HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Plants and the Clinic. Amy Winehouse Basket.

AT THE DRUGS CLINIC. I went there first thing as missed my appointment the other day. She did at least say to me "I know you would have come on time if you'd remembered," which is quite something. Lots of people just can't be bothered to turn up. Also it can be quite a strain if you don't feel like talking because the appointments can go on for over half an hour.

Well my instant CD collection has finished (for now). I just innocently went into Sainsbury's for pasta when Amy Winehouse accosted me from the shelves (not the spirits aisle either!!) and jumped into my basket. Well it was "only £4.97" for "Frank" ... wow that was her first CD and she has some style! Thankfully it does not encompass that song "rehab" ... which would wind me up hearing that word ...

All that remains on my mental shopping list is:
Frank Sinatra
Bing Crosby
Ella Fitzgerald ...
... that type of thing.

I keep watching that Say Say Say video ... it tells an old-fashioned story. I like videos like that (another one would be Madonna's Papa Don't Preach). You don't get too many vids like that these days. Just the star dressed and made up in thee or four different styles in three or four locations, a nonsensically surreal "plot" if you can call it that and the three or four totally ill-matched performances spliced together as if the whole combo "means" something ...

What else? Not much.
Oh!
The drugs people have leaflets all over the place warning that there is indeed barbiturated "gear" doing the rounds. Which would certainly explain my very extreme hypersomnia those days ago ...

... also I forgot to say what I did there. We are coming up with a plan to improve my life.
It involves repotting my plants: the ivy withered thru lack of watering: whereas it's bunged in (in a glass sideways goldfish bowl type thing) with a succulent and ... sorry I can't remember the exact name of the flowers but Ruth identified them. Big dark serrated-looking leaves; tiny pinky-white budlike flowers (I mean even when they're open they're reminiscent of buds) ... the succulent will stay in with a new cactusery in there, the plants will come out ...
... it just so happened I was looking my filthiest because I was on my way to pick up clean clothes and a towel which must have looked really bad ...
... so as well as repotting plants and putting diddy things like them around and CD players and music, trying to make the hovel I lived in (admittedly it was a hovel partly of my own making I accept that) but I'm trying to turn it into a normal home now. If I can do that I can become drug free, she says. (OK not like a celestial magic wand will be waved. She means if I can do that I can start to work towards the other. And by drug-free I mean methadone free not just illicit drug free.
Which is good news!
Wahey!!

***

PS: isn't Linda McCartney lovely..? Poor Paul marrying that strident cow who seemed nice at the beginning now they're barricaded behind bulwarks of newspapers flinging false legs and old copies of Pipes of Peace at one another ... nasty business

10 comments:

tomshideaway said...

Love the Bunny, I'm not a fan of Paul..I'd tke George And John any day but....well they are still on discs!

Serr8d said...

Question...I remember, from the early '70's, a 45 single I owned by Paul titled 'Give Ireland Back to the Irish' (it might be a 'B' side, can't remember...)

Have you heard that one? or heard of it? The tune was catchy, and definitely politicized. Haven't heard anything political from Paul, lately (and don't want to) but that song has stuck with me to this day.

Not one he's proud of?

Jo said...

I will have to come back and play the tube files, still having a couple of problems with my computer .. hence me not updating and visiting others.
You asked how far I had to travel to get to the snow, was approx 1 1/2 hours away, there are a quite a few spots you can see snow in Australia the most popular spot would be Mt. Buller - www.mtbuller.com.au.
Hopefully will be able to update blog soon.
Have a great week

Evil Spock said...

Watching the viddy makes whats happened to MJ oh so much more tragic.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Gleds...Hey, another McCartney fan. I saw his show back in about 93...Linda was with him. Absolutely brilliant!

Hope all is going well with you. Look after yourself and water your plants.

Anonymous said...

You are indeed doing great, Gledwood! By the way, I seem to think they may put something akin to amphetimines in crack as well.

The bunny was just about the cutest thing I have ever seen.

Will wave down to you around 10:45 AM your time tomorrow as I pass overhead.

Akelamalu said...

I love Macca's new single it's so catchy!

abcd said...

Love 'say say say' clip and watch it again.

Nice post, gledwood. I will come back for more.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Well done, Gleds - I do admire you and Simi dog and I are rooting for you over in Sicily.

Yes, shame Paul wound up with that cold creature but some men never learn!

Audrey said...

Wahey!!:) Great post Gledwood you sound truly motivated...rooting for you in Scotland too

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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