HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Fobbed Off

I GOT TO THE DOCTOR'S on time... asked for an appointment with a nurse or a doctor. Said it was urgent. Nothing available till FRIDAY and a room full of "sick" people (ever noticed how nobody in the doctors' surgery actually LOOKS unwell most of the time... maybe that means they're a good doctor with a really high cure rate... whatever... I was directed to a 24-7 walk-in centre which is MILES away and allied to the biggest casualty department (ER) I have ever experienced. Let the fact that the British government have decreed to all NHS trusts that ALL "customers" MUST be seen WITHIN FOUR HOURS tell you how long the waits in these places can be... and of course you have the dregs and drunks of society haranguing, arguing (or in the best circumstances performing) in front of you... NO WAY did I wanna go up there. I got the phone number of another walk-in or drop-in at a hospital that is nearer and better (why not automatically referred there then? Literally it has to do with being on the "wrong side of the tracks"... or to put it another way, having the wrong postcode...) I am glad I had the presence of mind to telephone this place first. The young man who answered took an immediate interest in my complaint... "an ABSCESS?" he queried excitedly, (I wasn't even going to go down the "cellulitis" route: too exotic for most people)... he lowered his voice to intimate tones: "is it a peri-ANAL one?" "No. It's on the back of my leg." And then to throw an instant explicatory light upon the matter added (and I know I didn't have to) "I'm a heroin addict" oh I see. Then I DID get some good advice. Do NOT leave it. Come into casualty tomorrow morning or go to the drug service. They never HAD a walk-in (I'd been misinformed)... Once I was told to go to the drugs people I was relieved... they were the only place I wanted to go anyway. No lecturing Nigerian doctors; no four hour weights. They know me and I know I can come at 9am and get seen within half an hour. They are not meant to be a first-line treatment setting for stuff the family doctor's supposed to see to unless you don't have another doctor or (as in my case) the doctors have in essence refused you... Injecting infections are obviously a speciality and so I'll get a proper set of advice and treatment. I really did NOT want to go to casualty tonight... though my leg is dipping into chip fryer mode again... it does feel like a huge chip-fat burn sizzling away sometimes; then it gets a bit better and I think maybe it's not so bad after all... y'know how it goes...

I spoke to Mother Hubbs on the phone because she called her Dodgy (he is anything but dodgy actually) when we were down the pub round the corner from the doctors'... she is with her grandchildren across the country. She sounds normal now. When I spoke to her before seeing her and how her face had literally fallen: eyes barely open... after a "fit" she said she had... she sounded smashed out of her brains. I think she had a stroke but I know what she's like she will put off and put off seeing any medical professional... hmmm... who does THAT sound like?...

Well I am definitely going tomorrow my leg is only getting worse and worse. Weeping wet blisters and purple mottling with bits going white around it... doesn't look good...

So it's 9am at the druggery for me... and my hamsters are hiding in their huge tartan bag... maybe for several days...

RIGHT I HAD BETTER REPEAT HERE FOR REITERATION: IF FOR SOME REASON I AM NOT ONLINE FOR A FEW DAYS IT MEANS I AM IN HOSPITAL. THEY WOULD ONLY PUT ME IN HOSPITAL IF THEY THOUGHT I NEEDED IV ANTIBIOTICS. AT LEAST NOW I'M GOING TO THE DRUGS SERVICE DR AND NOT JUST A GENERAL ONE I GET A SEASONED APPRAISAL OF HOW BAD THIS THING REALLY IS AND IF THEY THINK I WANT TO BE EATING SHEPHERD'S PIE FOR A WEEK THEN SHEPHERD'S PIE IT IS (AND JELLY AND ICE-CREAM FOR PUDS: YUMM!) ;->...

PS I am now listening to Billy Bunter's Birthday Bash... it is so entertaining... do you know Billy Bunter? That 1950s nasty tubby schoolboy... like a humanized evil version of Spherical

26 comments:

Akelamalu said...

Just got your message on my blog. You have to wait until tomorrow? Now I'll be worried all night! Bloody GP can be a waste of space at times, still as long as you get it sorted soon. You take care and post tomorrow as soon as you've seen someone.

Gledwood said...

They were absolutely crowded out and unless I really caused a massive scene I really don't think I'd have got to see one. Unfortunately they were linked to the "walk-in" via means of some health trust or something which means they can refer me there (miles away) as if they're calling me in the next room to get weighed... and the walk in is glorified casualty I so much do not want to go up there I really don't if the dr I see at 9 tomorrow does say i need iv antibiotics (which means getting signed in) at least i ought to get a proper referral instead of hanging round casualty for about 9 hrs or more

tut-tut said...

Get there early! Maybe you'll be seen sooner (she said with hope . . .)

Gledwood said...

Definitely so ;->...

tut-tut said...

Sideways feelings? That's the first time I've heard it put that way. I'll still show my concern! You can take it and use it as you will . . . take care this evening!

Audrey said...

Im really concerned about you Gleds, hopefully you will get the treatment you need asap. It sounds very painful, will be thinking of you, and if it is to be shepherds pie and jelly and ice cream then make the most of it,eat as much as you can and ask for a doggy bag before they discharge you..:)

Thanks a bunch for the Madonna song it was very apt and affirming, see even when your in pain yourself you can bring a smile to anothers face. thankyou

Hope Mother Hubbard is okay and goes for a check up just in case

Take care and will be waiting eagerly for news.Auds x

Anonymous said...

Agree you are going to the right place and hope your leg stays out of chip fryer mode to get there. Also show your arm and anything else you can think of so everythings covered ... please :) I'm STILL worrying *sigh*

Gledwood said...

TutTut: I wish I could explain what I mean by sideways feelings... I still do have feelings but in many ways they are blunted... however when you throw a blanket over the human brain it merely compensates and so what actually happens the most isn't so much any "blunting" as total over-emotion-ness when in withdrawal or not even on heroin just methadone

Audrey: I wasn't in pain all the time otherwise I'd have gone to the drs far faster... I did have a night of protracted agony on Saturday I think it was now it is getting more painful as it's spreading I will end up limping just from the pressure of infected skin spread tight & walking

I wish MH would take her head out of the sand sometimes I know I am one to talk but she is even worse than me!

Anon: hey i might not have to go in that hospital... for some reason everyone else thinks i will but they don't operate on cellulitis as it's spread out diffuse on the surface rather than a lovely extractable bag of pus like an abscess... they might just give me antibiotics and on i go (might might might? I have no idea...)

molson said...

I've been in a right bad mood having waged a three day war to save a dying hard drive that I finally lost today. Then the weather turned and now everywhere in my small domain has turned to a sheet of ice. Crampons are required just to get the mail, but this leg thing you have going on Gledwood, now that is a real problem unlike my petty little torments. You get well now Gledwood. Easier said than done I know.

BUMBLE!!! said...

Thanks for the visit.
You've definitely got a blog kingdom going.

Keep up the good work.

Keshi said...

aww TC Gledz!

Keshi.

Bimbimbie said...

Oh no not another night to get through before having that leg of yours looked at. Chin up gleds, you do a lovely turn of phrase even when you are suffering in that chip pan of yours. Fingers crossed you get seen to early Weds *!*

junky said...

Shit Gled get that taken care of post haste, then bilk them out of a couple of days good food and meds...

Gattina said...

I wish you all the best !!

Tea N. Crumpet said...

Gledwood, I am so sad to read this. I hope you get in ASAP! Do you have someone to care for your furry creatures?

If you get online soon, please check out the HAMSTA DANCE on youtube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOWgGOQBwP8&feature=related

Vincent said...

Good luck mate :-)

Nicole said...

Next time don't leave it until this late! Most things if treated early will only be minor. I hope it all goes well. I had a good laugh at the Nigerian doctor and the "just stop being addicted" line, awesome understanding of addiction. I'm surprised someone hasn't just slogged him across the head with a cricket bat for that one.

CrystalChick said...

Strange... around here we have a family doctor but he's only in Mon. Tues. Thurs. Friday. The rest of the time you could call his answering service for a call back and depending, they might call something in to the pharmacy. Otherwise, it's the ER for emergencies which people use around here for everything not always emergencies. Seems they are forced to at times tho. Haven't ever been to a walk-in clinic type place altho I have heard there is one somewhere. And our pharmacies can't dispense meds without doctor prescription unless it's an OTC, over the counter, type medication that anyone can buy with or without advice. Like a cough medicine or allergy tablet, etc.

I do hope you get proper care very soon and are on your way to better health.
Thinking of you! Be well.

Audrey said...

Im hoping Gleds that your absence means were tucking into shepherds pie and all those lovely stodgy puddings they serve in hospital. Hoping you've made a full and good recovery by the time you read this. Auds

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you. Peace and Love. OMMMMMM

Akelamalu said...

You're not here! I presume that means you're in hospital? I hope that's where you are, you need to get well. x

Gledwood said...

Molson: cheers I'm getting well because on strong antibiotics so any infection that IS in there (I'm not so sure it's completely "not infected" as they say it was red hot the night b4 I went in... & so on & so on...)... battling for 3 days to save a hard drive...? whatever did that entail? and whatever is the world coming to...?~??~???

Bumble: cheers I shall!

Keshi: I'm T-ing C: ta!

Bimbimbie: do I still have a "lovely turn of phrase"? aarh! that is brilliant... I am glad.

used to think I could do nothing at least I know I'm a master blogger now even if it does NOT get the 10,000 daily readers I originally envisaged... (that's true! I honestly thought I'd be up to 10,000 daily hits by now EASILY!!!

Gledwood said...

Junky: yeah i did get it seen to p.h.... whacha mean good food and melts? o you mean ME? thought you meant the MONTH (ast least) supply of seeds/cereals/etc I left my hammies b4 I left (so paranoid about being treated could barely get outta the house for nearly 2 days...)

Gattina: merci beaucoup! ;->...

Tea & Crumpet: think i've SEEN the hammydance but shall have a look @ urs!... someone to take care of my tubby trotters? no Mother Hubbs was away... I really would have liked someone to but EVERYONE seems to have cats and my robos are in a tank without gauze over the top and purchasing a 10"x18" min size gauze was the LAST thing on my mind the other day/night I assure you! ;->... the trotters don't really NEED looking after themselves... assuming they have sufficient food/water they should be able to go EASILY one month without any human intervention... they DO after all come from the fringes of the GOBI DESERT and so are naturally acclimatized to exceedingly extreme natural conditions....

Vincent: cheers ;->...

Gledwood said...

Nicole: bloody locums! I know!!

Crystal: isn't everything involving "ERs" really expensive in America... like they're snatching your AMEX off you while you're still semiconscious on the stretcher...?

Do they ever chuck people out on the streets bc they can't pay?

Also what happens if someone's treated extensively whilst utterly unconscious then they wake up and say "I never wanted or asked for any of this I'm not paying I'd rather have died bugger off you all!"~~~???!??? :-o ??

Audrey: no! actually worse luck (in one little way)... bc I'm back... thanxx for caring tho I'm glad ppl care...

Anon: I'm thinking of you too... was just about to jump into your blog but never know quite WHICH one to jump into... is it the middle one (as listed in order on your profile...)...?

:-o

??

Akelamalu: EVERYONE told me I would end up in there... how WRONG they were... mostly because it was NOT an infection and NOT amenable to surgical treatment... simple as that really... it was just a really bad "ordinary" (rare actually...) reaction

;->...

many thanks for all your lovely messages they are MUCH APPRECIATED.

and i mean that TO AKELA and EVERYONE...

MANY THANXX EVERYONE...

;->...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood