HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Cupboard full of Hubbards!

MOTHER HUBBARD'S GOT A HOUSEFULL OF FAMILY (crawling alive with grandkids!) so I am avoiding her today... I don't know whether this is a good picture of lots of children. The others I dredged up appeared to be mostly children's choirs and I'm sure that is not what Hubbs's grandkids are doing today...

I could have scored today but I had only £5 and I'm past spending my last £5 on drugs. I used to do stupid things like that ALL THE TIME... now I really cannot see the point of going through all that hassle... finding someone to split a measly little £10 bag in half with... having to keep up with "shoplifter's walk" (which I'm no good at bc I'm not a shoplifter. And I'm too old to walk that fast.)

I did meet THEE arch-shoplifter of the area just now. To me he appears borderline-old but I've been told he is only 50somthing. He wears a business suit all the time so he can raid supermarkets for Mach 3 razors, condoms (the whorehouse will buy these!), smoked salmon, steak and scotch/...etc. When I (VERY briefly) took up shoplifting some years ago I went straight for the scotch and champagne. Which are apparently the two most difficult things to get out. So I was lucky to get out of there without being pounced upon (all three times or so that I did it). I just enjoyed going into a caff full of smoking gambling foreigners shouting "champagne! champagne!" Anyway: last time I scored with him it involved practically running for about 2 miles. And getting 2 bags of crappy tiny heroin and half a rock of whizzingly strong crack (I'd have much preferred the situation to come the other way round... strong heroin...) I do know this person... About ten years ago I scored off him when junkies were still dealing (instead of "professional" dealers (which means more often than not a deadbeat school leaver with no exams and an attitude problem with a drugs connexion...) but for some reason when we were running and I was practically having an asthma/heart attack all in one I had the thought in my head that he would run off on me. Him being 20 years older and yet 20 times more fit, seemingly. Even though he DOES look 80. OK not 80 but 65 maybe...

What was I going on about... nothing, I see.

Right. Yesterday I took my robbies out for a ping in the (empty) bath. Laundretta had left spikes and peaks of white bubblebath all over the place, so I had to swill it out first with water. Then they went mental. Whizzing round and round like furry Scalectrix. If they're minded to they can easily get from shallow end to plug end in one second that's how fast they run. Faster than wild mice. And if you've ever seen wild mice tamed and how dopey they are you'll realize that a wild robo must be like lightning.... Anyway so I did this and had to swish out their droppings which are sesame-seed sized. Imagine what Laundretta would think of that!... aargh we've had mice throwing a squat party in our bath!!!

They were thoroughly wet through afterwards. Especially Itchy (who is fastest)... probably their feet plashed water all over their backs...

Well I had to get some more chicken legs today. As I posted before I ran out of Worcester sauce last week. I had used an entire (150mls) bottle in 7 days... that's obsessional cooking for you.

Many thanks for all your comments everyone. I can only answer individually when I have more "fortitude"...

What can I say about yesterday? I'm not going to delete it.

On someone's blog (when I hopped sideways through someone I know's comments into people I don't know...) there was a really funny post about WHAT NOT TO POST... it said WE DON'T WANNA HEAR HOW DEPRESSED YOU ARE? (Point taken.) But sometimes I have to strike a balance between posting something totally irrelevant and not true and telling the truth... what am I supposed to do..? Know what I mean..?

Vid: Madonna: Hung Up
2. ~Cat Pedalling

19 comments:

Cinn said...

fun stuff :) you're always so much fun to read.

Gledwood said...

if there were a thumbs up sign here I would send it to you...

hang on I will get you some hearts

Gledwood said...

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ !!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Just been catching up on your posts, Gleds. Loved the spinning robo...really funny. Cats pedal when they're especially content...it relates back to their kittenhood and they would do that when the suckled. It had the added benefit of keeping the milk coming, too.

Your post on how you feel about heroin was eye-opening. I just cannot imagine it, but thank you for showing me how it is with you.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

lettuce said...

you post what you want to, thats what i reckon...

just came to say "hey Gled" actually

(hey gled)

be ok, gled.
i hope you will be.

Nicole said...

I am all in favour of posting the truth. If people don't want to hear about depression or hard times then they can go here:
http://www.cuteoverload.com/

It's your blog and you should post about yourself, your life, your experiences and what you're going through. Not everyone may wish to read it, but that's their problem.

Deb said...

I do know what you mean...I always go over that fine line and put too much of my mood into my post. And then I try and counter it with a meaningless post full of nothing afterward.

Anonymous said...

HAHA, what is the point of blogging if not posting what YOU want to post? Your robbies are REALLY cute looking and I enjoyed reading about them "Whizzing round and round like furry Scalectrix." Also enjoyed visualising what Laundretta would think of a squat party in the bath! Heehee. They are like Aliens to me; have no idea what they are like, but know more now :) One question, why does a doorbell ring when I visit and I didn't press any doorbell button?

d SINNER!!! said...

hmmm...

nice to find a blog, different from others...

u have ur own lessons...

Gledwood said...

PussInBoots: re the cats ~ only answer I'd heard was that in kittens it stimulates the mother cat's milk glands... re heroin yeah that's how it is I'm shamed to say

Lettuce: hey Lettuce be nice today...

wah-waah! sorry best pun I could come up with there hahar!

Nicole: yeah you're quite right. i think part of the "what do people want to read" comes from the point that I always wanted to be a commercial writer... i think if you write a novel telling a story and only write "to yourself" it can turn into pretentious literary wank but writing to another person keeps you "telling a story" which of course is what novels are all about... I spose I carry the same thing over here... and unlike a diary in a blog I KNOW people are reading it so I spose maybe I do worry too much. sometimes...

Gledwood said...

Debs: I know exactly where you're coming from ... as I posted... but none of your posts e.g. about your Dad in hospital that wasn't ranty or boring I don't think for any of us... honestly. I spose what I get a bit wary of here is putting up childishly detailed "drug porn" that maybe some people like but nearly ALL my friends, who I talk to are either ex-users and clean or never have been. so I'm bringing stuff into their life that ordinarily you wouldn't want to and would hope that 1st hand in active situations you NEVER have to deal with. I sometimes think people will get fed up of me not being able to get my act together. Then again I never promised to. And that ~ in most ways actually ~ is what heroin addicts ARE: people who cannot get their lives together!

Anonymous: Roborovskis? I will post something about them in a mo...

DSinner: there are some other heroin/crack/methaddict blogs at junkylife.com but I've not found most of them that inspiring ... many of the writers are clean and could never have kept it together enough to KEEP a blog while using... many are semi-clean ie on methadone but still using few times a week... but nearly all seem to suffer from that EMOTIONAL CONSTIPATION thing that most men and (even worse) addicts have this "couldn't describe my way out of an emotional paper bag" thing going on...

Eileen said...

Gledwood, if your posts were boring you wouldn't have this many readers...duh. 1+1=3.

It is your medium, therefore, to heck with anyone who presumes to dicate what you should be writing about. Keep writing the way that you always have...

CrystalChick said...

Your blog, your life.
Some days I'm in the mood to stay and read and comment, other days not, and same with people who stop by my page.
Some only like to read the salacious details of others lives, others like family themes, some prefer politics, or humor, etc.

Yours is a mix of many things and it seems you have alot of people who feel you are unique enough to continue coming by to visit.

Patti said...

I agree - you're blog, you post, piss, moan, whine, congratulate, pat yourself on the back do whatever YOU want!

Bimbimbie said...

Keep on saying what you want to say, Smiles *!*

Gledwood said...

Eileen: yeah you're right I know I get para sometimes I push people's limits with grossness or things they don't really wanna hear about

Crystal: thanks for that did you ever hear about the 3 month thing... some call it the 6 month thing... that after about that time(whichever) you suddenly start straining for something to post... I feel a bit of that but what the heck I just post anyhow

Patti: I don't wish to urinate on my blog though

Bimbimbie: the only thing I banned myself from doing was swearing (in the main text not the comments)... that had to do with "upholding a certain standard"~!!

Gledwood said...

to tangled up in l'heure bleu

Jo Malone: London... know her stuff? ... surely she's opened Stateside by now... what do you think of her parfumery?

"headspace technology" for creating some ultimate scents... what do you think of this...

and as for the great American/French fragrance debate... have you any opinions/hints/clues/entertainments to say about this?

I've found French fragrance is most usually FAR more commonly perfectly rounded... a gorgeous concoction of top, middle, bottom notes ... all most carefully and wilfully blended to produce the absolute most sublime product possible in our times... compare e.g. Channel No 5 to Calvin Klein's Eternity (pour femme)... the Calvin Klein just does not measure up... it has sharp bits, olfactory blind alleys... it's nothing LIKE in the same league as No 5 which has an integral, all in one most beautiful aroma... call me unoriginal but Channel No 5 to this day is one of if not THEE alltime classic...

opop said...

情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, ut聊天室, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網, 影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友,

免費A片, 本土自拍, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片, 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 免費A片下載, 性愛, 成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊,

fgeegf said...

做愛的漫畫圖片, 情色電影分享區, 做愛ㄉ影片, 丁字褲美女寫真, 色美眉, 自拍俱樂部首頁, 日本偷自拍圖片, 色情做愛影片, 情色貼圖區, 八國聯軍情色網, 免費線上a片, 淫蕩女孩自拍, 美國a片, 都都成人站, 色情自拍, 本土自拍照片, 熊貓貼圖區, 色情影片, 5278影片網, 脫星寫真圖片, 粉喵聊天室, 金瓶梅18, sex888影片分享區, 1007視訊, 雙贏論壇, 爆爆爽a片免費看, 天堂私服論壇, 情色電影下載, 成人短片, 麗的線上情色小遊戲, 情色動畫免費下載, 日本女優, 小說論壇, 777成人區, showlive影音聊天網, 聊天室尋夢園, 義大利女星寫真集, 韓國a片, 熟女人妻援交, 0204成人, 性感內衣模特兒, 影片, 情色卡通, 85cc免費影城85cc, 本土自拍照片, 成人漫畫區, 18禁, 情人節阿性,

aaaa片, 免費聊天, 咆哮小老鼠影片分享區, 金瓶梅影片, av女優王國, 78論壇, 女同聊天室, 熟女貼圖, 1069壞朋友論壇gay, 淫蕩少女總部, 日本情色派, 平水相逢, 黑澀會美眉無名, 網路小說免費看, 999東洋成人, 免費視訊聊天, 情色電影分享區, 9k躺伯虎聊天室, 傑克論壇, 日本女星杉本彩寫真, 自拍電影免費下載, a片論壇, 情色短片試看, 素人自拍寫真, 免費成人影音, 彩虹自拍, 小魔女貼影片, 自拍裸體寫真, 禿頭俱樂部, 環球av影音城, 學生色情聊天室, 視訊美女, 辣妹情色圖, 性感卡通美女圖片, 影音, 情色照片 做愛, hilive tv , 忘年之交聊天室, 制服美女, 性感辣妹, ut 女同聊天室, 淫蕩自拍, 處女貼圖貼片區, 聊天ukiss tw, 亞亞成人館, 777成人, 秋瓷炫裸體寫真, 淫蕩天使貼圖, 十八禁成人影音, 禁地論壇, 洪爺淫蕩自拍, 秘書自拍圖片,

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood