HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Secret Passage

...Secret passageway!... during my recent robo-re-removals, out-cleaning, lightbulb-box-filling etc etc when I changed their newspaper I left the new paper (one of the free London commuter papers; not The Sun any more so maybe that's why it didn't fit... where it was too big I just let it flap up one side... and to add entertainment to "injury" I hid a standard toilet tube, plus Baby Itchy's "Magic Wand"... ie her personal half inch/2cm diameter clingfilm tube that only she can ping along on through...
... None of the robbies knew anything of this secretive area as I basically made things like that and left them...
... Only early this morning to be puzzled by Spherical determinedly scratting against the glass in attempted burrowing... alternately grabbing the piled up newspaper in her mouth and furiously nibbling at it...
Clever girl! I thought. Despite no food, no treats... nothing more exciting than two of their familiar old toilet rolls being hidden behind there she had detected the "sectret passageway" I'd hidden in their home!
... Eventually I got frustrated and wished to pingingly hurry things on a little... so I dropped Baby Itchy behind the newspaper fold right into the secret passageway where she very amusingly smelt it out and cautiously explored. Of course I could see right through the glass so there was nothing "secret" or even obscure about it to me... though Itchy, by her supreme caution, appeared to feel very differently...
... and Spherical grabbed at the paper and heatedly gnawed on and on... which terrified Itchy, to see the walls shaking and bowing out and being so viciously nibbled upon.
... And then she realized another robo was on the other side and highly amusingly made contact whisker to whisker and paw to paw through the tiny gap...
... Then Spherical desisted her furious scrabbling and scratting... at which point Itchy chose to squeeze through, from the secret side, the hole Spherical had been so dedicatedly chewing... o! the look of sheer astonishment on her face as her dear old housemate suddenly emerged from that secret compartment! It was so hilarious I had seriously to restrain myself from cackling aloud at them both...
... Now realizing there was indeed something worthwhile hidden behind there, Spherical bit open, scratted apart and burrowed through to the secret passageway in record time.
And of course where one robbie ventures, the other two rapidly follow. it was so entertaining witnessing them exploring their new secret burrow together. And once I'd taken the narrow length of tubing only Itchy could fit inside away; the three of them had the run of the place...
... Every now and then some scrabbling noise (ie one of their own kind) would cause terror from the main side of the divide to the new secret burrow... then the burrow's occupant would panick and spring out like a furry jack-in-the-box...
...And presently, at past three thirty pm all three are stashed behind the excess newspaper in this secret tiny burrow... even Evilstein, glancing in, would assume the tank was empty with just waterbottle, wheel, seedbox ~ and nothing else... do I didn't cover them up... just being able to see their naturalistic behaviour in such a confined space is hilarious... how they scramble over one another... suddenly their pink nose to pink nose robo-greeting makes sense... they have to do this in the burrow to ensure the whiskery bedmate is friend not foe!... One time yesterday Itchy was rambling the wheel on and on while Spherical sat idly by... Itchy stopped about five times in three minutes to pink nose to pink nose do confirmational greeting... poor swine! She is bottom peck and so has to be subservient. Bashful and Spherical do a weird borderlilne-squabble greeting where one wrestles the other backwards so the "loser" is lying on her back with Daz-white undercarriage on vivid display... then she gets her private parts forcibly groomed for her...
... And if I hadn't seen this with my own eyes, I would not believe it...!

PS... this is a bit of a major thing to leave for a "ps"; I know... but I didn't know what/how to say it... I will say it tomorrow... Mother Hubbard's had a stroke! She looked utterly done in yesterday, her face all fallen, everything... dreadful...

PPS My leg I've been told is cellulitis... true enough it hurt so bad I was close to screaming point on Saturday night... seriously bad, like a burn from hot oil still sizzling away under the skin. All I wanted was to cut it out... and this, of course, I could not do... I've been told contradictory things about whether or not I ought to go to hospital. It doesn't hurt anywhere nearly as much (it's about 4 days old now)... since it blistered up... it seems to be that the nasties gnaw out the human flesh which can be excruciatingly painful (my one is nearly behind my knee; the main bit's palm-sized... (which means 1% body area)... and it goes on all mottled and bruised for another palm-sized area... the main bit which was excruciatingly painful at one point has blistered up, just like the bit on my arm did... now it hurts far less. It feels like the flesh-eating bug has at least eaten-out some of the flesh... which kills some pain in the process... I don't know... or something like that. I've been told to go straight to casualty by Mother Hubbs' friend who says they may keep me in. I will have to go to the laundrette before that as all my clothes are dirty. I really can't go in as I am I would rather die. OK I shouldn't say things like that but you know what I mean... or I could just go to my GP (family Dr) and get flucloxacillin/something like that... surely that will work... there is no point being in hospital except for the free shepherd's pie (which I love... you know that mafia expression "do you like hospital food?" well I love hospital food... all mushy and squelchy... really yummy and not challenging at all... beautiful food. Well I won't need that as I'm making a dr's appointment for 1st thing tomorrow morning right as soon as I've logged off this... and am purchasing chicken fried rice ingredients forthwith... which is essential for my mental wellbeing!

And how are you?


Video: 2 Cats Chattin'...

Music: Madonna: The Power of Goodbye (specially for Audrey)...

... Come to the House of Lime for some excellent winter pictures...

... right I really am going to have to get in touch with my dr's forthwith as I found out how serious this cellulitis can be I honestly didn't realize... no wonder I was in such agony!

... ps: and this is a fantastic birds blog...

...Leslie's blog has some especially atmospheric snapshots of the winter weekend...

29 comments:

CrystalChick said...

OH absolutely it's a good thing you will be seen about that soon! Do get well. :)
Mmm.... fried rice! I could live on assorted dishes of rice....brown, black, sticky, white, etc.
Yum.
{{{{{healing energy}}}}

Gledwood said...

Cheers Dears!

;->...

lime said...

not trying to be dire here but if it is indeed cellulitis you must get medical attention immediately. that is a very serious and potentially life-threatening infection. my cousin had a very bad case of it and nearly died. She required IV antibiotics for a long time and has permanent vascular damage such that she must wear a surgical stocking on that leg for the rest of her life.

please get yourself to a doctor or hospital right away.

Gledwood said...

ooer! you serious!? i knew it could be "fairly serious"... i just thought people were telling me i could die to scare me!!

thanks for telling me tho...

(shit!):-<...

Gattina said...

Where the heck did you find the words for the cat conversation ? that's even better ! BTW you can always steal or borrow forever from my blog, I don't mind at all !
Your hamsters are soo cute ! I just read that since it is the year of the rat chinese are storming pet shops to buy hamsters and the price has increased 10 x !!

Gledwood said...

Chinese hamsters have increased x10fold... seriously? Oh... the dear year of the Rat... my year ~ haha!

I only got that version by double clicking on yours... don't think I did anything special at all... can't actually HEAR anything from ANY of my youtube screens AT ALL at the mo as sat in defunctional internet caff (typical!)

Patti said...

I know your tiny babies are so entertaining and adorable! I just imagine them doing what you write.

I am so sorry to hear about your health problems and Mother Hubbards as well (although I do not know exactly who Mother is) I still wish you both the best.

Akelamalu said...

I'd never heard of cellulitis but apparently it's dangerous. Doctors as soon as you can honey!

So sorry to hear about Mother Hubbard - I presume she's in hospital?

Gledwood said...

Patti: Having debated the subject over and over with myself I'm going in to my own drs 1st thing as an emergency case... I really can't see what casualty (the ER) can do for me... except possibly keep me in which will really inconvenience my methadone script and everything.. many thanks for your good wishes

Akelamalu: no mother Hubbard is NOT in hospital! She may not even see her GP and hates me going on about it! She was very surprised and flattered that I phoned her this morning to console/harangue her into getting treatment... it's really hard to explain but I've noticed this time and time again with severe addicts (needle users every one... maybe it has something to do with the alteration in relationship with the body that comes with needleering...) but they get this reverse-hypochondria thing going on every time... EVER so difficult to persuade them into accepting treatment even when it seems breathtakingly urgent to you...

and I can talk! I'm going to have to go to my gp's 1st thing tomorrow... they definitely CAN do something: prescribe antibiotics! I don't know what they CAN do for Mother Hubbs... I KNOW it is not a bloodclot caused by injecting as she's not been injecting IV for years... maybe it is another type of bloodclot? We don't know. She just does not want to deal with this and her partner is USELESS about this type of thing and she just does not want to face up to it so there is VERY little I can do... all she would say is she "feels so much better" (and admittedly DID sound it) today...

Bimbimbie said...

Love the cat video, very funny*!* Your hammies are as entertaining as ever ... and need you to get your leg fixed otherwise who is going to look after them if you are laid up in hospital? Sorry to hear about Mrs Hubbs, wishing her a speedy recovery.

...ps did you hear that those bastardies you spoke of, are planning to build a factory ship three times the size of their present one for whale killing & processing :(

Gledwood said...

The hamsters are supremely appealing... it is so entertaining being able to see them right inside their most private burrow...

what BASTARDS building a x3 bigger ship... what FOR? Except to slaughter whales do they actually like the taste? WHY? WHY? WHY?... Did I ever tell you and no shadow of a doubt I was witness to our end of the conversation when I was a kid my parents telephoned Cadbury's to ask about the "animal and vegetable oils" used in their industrial pre-made chocolate cakes... they FREELY ADMITTED that Whale oil was used! Seriously! And that was the early 80s.... WHALE OIL in BRITISH CAKES! What SCANDAL!!

tut-tut said...

Make sure you get that cellulitis taken care of immediately, instead of talking about editing . . . Seriously; I am right in worrying about you.

Vi said...

Get to the doctors mate!

And yeah, sorry to about Mother Hubbard, hope she can recover from it.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Gleds, you have GOT to get medical attention and fast! PLEASE do so!
The hamsters are so clever but I am really concerned about YOU at the moment...

Whitenoise said...

Yes, go to the hospital ASAP. Don't fool around with stuff like that!

Sorry to hear about Mother Hubbard.

Anonymous said...

Every time I have visited lately I have left as a nervous wreck WHAAAAAA. Please take care of yourself first, then worry about the other unwell creatures around you. It must be like peeking into a whole new world watching through the new looking glass of robbies :) PS: Thankyou for thinking my birdie blog is fantastic :)))

leslie said...

You ned to get on antibiotics forthwith! I wondered what that blood-curdling scream was last night while I was trying to sleep. ;D

When you're feeling better, try having the little ones write their own story about the secret hideaway.

Oh and thanks for the mention of my photos. I do live in a particularly splendid part of Canada.

Nicole said...

Holy crap! Poor Mother Hubbard!!!?? I can't believe she survived. Strokes are awful. She is very, extremely lucky that it wasn't a big stroke. She should certainly go to the hospital though and see how much better they can make her recovery. She may also need anti-blood-clotting medication to lessen the chance of this happening again (something like Warfarine).

And you, I'm glad you're at least going to the doctor! You deserve decent medical treatment, don't deny yourself the right to get help.

Nicole said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cellulitis

It can become very serious indeed, if you don't have it taken care of properly.

Odat said...

Get your arse to the doctor!!!!
NOW!

I loved the cat video....and I can't believe they serve shepperd's pie in the hospital there!!! I love that too!
Peace and be well...!

Vincent said...

I'm doing very well thanks mate. I wish you were the same. I hope the doc can fix you up. Don't deny yourself Medical care, we all deserve this. No matter what state you're in, I'm sure the doc has seen far worse!

DaBich said...

I see I'm dropping in at the end of this crisis. I'm assuming you are at the docs as I type this. I'd LOVE to hear a good report when you come back. Please let us know how you are!!
Poor Mother Hubbs, bless her heart.

Liz said...

Poor Mother hubbs! I hope she's going to be okay.

And you too. I haven't been by in a while and I've missed lots what with your dodgy drugs and poorly leg. I hope the GP will get you sorted properly.

At least the robbies are flourishing. They sound better entertainment than the television.

Take care now and keep us updated on your leg and Mother Hubbs.

Gledwood said...

TutTut: hey I have "permission by circumstances" to go to the drugs place where they can see to it properly

Vi: I'm goin'... I've been... I'm goin' to another set of drs...

Welshcakes: I know I have no option pretty much I HAVE to go 1st thing tomorrow that is the latest I can possibly leave it I can tell

Whitenoise: I have to go 1st thing to the drugs people they have drs there

Gledwood said...

Anon: don't worry any more I can definitely get it sorted tomorrow morning if only the drugs service didn't insist I try the useless family practitioner first I could have gone straight there

Leslie: Antibiotics: I know ~ I might have to have intravenous ones which I don't particularly want. Being tied to a bloody drip with nothing exciting dripping through

Nicole: MH is better but SOMETHING weird happened she looked totally done in and it was no drugs I've ever seen that do THAT... yes I didn't realize how serious cellulitis can be "infection of the skin" doesn't sound as exciting as a great pus-monster abscess but aparently it's worse

Odat: o yeah shepherd's pie is ALL I remember eating in hospital

Gledwood said...

Vincent: Hey you wanna get that yellow skin seen to... could be some dreadful food colouring infestation. Or summut like

Dabich: Hubbs is a LOT better so much better in fact I know she will avoid seeing any drs at all costs as she hates medicine and being a medical specimen. I kind of like it but have totally gone off the idea of having my time wasted by people who can never do anything for me anyway... hmmm

Liz: o yeah roborovskis are better than practically anything on telly!!

Gledwood said...

hey!

& my lovely furry hamster face still prevails!!

;->...

:-o

!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood