HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Antidepressants Don't Work!

I COULD HAVE TOLD THOSE RESEARCHERS THAT YEARS AGO! "Scientists" have found that Prozac and three similar commonly prescribed antidepressants work no better than a placebo and are only worth prescribing for the very most serious cases of "clinical" depression...

Yahoo News reported: "'The relationship between initial severity and antidepressant efficacy is attributable to decreased responsiveness to placebo among very severely depressed patients, rather than to increased responsiveness to medication,' the researchers wrote."

How very depressing!

Wah-waah!!


I never got on that well with antidepressants in the past.

I vividly recall picking up my first ever script in the tiredness of the late evening. The pharmacist handed me a blank white box containing two strips... I walked away into the night, pushing one out of the strip as I went.

I vividly remember staring down at the big red sugary pill and despairing because it had come to popping this every day for a month. And then, I might, if the drug happened to be effective in me and there was no guarantee that it would be, begin to pick up feeling happy.

I look back to that time... you might think I post a load of miseries up here but let me tell you my misery then was in an alltogether different league. I wouldn't have been able to explain any of my feelings on a blog, for one thing... Couldn't explain anything to anyone.

Anyway I did soldier on with that pill. I think the psychiatrist had chosen it because I'd complained of not sleeping. Well you took this one and initially nothing happened. I say "initially" advisedly, for it merely took a while to kick in. About two hours later the most incredibly potent knock-out effect came on... and this was only a side-effect... not even the major effect of the drug. Of all the drowsy-making tablets I've ever come across I must say that one (Prothiaden/dothiepin) was the most potent by a long way. Far stronger than Rohypnol or anything like that... And I was supposed to get up for university seminars the next day! Gimme a break!!

Next one was a smaller pill that gave me constipation. And made me hallucinate tigers walking down the street. Only for split-second gleams. But enough to disorientate me. Only thing I did seriously use it for was to try and kill myself and it didn't even work for that. Lofepramine ~ trade name Gamanil (can you get much more Franensteinian-sinister-sounding than that?)Altogether useless!

Oh I can't reel through everything in chronological order that is even more dullardly than scribbling my dratted memoirs (which I'm still very slowly and unenthusiastically doing).

Suffice it to say that with antidepressants I've tended to have either 1. no discernable effect whatsoever or 2. just side effects or 3. an over-enthusiastic lovely enhanced feeling (probably the pills kicking in more excitedly than they're meant to... but at least the pills are doing something...)

So that's my life in antidepressants for ya!

*

Do you like vintage, second-hand items?... with other people's stories to tell? If so go to this blog: shabbyinthecity.blogspot ~ fantastic stuff!

Ice Covered... this has some of the most wonderfully atmospheric snow-at-evening shots I've ever seen...

Attic Full of Clutter keeps a marvellous blog... reminds me of my own mental state most of the time...

STOP PRESS: here's some 0.5-baked thoughts I cobbled together on the role of cognition in the aetiology of affective disorders ... in other words whether you THINK yourself into depression or FEEL depressed and utterly despairing, loathesome etc and the dreadful thoughts consequently follow?

I remember STOPPING antidepressants; a weird intriguing thing happened whereby I felt my old negative ways spring back behind every thought...

... which is why I have some doubt in that cognitive therapy. because they say thought CAUSES emotion whereas when I pulled myself up I had thought something pretty neutral "I will go up the rd to the shops~" in POSITIVE mental state = a good secure feeling comes over... in NEGATIVE mental state a feeling of defeat and dread creeps over following such a thought... I caught myself out feeling this one time when I was on antidepressants but stopped taking them not sure quite why I ceased taking them (what with all else I'd been popping/hitting/etc-etc.ing!) but hey!!




18 comments:

tut-tut said...

Well, right now I'd like to have an overly enhanced feeling! I'm bored senseless with what I'm doing.

Do you know that when I pull up your blog, a chime sounds?

Gledwood said...

Why on earth does a chime sound? Oh I know what THAT is it is YOU appearing on my chatroom which you shall find if you scroll down about 1/3 of the way down the RHS... and so on...

man! i am hungry i really need some fried fish in batter type bits. honestly, i do!!

ps the overly-enchanced feeling was quite an irritable hyperactive restless state as well as being rather expansive at times... wow! and all down to the wonders of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors!! ;->...

Patti said...

Ah glad I checked back one more time today! I was on prozac years ago and it did nothing for me.
I recently have been on Paxil CR but changed to a cheaper generic version a few weeks ago and feel much better on that. Have more energy, feel more "up" and have about $75 more dollars in my pocket. It's a win-win!

guild-rez said...

Thank you for visiting my blog..
The Emerald Ashborer is a terrible invasive species..we have to deal with now or the whole country is loosing precious trees.
-----
Now to your question about our underground shopping..yes you can..
According to Guinness World Records, PATH is the largest underground shopping complex with 27 km (16 miles) of shopping arcades. It has 371,600 sq. metres (4 million sq. ft) of retail space. In fact, the retail space connected to PATH rivals the West Edmonton Mall in size.
The approximate 1,200 shops and services, such as photocopy shops and shoe repairs, found in PATH, employ about 5,000 people. Once a year, businesses in PATH host the world's largest underground sidewalk sale.
More than 50 buildings/office towers are connected through PATH. Twenty parking garages, five subway stations, two major department stores, six major hotels, and a railway terminal are also accessible through PATH. It also provides links to some of Toronto's major tourist and entertainment attractions such as: the Hockey Hall of Fame, Roy Thomson Hall, Air Canada Centre, Rogers Centre, and the CN Tower. City Hall and Metro Hall are also connected through PATH.
When ar you coming to go shopping??
cheers from Guildwood..
Gisela

guild-rez said...

I don't know anything about antidepressant's...
Don't need any, most of the time I am very happy and if I am not..I buy some flowers for my garden or walk along the lake.
That cheers me up,
Gisela

tut-tut said...

Gabbly Chat? Is that it?

Akelamalu said...

The only anti-depressant I've ever taken in St. John's Wort - it worked perfectly! Do you know it is the most prescribed AD in Germany apparently?

ShabbyInTheCity said...

Thrift shops...you guessed right both times! Some of them are charities and some are not :)
What I would like to experience that we DON'T have here are car boot sales...we call the boot a trunk ...

Gledwood said...

Patti: hey you mean SEROXAT the generic version is 100% the same! so you literally are throwing money down the drain or to put it another way spending $75 on just a name... I'm glad you feel better... i remember STOPPING antidepressants a weird intriguing thing happened whereby I felt my old negative ways spring back behind every thought...

... which is why I have some doubt in that cognitive therapy. because they say thought CAUSES emotion whereas when I pulled myself up I had thought something pretty neutral "I will go up the rd to the shops~" in POSITIVE mental state = a good secure feeling comes over... in NEGATIVE mental state a feeling of defeat and dread creeps over following such a thought... I caught myself out feeling this one time when I was on antidepressants but stopped taking them not sure quite why I ceased taking them (what with all else I'd been popping/hitting/etc-etc.ing!) but hey!!

Guild-rez: o I see suddenly it makes sense it's not so many miles all spread out in one path in one direction it is like saying "your lungs are the size of a tennis court" which they surely are but compactly organized: and that Mall is very well organized, I'm sure, too! know whateye mean..?!? Glad I found your blog and many thanks for replying as I was dead intrigued about all that (heard it on the radio this morning)... and so on...

Tut-tut: yeah it is Gabbly makin' that noise

Akelamalu: hmmm yeah I heard about St John's wart/wort/wurt! Is it true you can't go out in the sun after administration..??

Anonymous said...

Doctors think I'm depressed when I cry in their surgery but I always cry when I'm exhausted and just need to sleep - not depressed as such. This just means I need to slow down. Only once I received a drug which I thought was going to help me sleep and it turned out to be an anti depressant which sped me up for FOUR days and nights! I almost went over the suicidal edge. It did quite the opposite to what I wanted and was the opposite to what I needed! NEVER again will I see a Doc about helping me to slow down or sleep (I still cry). Blogging is great for laughs *tickling you under your fury chin*

Liz said...

I've been on seroxat for several years and it changed my life. I was obsessively anxious and it was taking over my life. Now I'm fine.

CrystalChick said...

There's much controversy about anti-d's. All I can say is that a couple of times in my life I did take one. It helped me. My family doc didn't want me on it indefinitely so after a little while when the situation was better, I stopped taking it and felt fine.
But not too long ago a friend of our family had gone into a depression over the sickness of her hubby. She was prescribed something and it didn't suit her I guess, wasn't the right kind? I don't know if therapy was introduced as well or how the monitoring was done, if she was taking it as prescribed or taking anything in addition, etc. etc.
But she ended up killing herself.
So you just never know.

p.s. I wondered about the chime sound too. LOL Now I know.

Gledwood said...

Anon: I know just what you mean about being sped up from antidepressants they have done that to me several times 2 different ones. The first one used to have this effect over the first month then if I continued with it I'd settle down into a slightly better than well (mental) state but physically I was still tired out which just goes to prove that CFS/ME/chronic fatigue type states really AREN'T "all in the mind" for the mental depression was cured yet not the physical exhaustion!

There are some better antidepressants now like mirtazapine it's not an SSRI not a tricyclic or tetracyclic and so does help sleep (unlike Prozac-type drugs they really do NOT whatever your dr might claim you cannot pop a Prozac one night and have a good night's sleep) whereas with mirtazapine you can... also it gives the funkiest dreams!

Liz: see they do work for some people I'm glad it does something good for you

Crystal: some of those SSRIs like Prozac/Seroxat can cause an "increase in suicidal ideation" that kicks in BEFORE any mood-elevation does... which is a real poop-out, I'd say!

steve hayes said...

All of us have different DNA and different metabolisms. Some herbs and vitamins work better than others. The first thing that is needed is proper nutrition and a good physical exam. As the director of Novus Medical Detox, I often see patients who are on alcohol or opioids, central nervous system depressants, also taking antidepressants. When they detox they find they don't need the antidepressants.

This is good news because a Swedish study showed that 52% of the 2006 suicides by women on antidepressants. Since antidepressants work no better than placebos and are less effective than exercise in dealing with depression.

There is a prescription drug epidemic and these are leaders in the list of terribe abuses.

Steve Hayes
http://novusdetox.com

Gledwood said...

~Thanks, Steve; what a fascinating answer! Antidepressants seem to be being prescribed more and more these days for common unhappiness as much if not more than for genuine "clinical" depression where body and mind are depressed entirely... not just an intermittent feeling of tearfulness or a sensation that life could be a bit better than it is... (who doesn't feel THAT way..?..??) Thanks for getting in touch rsvp again! ;->...

Shadow said...

hah! i knew it. i've been on 2 different 'varieties' of anti-depressants, and neither of them did ANYTHING. didn't make me feel different, no side-effects, nothing. so, your source is right!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood