Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog)

HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, August 17, 2007

Marathon Prison Dream

MARATHON SLEEP after such a strenuous outing yesterday evening! Yes: I slept a good twelve hours or more, finally awakening after two pm. You know when you deliberately lie in and keep milking a few extra minutes' sleep out of it... and then waking up... and then sleeping again and sleeping again and so on.... And I had such nightmares! Starting with a giant adder (viper) with zigzagging black squares on its back. And nightmares on a sunny day ... And on to my old familiar theme of attempted escaping from prison. As per usual the prison was like a glorified holiday camp in the grounds of an ancient castle and anyone looking in from outside would have said: what's the big problem with getting out from there. But I did have massive troubles getting free with countless invisible agents tracking me down across green leisurely football fields etc and I got put in a chaingang of retarded soccer players .... Hmmm. Prison. No bars to be seen. Appears no problem at all escaping from until you try it... I wonder what that symbolizes in my life??

I kept dreaming this dream on and on until eventually when I did awake I was shivery and exhausted and perturbed and it was late.

I really don't know what else to say about it.

Except I'm off to get some value stuffed mushroom tortelloni from Sainsbury's now so wish me luck....

Cheerio!

PS Videos of the day: I put Enya up for Debs ... Enya: Exile and
American College Students' Paul McArtney and Michael Jackson Girl is Mine vid

***

Link of the Day:
News of the World (from last Sunday)
Amy Winehouse lifts lid on recent drugs overdose
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5 comments:

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Love that first video, Gleds. Dunno what the nightmare means - the dreams we dream over and over again are strange, aren't they? Hope you enjoy the pasta!

17 August 2007 at 20:40
Anonymous said...

o yeah... yummmeee!! have a great weekend!

17 August 2007 at 21:27
Wayward Son said...

Lucky for you I just happen to be an amateur dream analyst. (emphasis on amateur)

The prison, of course, is your addiction. The glorified holiday within is the relief that using brings you. It IS an incredibly difficult thing to get free of and one would be at the mercy of all kinds of internal demons in trying to escape such a prison. No one on the outside of addiction, however sympathetic, can understand how escaping from addiction is so difficult, especially opiates.

Now that I have analyzed this all nice and neatly for you, it occurs to me you were being a trifle sarcastic when you wrote "I wonder what THAT symbolizes in my life??" If it is as I suspect something you are well aware of, thank you for letting me have a go at my favorite amateur pastime.

Cheers, my friend.

WS

18 August 2007 at 04:49
The one said...

Hi Gleds

Thanks for dropping by my blog. You said you weren't doing so well. Whats up? Hang on in there fella. I hope you get to do something nice this weekend and chill.

Take care
love sad xxx

18 August 2007 at 08:38
Puss-in-Boots said...

Whoah...I don't like that nightmare of yours. I'm not even going to think about what it means. My own nightmares are bad enough.

Anyway, sounds like you needed the sleep. I love sleeping, except when I have nightmares.

Take care.

18 August 2007 at 10:00

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood