishes, Merle.

5 August 2007 at 08:28
Merle said...

Hi again Gleds ~~ I forgot to thank you for your comments. and I agree that flower is known as Bird of Paradise. Si it does resemble the head of an exotic bird. You amaze me how well you think and write - under the circumstances. Wel done.
Cheers, Merle.

5 August 2007 at 08:30
Puss-in-Boots said...

Today is a new day, Gleds. Yesterday's been and gone and you can't change it. So...you start over and you don't beat yourself up over the lapse.

It's gonna take time, Gleds, but you'll get there in the end.

Pity that anonymous character hasn't the guts to put their name to the negative comment.

5 August 2007 at 09:32
Edyta said...

gleds!
now it's time for me to give u an award!
go grab it @ my place!

5 August 2007 at 13:07
Jeanette said...

Hi Gleds, Sorry you had to go through that keep strong as Puss in boots said tomorrow is another day. Hope you get your radio and cd player soon.
Yes Rolf Harris is well known over here with his warble board and paintings... keep safe.

5 August 2007 at 15:10
Deb said...

you're on the right path gled...it'll be a gradual process and you're in the right mindset

5 August 2007 at 19:29
Naomi said...

at least your heading in the right direction...u now Want to quit. and u can't if u don't desire that so keep going. if you really wanna do something u can.

6 August 2007 at 07:11
Odat said...

Be well..ok?
Peace

6 August 2007 at 17:21

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood