Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog)

HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, August 10, 2007

Cool Friday

NOW THE HEAT OF THE DAY HAS COOLED, legions of smokers congregate on the pavements round the tables to smoke, smoke, smoke ...

I slept in today... finally waking around 3pm nightmaring about my Australian cousin's friends (who were the best crowd of people in the world and they say a man (or a woman) is known by is (or her) friends ... too true. Very true ...) and my "eye" teeth rotten and falling out. In this dream I was so upset and distraught about this ... and then I woke up in this mid-afternoon, fan a-blasting and Amy Winehouse a chirping through my silver new CD player (had been on repeat-play all night ...) ... I didn't feel good. And then I got a letter that nearly made me cry. I don't even wanna write about that until later....
POOR AMY WINEHOUSE, who is probably ahead of Pete Doherty as the tabloids' favourite over here (she has substance and style and, seemingly, a very reportable alcohol-&-drug problem ... was on the front page of The Sun for a reported three-day binge on cocaine, ecstasy, "horse tranquillizer" (ketamine), brandy and whiskey..." that began on 1pm Monday and eventually culminated in an emergency admission to London University Hospital at 1am on Wednesday morning, with Amy pale and shaking (she had been in convulsions) ... and with "the dead eyes of a shark" ... ooer. I sincerely hope the poor girl doesn't kill herself before she has a chance to achieve even greater things because she has one hell of a voice on her. (Why do Jewish girls get the best voices??)
Righto! My time is nearly up so this is all until tomorrow afternoon at earliest. I'm having severe plant problems so all is being repotted as a matter or urgency. Idiot Homebase sold me a mixture of high and low water requirement plants in one arrangement ... eejuts!!

Clips:
Streisand - The Way We Were
Poodle Watches Chinchilla's Dust Bath
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12 comments:

ESTHERCASH said...

Amy Winehouse is one of my favourites singer....
rehab is so beautiful!
i'm spanish, sorry for my patetic english

10 August 2007 at 21:09
Lee said...

"The Way We Were"...one of my all-time favourite movies.

11 August 2007 at 05:39
Peaceful/Paisible said...

I love barbara streisand, she has a beautiful voice...
what's the matter with your plants?

11 August 2007 at 08:12
Lo Kelween said...

ya i wonder what's wrong with your plant?
anyway, read your pet blog but it's too slow to upload the pictures..don't know why. anyway good job! :)

11 August 2007 at 08:24
The one said...

Hi Gleds

Just to say I am back and checking you out. Hows all the drug stuff?

Thinking of you
sad xxx

11 August 2007 at 13:24
Deb said...

I love The Way We Were...just beautiful.

I haven't heard much of Amy Whinehouse but like what I have heard...didn't know about her antics though. I thought she was American...shows what I know.

Got a bit of catching up here to do .

11 August 2007 at 20:43
Oceanshaman said...

My sick mind hears "three-day binge on cocaine, ecstasy, "horse tranquillizer" (ketamine), brandy and whiskey..." and starts to think "Hmmm, sounds like fun!" . . .

Then I remember how I felt after my last binge, and consider how I feel now, after 19+ months clean and sober . . .

Hmmm, maybe not so fun . . .

I'll throw a prayer Amy's way . . .

Namaste . . .

11 August 2007 at 21:48
Puss-in-Boots said...

I don't know Amy Winehouse but she sounds a rather sad girl. However, Barbra Streisand I do know and my alltime favourite song of hers is "Memory".

What a cute little animal the Chinchilla is, but I had to laugh at the poodle...it would have loved to have grabbed that Chinchilla!

12 August 2007 at 04:09
Anonymous said...

Hi, Gled. Are you making your posts using a laptop or PC. Just curious.

12 August 2007 at 10:23
Anonymous said...

Esthercash: I agree about Winehouse. I'm actually not so fond of Rehab!

Lee: I agree

Mousie: I think they got over-hot and all water I put down for them evaporated inside that glass sphere (even though I'd thought it would actually make it too wet and humid it seemingly did the opposite effect ...)

13 August 2007 at 13:55
Anonymous said...

Elween: as I said to Mousie: plants probably got too hot and dry under that glass ... as for the pets blog: do you have the right flash player/whatever it's called thing for playing the Youtube clips..? Maybe you need to get an update. I know that can cause probs sometimes ...

Sadgirl: Hey I'm so glad you're back around !!! Drug stuff no better really ... they said at the drugs service I should do things a step at a time but really I wanna cut it all out all together at once ...

Deb: Streisand? You surprise me I thought you were more a rock chick!! Amy Winehouse I think you would like. Don't be taken in by that dreadful Beat It interpretation on my music blog that is NOT her, her usual music is FAR funkier. I will try and post some more of the best stuff up ...

13 August 2007 at 13:58
Anonymous said...

Oceanshaman: yeah at least you can keep in mind the bad stuff. Lots of people let memory play tricks and only remember when it's good ... know what I mean?? Not that I'm any1 to preach or set any kind of example ...

Puss-in-Boots: yeah you're right ... Memory is an excellent song I don't know why she never put out a whole album just of Andrew Lloyd Webbers ... her Memory is much better than the Elaine Paige so called "definitive version" over here (BC Elaine Paige is darling of the British musical stage) - only thing is Elaine Page's version was far better produced. Streisand has a knock-out voice though. Can knock almost ANYONE out!!

Steve G: No! Using an internet cafe table top (well, under the table) very dirty PC!!

Thanks for all your messages everyone ...!! ...

13 August 2007 at 14:02

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood