HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, February 01, 2008

Cyber Lemons to Literary Lemonade...

THEY SAY THAT TIME, CHANCE AND SERENDIPITY will, with the right attitude, eventually turn sour old lemons into whizzy sparkling glorious lemonade!


I hope that's happening to me.

The boss-man at the internet café I used to frequent has always had a snotty, imperious attitude; particularly to me. I get the impression he considers himself above running a cybercaff from late morning till well past midnight seven days a week. A disinfectant-stinking cubicled-off emporium full of a multinational throng gabbling loudly (especially in Italian and Somali, for some reason), which annoys him. He's always telling happy customers to pipe down. Otherwise they are noshing on smelly kebabs (which he can't complain about as his staff (who are all family) get food sent round for themselves from the restaurant on the corner, laughing loudly at webcam exchanges (he hates any sound of happiness) and sometimes viewing porn. I once found myself seated next to a furtive odd guy who seemed to be wearing excessive layers of leather jackets (there was this loud sound of unzipping...)... then I looked ostentatiously over and realized this character was not merely viewing obscenities but taking a more active role... if you see what I mean. Hastily I logged out and fled in horror and had to take an especially large shot of heroin to blank the indelible imagery from my head...

All this goes on and yet he chose to have a real go at me the other night - me a faithful account holder who gives them cash every week - not for doing any of those things but for (apparently) :- changing seats too many times over the course of an evening...

"Why do you do this? Why you changing computer?" he loudly demanded. (Yes he's foreign.)

I wasn't aware I HAD committed the crime of excessive seat-swapping... but anyway I told him why. Because my first workstation had crashed. Then on the next I fell foul of the dreaded popups-blocker, which makes commenting on many blogs impossible. (My main blog is usually set for comments on a new page; my others use pop-up windows so if you've got a video playing it carries on as you comment... you can alter these settings quite easily. The pop-up window also makes it harder to click in and out of blogs commenting as you'll end up with window laid over window until eventually the system threatens meltdown... hmmm...) So I told Snottystein this: that it had crashed and then the pop-up blocker...

"Oh blah blah blah blah blah," he blustered. "If you do this again I cancel your account."

Your computer does not work. When it happens again (note when not if as these things happen all the time) I will show you."

He waved a dismissive hand. "No changing seats. Or your account is cancel."

"I said yeah yeah yeah and proceeded to studiedly ignore him. I have no time for people who ask "why?" and then will not hear my answer.

When I ventured outside for a cigarette he harangued me yet again. Repeating the same one point made earlier. Like a fool I tried my explanation again but he still wasn't listening.

That's another reason I change seats. Because in the course of an evening (I did used to spend many (slightly) happy hours in there...) I always do log out, smoke (or drink!) and return. And sometimes my original seat is taken. Or I naively take a new one only to find no headphones... meaning no radio or anything like that...

Those whose minds are already made up don't notice reasonable reasons why. They only see aberration upon abberation until they're convinced something fishy is afoot.

The good thing about that cybercafé was their late opening times. And the fact you could always get straight on a computer without queueing... on reflection I can see why.

The best thing about that place was the impassioned arguments that flared up from time to time from customers who thought Snottystein had wronged them... these were always good entertainment. Especially the one with the thumb-flicking Italian woman when a whole van-load of police had to come...

My new netcafé is always calm. And the staff are helpful. Not slimy like Snottystein's eldest son who is dismissive to me who didn't get which drive did which A, B or C but smarming all over any female who doesn't understand the shift key. They open earlier each morning but are shut long before midnight. I've switched my account here and, surprise surprise can no longer procrastinate my energy any more on post-midnight web browsing when I'm supposed to be writing. My memoirs are coming on whizzingly. That's what I meant about lemons and lemonade. Every frought or offensive situation might have a surprisingly good outcome. Every cloud has a silvery lining. And one arrogent, snotty man's foul attitude has helped me transform sour old procrastinating cyber-lemons ~ hopefully ~ into autobiographical lemonade..!

TUNE OF THE DAY:
Age of Love: with snazzy video
Age of Love: Jam & Spoon best mix.

28 comments:

lime said...

well it certainly sounds like you've traded up in every way you could by finding a new place.

Whitenoise said...

Interesting vids. I was already too old for the whole rave/techno/trance thing, so I'm not familiar with very much of it.

Gled, laptop computers are pretty cheap these days... perhaps you could even get a used one if you're a bit short on cash... That would get you out of the clutches of the cafe-nazis...

Gledwood said...

Lime: their computers can be even slower but at least I don't have a Publick Enquiry if ever I just wanna log out and get to a less-misbehaving one...

Whitenoise: I would really like to get a Mac Notebook if I could with the audiovisual editing stuff (to make films/audio clips) that would be my ideal ... (I know they're more expensive but hey..(?)...

Patti said...

I hate asshats. I am glad you found a new/better place!

Gledwood said...

me too, ta!

Akelamalu said...

Sounds like a much nicer place to be Gleds.

Akelamalu said...

Sounds like a much nicer place to be Gleds.

gledwood said...

it most certainly is!!

tut-tut said...

Thank you for the hearts!

Look on eBay for used computers; but then your restricted time to write will go away.

mellowlee said...

So glad you found a decent cyber cafe Gled! As for the guy who took a more active role in web porn viewing...EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!

Thanks for the tag earlier *HUGS* :O)

Nicole said...

Vincent and I had to use an internet cafe on our visit to London once and it was such an awful place. It was around the corner of The Strand and everything inside was shabby and crap and the people hardly spoke English and it was dirty and everything seemed covered in a thin layer of grease.

Alexys Fairfield said...

Hey Gleds,
Thanks for the love. I feel it.

Cool music.

Brw, don't forget to change your links from my old site to the new one
www.soulmeetsworlds.com

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

That guy—the “boss-man at the internet café”—needs to change professions. Obviously he lacks the skills to work with people.

Thanks for the videos!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Sometimes a forced change (like a new cybercafe) can be a very positive thing...as you've found out. Can't wait to see those memoirs on the bookshelves...then I can say, Hey, I know the guy who wrote that...well, sort of.

As for my herbs...yep, they're coming along nicely, thank you. We've had quite a bit of rain and, apart from the lavender and rosemary, the others are soaking up the water...so to speak.

Keep on with the memoirs...good writing!

Deb said...

Macbooks can do all that stuff gled.

I think some people are just happy to be miserable. I have a very low tolerance for bad mannered people who talk down to others. If I were there, I'd probably end up giving him a good piece of my mind (I have to work on keeping my mouth shut)

Anonymous said...

Had a furtive odd guy with a hole in his briefcase sit next to me on a bus once and I loudly demanded "Why do you do this?" in a non foreign way and demanded for HIM to move seats - so I'm different from your boss-man from old internet café. We should get along ;)

Emperor Ropi said...

hmm now I can't think to foods

Nessa said...

It's often hard to see it at the time, but good does eventually come from most things. Keep writing.

lettuce said...

homemade lemonade is pretty easy peasey (easy peasey lemon squeezy in fact)
metaphorical lemonade, not so easy.

glad the autobiographical stuff is coming on well tho.

Bimbimbie said...

|You|always find the most amazing mices ... those pygmy African ones are well, tiny.

Pleased you have found nicer surroundings to travel into the blogsphere.

When I saw all the ||||||||||||||||
I wondered if LS Lowry was visiting with his matchstick men. *!*

Gledwood said...

TutTut: I haven't got any means of PAYING on ebay... unless I get one of them prepayment computer internet card things

also... what am I saying... I haven't got the money anyway...

Mellowlee: thanks I'm better off here than there I passed snottystein on the street I was talking to Laundretta with her foot-long eyelashes on... I wonder if he is her "customer" wouldn't surprise me at all

Nicole: sounds TOO FAMILIAR...!

Alexys F: yeah I will do... asap

Gledwood said...

Saintly: definitely needs to change professions

Puss: thank you ... at least herbs in pots you can ALWAYS water despite whatever drought!

Debs: probably a good thing you're not there he's one of them that does not learn... does not LISTEN so convinced he's superior to the rest of the all-pissing/shitting race...

Anon: o that is really gross!

Gledwood said...

Ropi: think of chicken fried rice... yeah!

Lettuce: homemade lemonade... don't you add bicarb of soda ... which interacts with the citric acid in the lemons causing gratifying FIZZING...!..~?!?

Nessa: yeah you're right thanks... not been great every night my abscess or something makes me too drowsy but I'm doing BETTER THAN BEFORE with memoiring...

Bimbimbie: those were not meant to be matchsticks...but LOVEHEARTS... I reposted them on my post TODAY so you'll see what I mean... if you only see sticks that's something to do with what characters are preloaded into your own computer...

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Glad you found another place to blog from. The other chap doesn't rate a mention. Odd type.
Thanks for your comments and the Hearts. I don't know how to pass them on, so will have to aske my brother.
I laughed at the $800 a year for Mom to marry Dad. Must be a VERY old joke. Or the kid had no idea.
Take care of yourself Gleds, Regards and Hearts, Merle.

Ron Knee said...

World is full of snottystein type. Still, what can do? Is not thing polite to take piss!

Gledwood said...

Merle: oh... OK sorry I didn't get this till about a fortnight AFTER your message so I do apologize Merle... all you do is highlight in blue using the mouse... then ctrl-C to copy them and ctrl-V to drop 'em down wherever you want them...

;->...

Ron Knee: it's not polite to take the piss but sometimes irresistable to take the piss back. I have not given HIM anything worse than a filthy look or two and that was unavoidable. I happened to be looking at him and happen to loathe him ~::~ hence my dirty look!

;->...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood