HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, February 15, 2008

Dodgy Gear: Explanation ;->...


OK: I'M SORRY I didn't realize you didn't all understand what I was rattling on about re "barbiturated" gear etc...

BARBITURATES were the heavy sleeping pills liberally prescribed by family doctors in the 1950s, 60s, 70s, to "bored" (or more to the point pained, depressed, cheated-on) housewives. They usually came as capsules: Seconal secobarbital/quinalbarbitone 50/100mg (red) Amytal (amylobarbital/amilobaritone) similar dosages (blue capsule) and "Tuinal" (red/blue: as illustrated yesterday) = a mixture of Seconal and Amytal. Read Jacqueline Susann's Valley of the Dolls ("dolls as in "barbie dolls" (barbiturates) for the best explanation...)

In the 1980s, SouthEast Asian heroin (ie Burmese) was regularly "cut" with "methaqualone" ("quaaludes"/"mandrax": illustrated left). Methadqualone is a non-benzodiazepine/nonbarbiturate "hypnotic" (sleeping medication) which, if obtained in pharmaceutical concentration (ie 100% pure) would make a highly effective cut to the white Burmese heroin, augmenting heroin's natural drowsiness yet saving the top-end dealers money as illicitly manufactured methaqualone (quaaludes) are far cheaper mg per mg than high grade heroin.

In order to cut high grade heroin with barbs/methaqualone/benzos it would be necessary to add 20mg-100mg NEAT drug into the heroin. This is simply not economical unless one has access to the 100% unadulterated pharmaceutical supply ...

Afghan brown heroin has, from time to time been adulterated with benzodiazepines (temazeam, diazepam, alprazolam, medazepam, oxazepam... etc) in pure form (ie diverted from the factory) or barbiturates (as described above) there is little point tipping barbiturate capsules into street heroin as one capsule contains 0.4-0.5g powder, of which 0.05g to 0.1g is pure barbiturate. Anyone "cutting" the gear with barbs, methaqualone/quaaludes or benzos must have a 100% pure source of pharmaceutical grade drugs:~ (probably diverted direct from the factory: somewhere in Asia or Africa)

Of course different junkies take different doses: but the typical "shot of heroin" in this country would be about a fifth of a gram (ie 0.2g or 200mg) some take a little less... maybe as little as half the above ie 0.1g or 100mg...

My point being that if one is going to cut heroin with barbiturates, quaaludes or benzos, in a typical heroin shot of 150mg to 250mg (250mg = a quarter gram) if you're going to adulterate the heroin with other drowsy drugs or sleeping pills those drugs must be pharmaceutical grade and 100% pure. For example temazepam is only effective in doses of 20-50mg, diazepam (Valium) likewise needs at least 20mg to have any effect on a hardened junkie. If top end dealers are going to cut their heroin with such drugs they need a pharmaceutical grade near 100% pure supply to do so...

My ordinary dealer wasn't on the other day, shoving me into the hands of my not even 2nd, 3rd, 4th but 5th choice dealer. I call him "Diarrhoea"... it pretty much sums him up. I took the merchandise. His gear seemed OK. Only I felt a little more wuzzy than usual.

Hobbled zigzagging down the street this-a-way and that... ran straight (almost slap-bang) into THEE shoplifter of the decade (remember I described him previously)... he pointed out that I LOOKED as I FELT:~ ie ALL OVER THE PLACE! SOMETHING in this heroin was seriously compromising my ability to negotiate the pavement and every aspect of the streets...

We all know the phenomenon: "I'm not drunk!" when we are.

Well I knew, I FELT I was all over the place.

I've had comments back "how can you function on heroin" (implication being: "it is the strongest drug"...)

yes: heroin is the strongest drug, but as a user you gain such rapid tolerance you may hardly well be taking it....

So a couple of days ago, when I DID have my drug worker appointment I politely requested a total drugs screen: of benzo(diazepines) barb(iturates) etc etc... if anything DOES come up I shall let yous all know...

as it is... whatever it was had me literally virtually CRASHING INTO LAMP-POSTS ... I'd love to know what it was...

... if and when the mystery is EVER SOLVED.... I SHALL TELL YOU!! ;->...


Videos:
Madonna: Hung Up
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12 comments:

Audrey said...

It will be interesting to find out what was in it Gleds. Hope your okay/ from one of those pained, depressed, cheated on as described whos walking into lamposts through lack of sleep, perhaps the barbs are more fun who knows....Take care Auds xxx Have a good weekend

Akelamalu said...

Dear God Gleds you do take some chances.

Eileen said...

Wasn't "Right Said Fred" originally a British kids show. You guys have some f'd up children's shows over there....like watching life stroll by while you are on acid and wink at you. Not that I would know what that is like but whatevs...

Eileen said...

Wasn't "Right Said Fred" originally a British kids show. You guys have some f'd up children's shows over there....like watching life stroll by while you are on acid and wink at you. Not that I would know what that is like but whatevs...

Anonymous said...

I'm pleased to read you made it to have drug screens and take it easy!

Deb said...

scary stuff gled. I mean, sure, they should be cutting it with pure, pharmaceutical grade stuff but you're at their mercy and they could do anything in desperation.

Nag alert:

Please be careful. You're too special to lose.

;)

Arjan said...

that's a lot of info I didn't knew yet. I stay of anything stronger than the 'Dutch' at our coffeeshops.

Thank god you didn't stumble into the street in front of a bus or something..
I won't tell you to stay off the stuff, but be careful.

Whitenoise said...

scary

Gledwood said...

Audrey: Thanks I WANTED to sleep all day but got WOKEN up by calls from people, telesales from dealers (at least my old one who is sort of my friend is back on...) and so on and so on... and hey doesn't that white doggie look just like jumpin' Baby Itchy..!

Akelamalu: Hmmm I know. Should get the test results back in 2 weeks I'm seriously intrigued as to what's in that stuff... bc I've taken no Valium or anything if it comes up benzodiazepines then I KNOW it was in the gear... likewise barbiturates... NOBODY takes those now except some very old ladies who've been on them for years... the mystery shall soon be solved...

Eileen: Right Said Fred? No always a band... tho you're right about trippy Brit TV... who else would have made The Magic Roundabout (where I went on one of my first ketamine trips)... or The CLANGERS that was my alltime favourite as a tiny tubby tot...

Anon: I'm really intrigued as to what that drug screen will show up... ;->...

Gledwood said...

Debs:... I see what you mean but that wasn't my main point. I meant people assume the dealers are emptying pharmaceutical capsules into the drugs supply... this wouldn't work as mg for mg the resulting mix would be too weak... also some idiot dealers have tried "cutting" gear with valium pills... not realizing you cannot inject valium bc it's got special mushy stuff in it... also you'd need to inject at least one x10mg pill which weighs about 200mg which is as much street heroin as most junkies inject anyhow... oh blah blah sorry I was blithering this all yesterday anyhow I hope nobody has DIED... (of boredom)...

Arjan: Stumble in front of a bus... no I wasn't THAT bad but pretty all over the place.. weaving, meandering etc, though!

Whitenoise: One day it will all be just a scary memory. I promise you... ;->...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood