HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, February 04, 2008

Running (not shunning...)

THIS WAS GOING TO BE A MEGA-ROBO-POSTING but I'm too tired. I've got some entertaining photos of pygmy tubbies... but no time (or NRG) to post 'em up today unless later on I get a 2nd wind (not like the farts: I've been trumpetting away all day so that-wise it would be the 264th (joke).

YES RUNNING up the road. Down the road. Catching buses. Turning round. Catching more. Exhausted.

FINALLY Pingpong and the tubberovskis got some fresh wild bird seed again. I do still have over a pound but... who knows where it's gone. Maybe the wild mice have eaten it (and you think I'm joking? they demolished half a kilo of premium multigrain flour in not much more than a week. which I stupidly left in my undies drawer (don't ask).)

Even the wild bird hunt was a chore and a half. The normal shop was CLOSED - at 3pm. The other pet shop had sold out and only had parrot mix at £4 a kg. My robos don't really like "hamster mix" because most of it is too big for them. Plus those grass pellets rabbits (apparently) like: hamsters HATE them. So eventually I had to go in the massive supermarket on the corner and pay double the going rate for Bill Oddie (THEE birdman of Britain: has his own BBC "cereal"/serial (well both)... This supermarket's seeds came in three distinct classes. Upperclass: these birds live in giant nests and birdboxes and don't mix with the ordinary birds at the table that readily... Middleclass: these would really like to have their offspring taught to chirp in Mandarin... but somehow never get round to it. They only like wholegrain nibbles. "Working" class. These birds sign on the dole so they don't work. They get heavily drunk at weekends and get other birds pregnant. Or else just start a massive fight at the birdbath...

Upperclass (in Bill Oddie's own) was the same per kg as the more bourgeois one per 2kgs so obviously I got the 2kgs. The cheapo birdseed just looked like hops and barley to me (or maybe I've got beer on the brain...)

When I got it home the hammies went turbo for it. Also I found Weetabix and the remnants of a pack of cheerios in our outside bins... so they had cereals treats galore...

Apart from that I am too knackered really to tell so it shall have to save for L8R...

take care everyone!

17 comments:

Patti said...

You reall really need a rest!

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, you have me smiling over your description of Birdman Bill's bird food mix gradings. I have to buy two lots of seed for my visitors - Bill hasn't got his brand out here yet even though he does come twitching to these parts. I buy wild bird mix and sunflower seeds. The price of the sunflower seed has sky rocketed - seems to be due to some sort of world wide shortage and of course the birds LURVE that seed the most *!*

DaBich said...

The cat and the crow video kills me! I've never seen anything like it...

How did you find my site, Gleddie? Spill the beans!

Anonymous said...

HAHAHA you might not have noticed you wrote a robo posting anyway! I'm halfway through reading Bill Oddie's Little Black Book of Birds even if the birds init are all alien to me and it's OLD. Pingpong and tubberovskis must be stationary as you now unless performing "2nd wind" for you! Very interesting eating habits, do they like fresh fruit and veg once in a while? Our birds are healthier eating from our fruit bowl and fridge. Not sure what Class that would make them in the birdie world ... they also SCREAM for warm handmade porridge in Winter.

Nicole said...

What an adventure you've had today! We have two birds in our garden, both are caged, much to my great disgust. However, the sulphur crested cockatoo that belongs to my dad isn't even mildly interested in flying away. My sister and I left her cage door open all weekend once and she just doesn't want to escape. The other bird, a galah, used to belong to my sister's mother-in-law. That bird was inherited. He speaks a lot of funny stuff and is very friendly. He likes to be patted and he's odd because he likes to have naps during the day and will lie down on the floor of his cage and cover his eyes with his wing! This caused me great distress a few weeks ago because I thought he was dead. But no, he's just a bit odd.

I don't remember the point of this little bird-story any more, maybe it was about bird seed and how they don't really fancy the expensive mix. They get the supermarket "home-brand" one and that's their favourite. We also have dozens of other birds that hang around the garden all day long: pigeons, the common grey type and also the Turkish dove type, sparrows galore and rainbow lorikeets come by in the evening.

junky said...

So if I've translated English to American properly, you have snooty hamsters? :)

Janice said...

Hi Gled,

We went to a pet store the other day and showed my daughter a robo hampster, and my daughter thought they were adorable.

Janice~

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Great videos.

The crow and the cat: what an amazing relationship.

The cat peddling: Alex does that to me many times a day.

Likewise, he climbs my leg. (I really need to clip his claws shorter).

AintNeverScared said...

Cat Pedalling: I know why they do that...they say it's a reflex from when they were younger...kneading out their mother's milk. My cat only does it when he's verrry content or about to sleep. I think most cats do. It means they're happy :)

I read your comment on MY blog...thanks for quoting one of my favorite poems of all time! ...Things fall apart...the centre cannot hold...the ceremony of innocence is drowned...the best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity....

Pretty much every line in that poem is oft-quoted :) I love Yeats, the sad bastard.

Gledwood said...

Patti: I slept hour upon hour upon hour last night so I did get it, ta

Bimbimbie: I have to say the Bill Oddie birdseed is SO MUCH BETTER than anything else I've come across... seriously it seemed to have at least 9 components and was very fine. Not just a mix of 3 cheap grains with the odd sunflower seed

a drought on sunflower seeds? how odd!

Dabich: Erm... hang on I can't strictly remember... most probably I went into someone's blog I know, commented, clicked on someone's face in the other comments and red their blog and hopped into another blog through another comment and so on... that's usually how I find people I don't otherwise know.

"Blog directories" I've found get you practically nowhere unless you really know what you're looking for likewise google. E.g. if you wanted a leukemia blog yeah you could find it with google but not just a generally quite good/funny/whatever you know what I mean kinda blog I dunno that you would

Gledwood said...

Anon: that's true I did post robo... I had meant to blabber on I still haven't posted that even today it will have to wait my brain cannot do it... fresh fruit... yeah they love yellow/red peppers & broccoli the most

Nicole: How weird that you're allowed to keep indiginous birds in cages... surely in Holland it was illegal to cage wild birds? It's serious wildlife crime in Britain! Which I do find hypocritical. E.g. we're allowed to buy a Peking Robin that sings gloriously in a petshop and yet a common bluetit, the most acrobatic small bird I have ever seen you cannot have in an aviery? What a double standard!

Junky: snooty hamsters... well they're not into birdie classwars they just like stashing as much seeds as they can get hold of haha!

Gledwood said...

Janice: Buy some! But beware how fast and wriggly they are you have to be careful handling them. Only 1 of my 3 actually lets me pick her up and even she escaped 4 times (well over 24 hours a time)

Nick: climbs up leg... my old black cat used to do that when hamster sized she was like a black imp

Aintnever: Yeats? That is a classic! A cracker!... yeah I heard that milk thing too

Nicole said...

GLED - You can buy galahs and cockatoos in pet shops here. There are no restrictions. I think because they are too abundant. In Germany, for example, these birds go for a lot of money. I remember seeing a sulphur crested cockatoo at a pet shop for 2,000 Deutschmarks once. If it were up to me people would stop keeping birds all together. There are some pets which do really well living in small spaces with humans, but birds are not it. They need to fly.

zen wizard said...

I really don't understand how anyone thinks Obama has undergone enough scrutiny to be in charge of the $425-billion-per-year US Department of Defense.

This guy came out of NOWHERE in 2004.

At least Hillary has undergone a lot of scrutiny and would presumably get good foreign policy advice from whatever old Clintonistas are still around.

The mantra is, "Obama has as much experience as Kennedy had."

Oh, really?

What would be his equivalent of PT-109?

And was the Bay of Pigs really a shining moment in US foreign policy? Even the handling of the Cuban Missile Crisis is overrated by the rose-colored glasses of history.

Gledwood said...

Obama is no Kennedy.

HILLARY RULES!!!

Hillary for president... please!!

;->...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood