HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, February 25, 2008

Self-Aspirated Blisters/etc

I'M INCLUDING A PIC of that beautiful giant mountainside trotter the PIKA, who collects poisonous flowers for the winter, that, as they slowly break down over the cold season, become nontoxic and edible before they rot... and that is how the tubby little pika feeds himself... and did you know this...= 100% true? In the wild, roborovskis use the established rambling paths of and sometimes live inside the burrows of pikas!... that is 100% true and correct! Imagine what the giant pikas think as my tiny robbies quickly scuttle on past into their personal deeper levels... "grrr! Bloody vermin! Tweetie-Pie meeces in my house again! We shall HAVE to put down more poison!!" (Robos are too intelligent to nibble the pika's poisonous flowers...)

I'm very sluggish and slow and miserable today... not entirely sure why... leg a little less painful by the day. Pain seems to be caused by the blisters re-forming/filling (where of course underneath it's red raw...) On Friday the A&E nurse "aspirated" these for me (basically means she burst 'em with a whacking great horse-needle and sucked the gunge into a gigantic syringe... surely something we've all wanted to do? ... Or am I totally barking up the wrong tree? To pop a zit by sucking it into a syringe... or to do likewise with a boil or pussing abscess... or even plain old "brandy"-filled blisters...

Anyhow, seeing as it's now mostly dried out and scabberous by now, and going all itchy inside I felt I wanted to change my dressings myself... cleaned it up and "aspirated" my own blisters (barely anything to drain they're sinking down into soon-to-be-scabs now...)...

Even Mother Hubbard, whose last abscess was so spectacular, the doctors asked if they could photograph it for their records, (it required surgical intervention literally on the FIFTH day since first appearing... and was so deep it required "fingers" of tampon-like interior packing... she was lucky to have sorted herself hospital-wise so soon as these "fingers" (which I saw myself: empty, I could literally have inserted my own fingers into them... this was the infection's jamboree of drilling not one but TWO attempts right down into the bone and it very nearly had reached there... abscess is VERY difficult to get out of bone... that requires the highest antibiotic doses of all... that is what loses people their legs...

Anyway, Mother Hubbs said my wound was pretty spectacular considering it was just a "miss"/partial "miss" caused by bad drugs and not even an infection... that's NASTY business.

And the sneery look on "nurse aspirator's" face at me the "barbiturate injector"... I TOLD them it was unwittingly and inadvertently done... I SAID I haven't actually "seen" a barbiturate capsule in my life. (All I "saw" prior to that injection was scummy brown heroin!)

I am going to have to get my dressings changed properly and professionally tomorrow... the GP's surgery will supposedly do this for me... if not the drugs service...

Hmmm I am TIRED. I slept for a LONG long time last night... from a miserable 6pm turn in to a 9am "gotta run!" I sorted myself out gloriously...

... gotta get my chicken pieces and peppers and all... y'know. I found some Arabic Coca-Cola on the street (in date! Just because it was covered in unusual writing and obviously some kind of special edition it had been judged inedible/undrinkbble and so chucked outside...) this had me peeing all night... When I awoke in the early hours, full-on robo-tainment was happening...

Hey best of news: my robbies seem to have stopped excessively washing and itching... seems they've left their "mites" far behind themselves... and their harvesty-coloured coats smell all fresh and harvesty now, too... not that they ever smelt nasty but they're fresher than ever living on and behind newspaper now... excellent stuff... Even pingy Baby Itchy seems well... too well almost... she was squabbling with Bashful this morning. Which made me wonder where that power-struggle will end up... with Queen Itchy I ruling over them all, do you wonder?...

... I dunno! Well I better had go. Hope all is well with y'all my friends... take care...


g
xx


I am behind with my Videos, so here's a whole list of all the most recent. If they aren't upscreen then click on anything you like the sound of and you'll go straight there on whatever other blog it's to be found on...

Staxx: Joy
Liza Minelli: Losing My Mind
Talking Cat
Madonna: The Power of Goodbye
Two Cats Chatting: Translation
Michael Jackson: Stranger In Moscow
Madonna: Hung Up
Amy Winehouse: Back to Black
Kraftwerk: The Model
Right Said Fred ~ Too Sexy ~ Daz Commercial

I love doctors' medical memoirs: this is a good one you can "listen again" to from Radio 4: Trust Me, I'm a Junior Doctor by Max Pemberton. If you want to hear it all from the beginning you'll need to clickonit today as (last) Monday's (the first) instalment vanishes as of midnight London time tonight...

19 comments:

Patti said...

Please continue to take care of your self. As if nurses have any right to "sneer" at patients. I'd like to smack em'. Hmmph.

Okay what is arabic cola? You need to share a pic of a bottle of it.

tut-tut said...

Make sure you let the professionals change your dressings, even if they are hard hearted and generally ill tempered. I know it's tempting to "help things along" but don't.

I'm glad you got a good long rest. And everyone's fur is fluffy and lovely!

Akelamalu said...

Good to hear your leg is feeling better, but stop messing with it and leave it to the nurses Gleds. Hopefully it won't be too long before it's completed healed. x

WAT said...

Is this thine leg Gleds? WOW! MY GOODNESS! Well, my eyelid is better, after going through hell with it last week as u read on mee blog.

Hmmm, I hear Manuka Honey is terrific for wounds of this sort, lather it on and then put the dressings. You should heal faster, nicely, and with prolly little to no scarring.

Gledwood said...

Patti: I will; they don't; I wouldn't (any excuse to call security on the junkie); Arabic Coca Cola:= EXACTLY the same as the Euro-variety... as for American I'm not sure whether ours is "classic" or ... is there another Coca-Cola in America? I don't know...

Tut-Tut: I think you're right it's already hurting more thanks to my "efforts"... also bits of bandage keep falling on the floor now and I can't possibly reuse them...

When Itchy "got a job as a rapper" her name was going to be Furry Fur...

Akelamalu: O no! Do you think I really did wrong... o dear me... havta see the nurse tomorrow now it's urgent I cannot have dirty old dressings on it, I really can't. Not in 21st century Britain!

Wat: Honey on the wound... wouldn't I get REALLY STICKY... and constantly get chased around by bees (OK it IS January... but I saw a bumblebee on new year's day last year which is UNHEARD OF over here).... hey I might try that... better than messing around with antiseptic creams etc etc I'm very glad your eye better did you GET to a dr..? No I bet. Hmmm

CrystalChick said...

That sounded like a major wound on Mother Hubbs. Hope you heal a little each day! Glad your babies are better! I liked the Liza one. I'll post a video of her I like one day soon. :)
Be well.

Gledwood said...

Cheers it was a HORRIBLE HUGE pussing infection... I only wish they'd video'd and youtubed the operation (GENERAL ANAESTHESIA!!) that must've been absolutely gorgeous in a "collecting fresh mayonnaise" type of way... Losing my Mind is the ONLY Liza Minelli I know apart from Cabaret's songs... and I only know THAT as I got dragged in to see the stage version once... found it surprisingly good... really amazing actually... no Liza Minelli in fact her part was played by a blonde if I remember correctly but it was really good actually better than the film I'd say ;->...


Vi said...

Soory I haven't been around the last few days, been a bit hectic. Glad to read youa re still alive and hope the leg gets better soon!

Liz said...

Do hope it all heals up soon, Gleds. It all sounds like it must have been horrible. Make sure you keep on taking care of yourself and getting the right treatment and dressings.

Good news that the robbies are mite-free and fluffy again. They are such a joy to hear about.

How's Mother hubbs?

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I hope your leg is better on the morrow!

Rest well, my friend.

Deb said...

I'm glad that both you and the robofriends are on the mend.

I could never sleep that long...I'm lucky if I get 6 hours ever.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I hope your leg is getting better and will soon be quite OK again. Good that the robos are looking better and enjoying themselves. Take great care, Regards, Merle.

Patti said...

Gled I didn't catch a Tuesday post and hub will be in surgery tomorrow so maybe i'll get caught back up with you Wed evening or on Thursday. Hope all is well!

Mallory said...

i really love your blogs! patti is right, take care of yourself :)

Gledwood said...

Vi: cheers... I will come round to you soon...

Liz: Mother Hubbs is OK. She now blames her fall on barbiturates! I don't know I really don't know...

Sometimes~Saintly: I'm not that good at properly resting but I did have a try...

Debs: that long... yeah it's odd... I tried on techniques like making the room freezing cold and wrapping self in a blanket (that seems to work pretty well for sleeping I'm not altogether sure why but it does have you ever tried that? making wrapping yourself up in bed the ONLY way of keeping warm and hey presto you also tend to sleep whereas if you're too hot it's too easy NOT to sleep at all...

yes the tiny tubbies! are not soaking wet all the time! which is either because of my moving them out of sawdusty woodshavings accommodation which ... well would YOU like sawdust in your hair 24-7? or it's to do with providing them finally with a proper "burrow" ... or a bit of both maybe...(??)...

Gledwood said...

Merle: "great" ... that is a highly operative word I need GREATNESS back in my life! and not just a Great Big Failure~!!

Patti: Not too bad I only wrote about boring old antidepressants tonight so you didn't miss much! ;->...

Mallory: ~~glad ya like it!!~~ hey how did you find my blog? Or did I find you? I've not gone hopping for AGES... was gonna hop out 2nite actually! ;->...

Gledwood said...


Hey! How come all my winking faces:

;->...

manage to come out with jaws dislocated to new lines tonight...!!..??..!!..??..!..>..?..?????????

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood