HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, February 08, 2008



EGG FRIED BREAD AND METHADONE... how exciting. It's one of those days!

25 comments:

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ The egg fried bread looks quite nice ~ don't know about the methadone. Tomorrow is another day
my friend. Hang in there. Love, Merle.

CrystalChick said...

Maybe today isn't the day to TAG you... and I'm terrible about following the rules to do it the correct way whatever it is.... so I'm just doing it here. Go to my blog, read the one on 'Ten Signs' and then do your own posting of ten signs a book has been written by you. I'll come back and read it. :)

Patti said...

Wait, do you dunk the egg fried bread IN the methadone? I'm confused

Emperor Ropi said...

today i ate bacon.

Anonymous said...

I'm about to eat breakfast thanks to your post :)

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Pass some of that stuff my way!

ERIC-USA said...

In the UK they allow you to take home that much methadone and measure it out yourself? Here in the US in most places it is $13 a day and the put it in sealable plastic bottles and then put shrink wrap on top of the bottle because sometimes you will get a call at 4AM telling you to report to the center so they can count alll your bottles!!! HA! How much do they give you per day? I am on 90 and sweat at night.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Cat peddling: Alex does that to me all of time and he has long, sharp claws.

Zhu said...

Hang in there!

Is it me or Methadone has the same color as Absinthe??

d SINNER!!! said...

the breakfast looks yum but why methadone???

Magdalene said...

Hey, at least you're eating!

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

In addition to being an alcoholic I'm an ailurophile Gled, the cat kneading is called "milk treading", it is the way a kitten stimulates milk from the mother's teat. Most of the times older cats do this it means they are content... or they think you have a great rack.

Pod said...

i love milk treading
sounds wrong hey?
;0p

Audrey said...

Hope you saved me some Gleds just love egg fried bread, I used to wrap fried sausages in it, gosh havent had that since my kids were little. Hope your ok, havent been around much, much contemplating of my navel to be done..but here I am..Its just one of those days,we all have them but hope yours is moving on to something better and closer to your dream xxx Auds

Audrey said...

p.s glad I found out why cats do that...I too must have a great rack lol x

Puss-in-Boots said...

Egg fried bread...I love that, but methadone? No, I don't really think so, however, you get those days, Gleds. Hang in there, this too shall pass...

Gledwood said...

Merle: That's not literally a picture of my egg fried bread just one I googled... it DOES look just like my noneggfriedbread though... don't worry about the meth you don't WANT to to be concerned with that!

Crystal: OK let me sort this out then...

Patti: IN the methadone? urk... it looks like creme de menthe doesn't it... tastes like a highly refined cough mixture (stupid flavour if you ask me just about THEE most attractive to young kids)... ours is 1mg in 1ml Australia and America apparently is x10 stronger 10mg in 1ml meaning it's more attractively "junkily" to inject...

Ropi: bacon. ugh. you're obviously not Muslim/Jew then are you~?!?

Gledwood said...

Anon: I will post up the recipe later... well worth the mastering... soak egg in before or after frying depending which version is required....

Preposterous: egg fried break? ok

Eric USA: you gotta PAY $13 a day you serious? For that ££ here you could get an injectable methadone privata script... do you don't have to prove nonthings with bottle tops stuff/etcs you just drink it at leisure chuck the bottle out afterwards

SometimesSaintly...: only way I was told to avoid that was by yelping loudly and making said cat feel sorry for you!

Gledwood said...

Zhu: green? ours is green. in most other parts of the (English speaking) world, so I hear, it is ordinarily red... and x10 as strong. That dose is about 65mg from what I can see as in 65 mls also

Sinner: darling no methadone I EAT no breakfast no nothing just puke and sweat all day

Magdalene: yup. ta!

Discovering: "ailurophile"~?? hmm I found out about the cat teet treading thing... sounds painful on an already birthridden mother cat but mother animals seem to lie quite quiet contentedly being suckled/sucked to death by their herd of baby swines... even mother roborovskis, whose babies are baked bean sized! ... as for cats being "content" I've heard prring is a kind of cat ultrasound and even cats in gt distress will prrr to comfort selves... it is quite a nice noise. unless you are a mouse. or a roborovski. of course...

Gledwood said...

Pod: I've done milk SHAKING. In a jamjar. With top-of-the-milk. Shake it up. Get BUTTER. NONSALTED yummier butter. Out again!

Auds: well instead of saving rotten old food I'm 'bout to post up my 3 recipies for fried/egg fried/bit egg fried and bit of chili fried bread... yummm!!!!! ;->...

PussInBoots:
methadone doesn't do bugger all except make you feel "ok" so don't worry about that. it is the nicotine patch of the junkie, know what I mean..??

Salty Miss Jill said...

I never knew that methadone was such a wonderful shade of green.
Love your blog! Consider me a fan...

xoxoxoxSMJ

TOM said...

That bread looks good, Amy wasn't bad on the Grammy's either!

Gledwood said...

Salty: it's only such a fetching shade of green in the UK aparently where it's cut down with "green syrup" into 1mg/1ml strengh... far as I know most other countries have red methadone at the x10 more powerful 10mg 1ml strength... FATAL should a small child get their mitts on it... as if our 1mg/1ml hasn't caused enough kiddies' deaths over the decades...

Tom: cheers... they must really have thought she was something to be allowed to perform down the line from London... here at the Brit awards they would only have countenanced Madonna or Michael Jackson doing an equivalent over trans-Atlantic link... and that at the very height of their powers... so Amy ought to be flattered the grammies REALLY DO LIKE HER...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood