HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Laundretta: Spin Cycle


LAUNDRETTA'S IN A SPIN AGAIN... I just sat with her for well over an hour at our local pub as her "punters"/customers sloped on by; she pointed them out... waggling her enormous false eyelashes as she chattered on... three stopped to talk. Two of these were noticably jealous (of me) (for what~??)... She told me about her complexicated relationships. I told her as long as you're a "working girl" all your relationships are going to be like that. With no set parameters. No lines firmly drawn. And never knowing truly where you stand. How could you?

Then we walked up the street and she grabbed my arm. And yet another friend of hers accosted her (you should have seen the look on her face: losing patience by the second). He thought I was her customer or something so he was all over her. She did say several of her "friends" have been very kind to her in the past...

I AM IN ROBO-HORROR. Not because of Itchy's starting squabbles but because... remember I called her Itchy because she was so licked wet all the time and I thought she might have mites? Well I saw a picture online of a robo WITH mites. It was tiny, like Itchy. Wet fur, just like Itchy. (Thing is Itchy's skin isn't red or even particularly pink; there are no bald patches... which is why I assumed it was NOT mites...) And this pictured hamster had the arched back, miserable posture of an ill hamster that Itchy most definitely does NOT have. Apart from looking like a tiny Porkshire Terrier (rather than a fat robbie) she is VERY pingy and healthy... So I don't know. I shall have to do further reasearch online...

THIS IS: the robo-website I found the details on ~ http://www.roborovski.net... but you'll need to click on "health" (I think) and scroll down to see "ill Itchy-lookylikey"...

MY ARM has been playing me up. As you may recall, there is a "wound" on it (yes! caused by my needleering...) it blew up, got very sore, got a huge blister, which transformed into a scab... It went all hot, red and puffy round this scab, which got it labelled (by the nurse) as an abscess. Well I didn't really pick at it but did stick a needle right in... which produced nothing more exciting than a few drops of blood. No pus. Even now, as the swelling's going down and the scab loosening (because it's shrinking) where it comes open at the scab's edge at one end it looks a bit white inside with the texture of tastebuds from the mouth... and only the tiniest ooze of pus. I think maybe it's a nonfocal abscess or a tiny cellulitis. I've had cellulitis before. That is an infection of the skin (rather than under the skin, like an abscess)... it can spread really rapidly to cover an entire limb but I've been lucky with antibiotics in the past... and this time, despite no antibiotics, whatever it was stayed localized. It does hurt quite a lot. If it's like this next week then I will go to the doctor's...

VID:
Kraftwerk: The Model

18 comments:

Patti said...

I like to hear stories of your "working girl" friends!
Take care of that arm Hon. Don't want any type of infection!

Gledwood said...

I have to be v careful not to "cross-infect" myself... fortunately (in that sense, but disappointing in lack of nothing to squeeze...) there's not hardly any pus at ALL...

Eileen said...

No comment on the arm situation. Re; Kraftwerk - there is a remix of Whitney Huston's "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" and some crazy song by Kraftwerk...I will see if I can get the name off my BF.

Kraftwerk is always what I think of when I think of Germans. That and nude swimming in cold pools of water.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

The Model is a classic- In fact, the album Man Machine is quite stylish- if little more than an EP, really.

I don't know if you've heard Autobhan by the same group, personally I find it very relaxing.

I se you've got Age of Love in your sidevar- good choice, but HOW did you shrink the liks? I'd love to put the 1984 vid I have at the bottom of my blog in my sidebar.

Kahshe Cottager said...

The sore on your arm sounds as though it bears watching. It would not be any good at all to have a serious infection in it!

I hope Itchy turns out to be just itchy and not infested with mites. But, wouldn't the others be showing signs of infestation by now if that was the case?

Akelamalu said...

Do go to the doctors you don't want that arm getting any worse Gleds. x

Queenie said...

G, I'm really having problems getting your blog up. Please know I'm trying.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Poor Laudretta! She is only trying to make a living, after all... Glad Itchy is Ok and hope your arm is soon better, Gleds. Hang on in there - we need you out here in the blogosphere!

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm, I am thinking maybe Itchy is just younger and the others licked her with affection because they felt 'motherly'? Does 'pinging' mean "like running laps in rapid succession or running back and forth alongside the egdes of the cage"? EWWW you grossed me out about your arm, I couldn't be a nurse! Maybe you should visit a different nurse?Hope Lauretta's spinning has calmed and she thinks about your wise words ;)

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Be careful that you don't end up with MRSA.

I get all freaked out about that stuff!

Josie said...

You have the funniest, most entertaining blog in the blogosphere. I always know I'm going to have a giggle when I come over here.

Take care of that arm, kiddo.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Enjoyed the post and stories about Laundretta and the Robos. Hope Itchy is OK. Watch that arm and do go to Doctor if it stll pains. You may need antibiotics.
You do well putting all the Videos on. I have left an award for you over at my blog. Hope you enjoy it.
Take care, Regards, Merle.

Vincent said...

I'm no fan of all the videos. But Kraftwerk, yeah!

Gledwood said...

Eileen: Whitney remixed by KRAFTWERK~?!? THAT has to be worth hearin'!

Ingsoc: how did I shrink them...? if you read through the html code I altered the LAST TWO mentions of size ... hang on let me look it up and get back to you...

Autobahn... vaguely I think I do... I had one of their best CDs but left it at my Mum's it might well have been victim of a clearout... one track on there sounds just like the soundtrack to a 1970s Jacques Cousteau deep see glassfish adventure...
Kahshe: the arm's better (see below)... mites definitely not no sign of them. plus I just changed their oldest (teabox) bedding... if it IS an infection/infestation it has to be fungal as mites you can apparently see and there is NOTHING to be seen... I have to say I'd assumed it was behavioural before... still I'm not sure. Have to get 'em a new wheel... then we'll see whether there really is some physical cause to this all or just hamsters getting territorial over who spins the most...

Akelamalu: hey it's Monday now. couldn't reply till now as TIME all OUT (sorry)... now all swelling GONE... scabbed over. wet underneath and slightly weepy. nothing worse than that. practically healed!

Gledwood said...

Queenie: what's WRONG with it? I've taken off loads of youtube screens today... was THAT slowing them down..?

Welshcakes: I will. Thanxx! My arm much better now (Monday afternoon...)

Anon: Laundretta and my "wise words"... she always assumes I've not grasped her point and says "well I know what I mean"... I know what you mean too dear but you're DRUNK!

Itchy's VERY SMALL compared to the others I was wondering why she's so cute it is partly that her head is distinct from her body which is NOT a robo charicteristic. she looks more like a capybara than a roborovski hamster. i hope she is OK. she SEEMS healthy enough... VERY pingy... yes: pingy is just FAST!!

Preposterous: mrsa: aparently 30% of all people have the SA (staff aureus) and 1% have mrsa up their noses or by their anus. hospitals are pretesting and pretreating those who DO have in advance so to avoid them and others getting/spreading the infection.

wow! sanity hits the hospital wards at last!!

Gledwood said...

Josie: arm's much better, ta! keep being entertained...

Merle: thanks for the award I shall be over tonight... but have a zillion and 1 things to sort between now and then so please 4give me if I'm late... arm FAR better thanks... Itchy I'm not sure about... if can't get them dry they have to go to VETS

Vincent: know what you mean. I think it's what American's label "electro" ;->...

Ingsoc:... right what I do is change the last 2 mention of size parameters in the html from 425 to 315 and from 355 to 200 THAT shrinks it down. works for me¬!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood