HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Yummy B

YUMMY B: THAT IS THE NAME that I was going to call myself if I ever became a rapper (as if!)... really (as you may by now know) the phrase signifies "delicious heroin"... my life; my love; my undying obsession.

So many times I've thought I had some sort of a handle on things. So often (ie always) I have been wrong.

Before I found heroin I did some of the things "normal" people do to stave off unhappiness. Sometimes I drank, but I never really liked that. Other times I gobbled whole packets of Maryland cookies with lots of mugs of hot chocolate. I distracted myself with television. Music. Books I loved. Things.

These temporary escape routes all work. But I found the switch or trigger behind them; the satifaction switch. And this is what heroin presses directly.

So all those years of unhappiness, veering into sheer misery, months of relentless depression with insomnia so bad I was not sleeping at all. All the miseries I suffered, all my tribulations. These were all "cured" ~ miraculously ~ the moment I got on to heroin.

Last night (like a fool) I was "researching" my drug-of-choice online. The resulting read got me so fired up I wanted nothing but hit after generous hit. But I had no hits. And so I had to wait until today...

... then in the night I realized how I've messed things up - yet again - with my accommodation. I owe the council money. They could chuck me out on the street. If they do I will most certainly and definitely END this tawdry story, I told myself...

... and reeled through in my head what methods of selfdestruction I could use. When I tried to poison myself (yet my idiot body puked nearly the entire dose of 70 pills back up) I lost three days. And woke into the most nauseated haze you could ever imagine. Nasty stuff. When I was suicidal before I wanted to go before the express train. And yet (as I said here) the driver once saw my eyes and panicked, waving at me. The more depressed I've been, the more convinced I get that suicide will be a failure. The train will kick me out of its way like a football. Sending me softly onto a great green mossy cushion. Or something.

Then I looked at my tubby furries. All lined up in a row having groomed one another. Their fur wet and tawny. I would have to leave a note saying bring them to Mother Hubbard's and do not try to handle them - they don't like it! They wouldn't miss me. Of course they know me, but they don't crave human company the way cats or dogs do. For animals so tiny, however, they do quite unusually look me directly in the eye... if you've ever kept rodents or other tiny pets you'll know how unusual this is.

When I first got on to heroin, despite the money probs and withdrawals, my using was like Christmas every day. How I loved it!! I have never loved anyone or anything the way I have loved heroin. I know how sad this sounds: but that's the addict life. That's what addiction IS. If you don't feel that way and you ARE on the drugs, you should find it quite easy to stop.

I have never found quitting easy. The years of misery, self-hatred. Those are what heroin "cured". Other addicts have other problems - most of the girls I know have been sexually abused. Neary ALL have been raped (after they got into the drugs). We all have our crosses to bear.

Today I was trying to sort something out from midday till past five pm. First the money fell through. Then I thought I would get it but had to go right out of my way. I checked my best dealer was on: yes. Even after I got back home, cash in hand, I had to wait over an hour for his arrival.

So this is the life I "love" so much..? I unwrapped the white polythene package. Chucked about a third on my spoon. Cooked up a pale solution. It didn't look so promising. Poked it in the best vein I've still got left and... whoosh! The rush, the taste in my mouth... like the best gear from a few years ago. And somehow, briefly, once again, it all seemed worthwhile.

***

For all you yesterday who wanted some love but didn't get it here:

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

it's a tag I got... pass it on to as many as you can ...

***

Videos of the Day:
Kitten Climbing Leg
Spinning White Faced Roborovski Hamster

23 comments:

d SINNER!!! said...

cool place u have here and yea great deal of blogs ur handling...

while ur frnd grew up in an Osho commune, i grew up reading his books and meditating on his theories...

thnx for the tag....

Gledwood said...

I don't keep up the blogs every day tho! Only once in a while & all except this are just youtube screens...

hey is that really you? that pic? or am I being slow... forgive me but it looks so Britney-esque!

have you spent much time in those Osho places? I know there's been much scandal surrounding it all...

I think my friend might have been into the one in Pune, she had a real thing about Pune but kept some things to herself... we were in Goa together (but not "together"...) I was with my now-ex who had no idea (or respect) for the simple fact that ordinary Indian women do not go out dressed in nothing but a "baby-doll" nightie type dress no matter how hot the weather!

thanxx for dropping by

pass on those hearts!!

Bimbimbie said...

oh what a pity those hearts didn't reach me ... quick, catch these that are coming your way righttttt NOW *!*

The other day I heard an interview between an author, not sure if he was a doctor - but talking about heroin addiction and how easy it was to come off it, I thought of you and what you might be saying back at him had you been in the same room as me ... I'll see if it's available for you to check out and if it is I'll post a link for you. Take care and be kind to yourself (but not too kind with H)

johno said...

Gledwood said...What if you have the desire to stop but you JUST CAN'T DO IT?

There are some unfortunates who cant, but as yet, I havent seen anyone not who has done the 12 steps and maintains it as laid out in the big book alcoholics anonymous.

recovery Love tag back :)

Kathy Lynne said...

Hi! Thanks for visiting my blog. Should I make you go back to my first post or so where I explain the meaning of Gospodi Pomiluj? Okay, I won't. It means Lord Have Mercy in Serbian. Part of the Serbian Orthodox Liturgy. The only religon I have ever had any connection to thru my grandmother. Anyway it sounds nice, reminds me of my grandma and I like the message because that's what I need for my alcoholism, Mercy. I'm happy to offer any help or advice that I can give. How about, don't use...:) and is that one brief moment worth your life? That's all I got right now, that and some ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ xo

Anonymous said...

Ooooh my comment isn't an "answer"! I was lucky enough to know I was easily addicted to a lot of things in a physical/chemical way and avoided several extra dangerous potentials completely from when younger. But that doesn't stop one from becoming addicted to many other things. Gobbling whole packets of Maryland cookies with lots of mugs of hot chocolate still won't work more then 'briefly'. Your unhappiness is 'cured' briefly by heroin? *sigh* I'm mostly addicted to blogging now which lasts takes a lot longer ... I sent back your ♥ tags to you. They do need to be spread around a lot. See, my comment isn't really an "answer" ♥

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Oh, Gleds, what an honest post. The hammies would miss you dreadfully - of course they would! Now don't go ENDING stuff on me or anyone else - PLEASE! We all care about you out here! Gleds, no one's life is as great as they say it is . There is always something worth hanging on for. One day at a time, Gleds. Love from Sicily x

Deb said...

gleds, I don't want to see you chucked out of your place....if I can help, let me know. Your hammies wouldn't be the only ones to miss you. I know someone in Canada who would have a big hole in her heart too.

Chris H said...

I think you are a nutter mate, a nice one, but still a nutter! Topping yourself is NO ANSWER.. so don't go there. The Hamms would miss ya! No doubt a few people too.

M- Filer said...

I am always compairing our drug lives when I read your blog, your current and my past( or future, after all who knows what is in store). But for once I don't really identify for some reason. If my drug was H, maybe I would.

Thank you for sharing all this. I try not to be preachy, but for God sake don't off your self. I'd miss ya!

Shadow said...

all addictions suck! and does one ever really get over them? sometimes i think one does, then again i don't. now i'm thinking all one every really does is learn to live with it, or rather, without them?!?!?! aaaanyway, thanks for love, right back at you too!!!

d SINNER!!! said...

oh no...thats not me et al...that's some rockstar-forgive me, I am forgetting the name...that was a design on my latest tee...and if it had been Britney, i wudn't have taken it....

Yeah! there are a lotta scandals but i don't believe all that shit...I haven't however, yet visited even one such commune!

and ur right...'baby doll' nighties are just a little too much for Indian people to handle...especially when it is flaunted anywhere other then the bedroom...

Cheers!

Bla said...

Heroin is a demon.

lostgirl said...

Oh poor Gleds. Your story is so sad. If you could kick the drugs perhaps things would change? You could afford your own pc and blog 24/7! Now thats an incentive. People would help you. In the end we all have to believe that there is a better life waiting for us to wake up and embrace.
thinking of you
lostgirl x

Akelamalu said...

How I wish I could help you but you know there's only one person who can - that's you. You have to want to be clean much more than you want the thing that's ruining your life Gleds. Whatever you do - don't let the suicide notion win.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: I heard a dr saying addicts could tell no difference between an injection of water and an injection of heroin..UH?? I once years ago bought something that looked/smelled(seemingly)/tasted/everything just like it yet did NOTHING and I knew STRAIGHT away!! Water... what planet... also he claimed withdrawal is "like the flu" it is NOT. Most people can sleep through the flu. Withdrawal you have no rest day or night for 5 days at least... That is called "highly qualified: selective research"...

Johno: maybe I'm one of them people then

KathyL: but I've tried not using! I can only go a day at most & most often half a day...

Anon: hmmm I got addicted to blogging ON TOP of all else ~::~ haha!

Gledwood said...

Welshcakes: I'm not going anywhere!

Debs: I'm not going anywhere I don't wanna leave huge holes in peoples clothes. Let alone hearts...

ChrisH: They might miss the fresh multigrain bread and birdseed I'm not SO sure about me they're not THAT tame but seem to almost enjoy playing "scared"...

(they are nothing like normal hamsters btw ~ far smaller about 2x as quick and very very flighty...)

MFiler: maybe that's bc the heroin has a "normal" thing in it... you can sit down sipping tea watching TV ... it doesn't excite like most strong drugs do it just ultranormalifies, kind of

Gledwood said...

Shadow: but how on earth do you live with them without indulging 'em..?

DSinn...: Didn't think you seemed a Britney fan type... as for the babydoll "thang" in India... yeah my point exactly I wish some more people would (have got) that... in the day... when I was with 'em it was so embarrassing KNOWING what everyone was thinking but never would say (not in English; not in front of me...) ... never again!

Bla: chief of the demons

Lost: if only!

Akelamalu: I know... but relying on me is a bit like using cotton thread to tether the QEII... when really you need foot-thick sea-going ropes...

M- Filer said...

I think you are right on that point. I never sat down in front of a TV with tea after smoking crack or meth.I don't even want to say what I did.

Patti said...

I want to learn how to make hearts... oh d sinners pic is SCARY! Hold me!

Gledwood said...

M-filer: I can guess!! ;->...

Patti: I am holding you down the broadband-line... take care! Why you so scared... what picture? You don't mean her Avatar? That just looks rockchick... what you mean? It's about 2 wks later now so you have to enlighten me (if you do see this...) if I do try look I bet I STILL won't C wot U talkin' 'bout...

;->...

ps Hillary for president!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood