HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Treats for the Tubby Trotters

I HAD TO THROW OUT THE OLD TEABOX as I thought it was full of mites. The bedding in there was months old and raggedly falling apart. My robbies used to stash their seeds in there and then sleep on top of them some nights. A highly sensible security procedure with those wild sewer-mice roaming so closely nearby...

I have given them a new "granary"... this one's a lightbulb box, taped shut and with holes cut at the front and back top. This I slotted inside a slightly larger box with correspondingly cut openings. This was mostly as a mouse-deterrant as I'm genuinely scared something will sneak in and leave its nasty germs and droppings about the place... I filled the inner box to the brim with Bill Oddie's luxury bourgeois birdseed, plus some "hamster mix" (though the coloured "scones" are too big for my little robos' tiny pouches...), then I added Weetabix and Cheerios breakfast cereals and half a broken up custard cream biscuit. Spherical really liked the scent of this and was frustratedly nibbling away for hours making the entry big enough for her tubby frame!

The righthand picture of the robo on the spoon came from a web-page on some of the world's smallest pets... if you clickonit and scroll down you'll also see the world's smallest Golden (or Syrian: that is a "normal") Hamster. Who looks quite raggedy but is apparently quite healthy despite having stopped growing at only a few weeks of age...

I hope your weekend is going well. I have been in agony with a sore on my leg which I will have to take to hospital if it gets no better. I have to sleep with my leg up and bent and it can't touch against anything else I would say "yaroo!" and hit the ceiling!

Have a cheery weekend (what remains)... it has been minus five degrees (C) here in the Big Smoke...

... and how's things at your end..?

15 comments:

TOM said...

Sorry to hear that you are hurting...at least you won't go to the poor house with doctors bills!! Ye ol Natl Healthcare...I agree that is a great song from Amy W. and the Sexy Whites commercial is hilarious...I've had a good weekend..no maladies, rather lazy and catching up with my blogroll!!

Cheers

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Taking care of your little friends is much more complex that the care I give Alex the cat.

I hope you leg heals soon.

Bimbimbie said...

I always looked forward to seeing the Clangers on the tele and quietly hoped they really did live out there somewhere enjoying their cheese. Hope you get your leg looked at, it sounds painful. Showery sunshine in between rain here *!*

Janice said...

Hi Gled,

We have a three day weekend, it's presidents day here in the states. But my hubby and my daughter both have the flu, and are not feel well.

Janice~

Deb said...

I can empathize with the sleeping uncomfortably...my tooth's been giving me some problems and it radiates into my jaw, ear, head, etc. Always at night it seems!

You sure take good care of your little guys....they're lucky to have you.

It was GORGEOUS here this weekend...clear blue sky and sunshine. Cold though. Went to the track today (harness racing)...actually came home with more $$ than I went with so that was a nice change. A 16-1 came in for me!

Gledwood said...

Tom: Glad you're OK... yeah God bless the NHS one of Britain's last remnants of Greatness! ;->...

Saintly: The Tubbies are hiding behind the excess pile up of newspaper... a naturally formed "burrow" at the moment... little swines! ;->...

Bimbimbie: I have to get antibiotics and DO have to get antibiotics this time it's double the size of the palm of my hand and blistering purple etc an ordinary nonjunkie person would be horrified (I spose)... but hey... glad you're at least getting some showers Australia seems to have had the WORST drought in centuries... ;->...

Janice: Presidents' Day? Never HEARD of that... hope your family get better soon and you don't go down with the darn lurgy ;->...

Debs: Came home with more $$$s than you went out with... without visiting cashpoint or bank or it not being payday... that IS a result Debs! I hope my robos do appreciate me. They don't realize the scary hand that rips off the water bottle with a loud roar of sellotape is refilling that bottle... and don't understand the hand that tries to pick up Spherical to tame her is the same hand that feeds her! Ho-humm... I know how God felt leading the ancient Israelites out of Egypt through the wilderness now... totally underappreciated and misunderstood! ;->... Your weekend sounds "Alpine"...

M- Filer said...

Minus 5 degrees? 67 degrees on this end...thankfully! Sorry to hear about your leg.

Gledwood said...

hey I think we might be mixing f and c it's minus five CELCIUS here!!

is that really you on that pic?

or ~ hey! ~ I bet you probably pointed fully out... it's your Dad, yeah?

or who is it?

please tell!! ;->...

Gledwood said...

DEBS:~ duh! I'm so sorry I omitted to wish these heartfelt feelins to you:~ I hope that bloody awful TOOTH has got better by now!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood