HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, March 07, 2008

Crossing the Water

I HAVE ITCHY FEET. Telling me to get the hell out of here. To clean up, ship out, escape... to give you a clue where, the above illustrations represent: top~ Berlin Hauptbahnhof (their new Grand Central railway station) left~ La Défense (Paris's office building that echoes the Arc de Triomphe (and is further along, if you fly off the end of the Champs Elysées) right~ Berliner Reichstag (German national parliament building, including whizzy glass dome installed by Sir Norman Foster)...

(And the very top two: surely you know!)

Yes I actually want to be an immigrant.
And there are two versions of my fantasy: the metropolitan fantasy ~ which is trundle off to Paris or Berlin and set down there.

Or the village fantasy: living in a French or German version of the Archers (Radio 4's "everyday story of countryfolk")... I'm not too sure about the latter as bountiful as the countryside is (central France was amazing: like Britain crossed with Mediterranean weather ~ crickets singing all night, glow-worms in the bushes, giant hornets (yuck!) and luminous green frogs in the river... the weather was a lot more tolerable (and the thunderstorms more spectacular)... I seemed to live on French bread (OK well it wouldn't have been English bread, would it?), soft cheeses and red plonk for three weeks... quite wonderful.

I won't spend ages and ages trying to justify my decision. Just bear in mind I do speak French and German to a stunted degree... in that I did A Levels in both, but a year in either country and I actually would be fluent. Being a stranger in a strange land, so I have found is far less lonely than uprooting in one's own country, where you could wander like a shadow and nobody would talk to you... soon as people realized I was English (soon as I opened my mouth in other words even though I WAS attempting my best accent) half the village were saying hello whenever I passed by. Also I thrive on novelty and I mean it when I say there really is NOWHERE else I think I could possibly tolerate in this green and pleasant land except for London, where of course I already am... London full of drugs.

Yes drugs are everywhere: but I am not the type to travel in search of pharmacalogical pastures new. My using is geographically ultra-conservative. I don't trust people I don't know. Don't take chances. Stick to old friends, old dealers, old haunts... crossing the water means looking at the finish-line not the hurdles:~

Crossing the water is for life anew; not a refusing-to-die abscess-ridden limping-on still-addicted foreign-flavoured continuation of the old one!

I would not even consider going unless I were well and truly CLEAN!

*

OK: I tried 77WABC again (what IS the 77? There is no frequency 77 on long, medium, shortwave or FM: and digital doesn't use frequencies...)... every presenter seems to be a more intelligent version of Rush Limbaugh (surely Limbaugh is the thickest...) I tried ANOTHER email to Curtis Sliwa on his breakfast show (it was mid afternoon here)... in reply to his ranting over how grainy the CCTV pix of that Times Square attempted bombing turned out and how much more precisely the British 7/7 bombers were captured on camera:



Hi Curtis: London calling. {My standard hackneyed international greeting...} I'm listening online.

Here in the UK we have more security cameras by a long way than anywhere else on earth... about 4million of 'em. The average citizen gets filmed x300 a day... though we sometimes feel this a bit of an intrusion on our liberties, you're quite right: when murder, carnage and major events do happen, the police collect not only publically filmed images but stuff from shops, businesses, etc (literally cameras are everywhere here!) and it has got loads of baddies busted.

Great show!

{then, ten mins later; my ps}

(further to my previous message)

ps it's past 3:30pm here... don't be behind times with your security as well. Yes our images probably are better than yours because CCTV has long been a regular part of life here and we have special digital enhancement technology. That's why you see the terrorists' zits!

07 March 2008 15:37

23 comments:

Patti said...

I have often entertained the fantasy of just "picking up and going" but now that I have a daughter - not so much.

Gledwood said...

Where would you go? If I were American, New York City would be my prime location absolutely NO doubt! I only came up with Europe (well "only"..?) because as I said the languages, also being an EU citizen I get an automatic visa to stay pretty much indefinitely which is most convenient!

Bimbimbie said...

hi gleds, a few moons have passed since I looked in on you and I've lots of catching up to do. I just had a quick look through to find news about your leg, glad it's finally getting better after all that bandage sticking drama you went through. I wonder what that Rush Limbaugh and his assistants make of your emails LOL.... I'm with you on on your feelings about Hillary - even if it's a shared ticket with Obama it's got to be better for the world than another Bush. Smiles *!*

Gledwood said...

Oh those dreadful Republicans... I actually agree with some of their policies but their bigottedness puts me right off (e.g. I'm pro death penalty as pro mercy. I think it is KIND to put people down not severe... I'm bemused that NOBODY seems to share this view... well whatever...) as for Obama I've no idea WHAT he stands for but it's meant to be fairly close to Hillary... what a crying, weeping CARPET-GNAWING shame that HE has to come along and RUBBISH her chances JUST when we thought we'd get a funky lady president and an ungentlemanly "first ladyboy" as I like to put it ... I mean really... come ON you Americans get that dreadful Obama OUT. Get HILLARY IN for EIGHT STRAIGHT YEARS (unless you can change the constitution to keep her in for 28..!)

Nicole said...

How I loved this post! Some of my favourite places you showed! The Eiffel Tower is such a pretty thing when seen for real and the Berlin Hauptbahnhof is indeed a fantastic building. I was impressed there too. Paris is possibly my favourite city that I've visited so far, however, I must add that Venice is a close second. Berlin was good to see, but I wouldn't ever wish to live there and London (I'm sorry), I did not like at all, but I could have just been certain circumstances and I may perhaps give it another shot some time in the future.

Between Germany and France, I would pick France.

Nicole said...

I meant IT could have been certain circumstances... sorry, spelling correction.

Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed your American Pika movie and hope they have somewhere new to go so as to survive! It's true if you got up and left Gledwood, survival is the priority. What about your fury family, would they suvive travelling such a great distance? I've upped and gone but only country/city moves within Australia. Did much travelling overseas when young but never England.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Hope you are doing well. Glad the leg seems to be healing at last. Sounds like you have itchy feet and would like to move around a bit. Another reason to get clean.
Glad you liked the Chinese Proverb about Doctors. It was a good one.
Take great care, Regards, Merle.

Akelamalu said...

A new life abroad - what an incentive to get CLEAN Gleds! Do it honey, do it NOW, you can you know!

CrystalChick said...

Isn't it interesting that I live 2 hours from New York but have no desire to spend time there. I've been on occasion but it's not interesting to us. IMO, Philadelphia is more appealing, but not to live... just to visit for the history/culture.
I would love to travel in Europe. Can't say I would want to live there, but soooo many places I would visit if I could. Our next vaca will probably be stateside as it's probably unaffordable overseas.

The election here is going to be very interesting. Both Hillary and Barack have needed a certain amount of each other to discuss issues and prove their cases. It's all distracting too. And those who REALLY have the power would have it no other way. Do you think that a man like our current Prez is strong, experienced, and intelligent enough to have been in this job so long if it really were just him in power. World bank, money people, very private organizations, etc. control more of our lives than anyone probably thinks. And as long as most people are able to trudge along thru their semi-enjoyable lives driving overpriced gas in obnoxious SUVs and getting little Bunny and Tad to dance and soccer practice.... people don't get involved for the most part.
But don't get me started on all THAT.....

Hope you heal enough and get to a place in your life that you can go and do all you want. I'll read you whether you're blogging from France or Germany or London. :)
Happy weekend!

Calfkeeper said...

About cows...we have one Rosie, one Petals and one Violet...all registered names. No Daisy, I am afraid, must be that gulf.

I was going to comment on this post but ran out of time. Get clean and run, run, run to another country, live another life. I would. I have been to Mexico for 5 weeks one summer and Malaysia for two weeks. Given half a chance I would go back to Malaysia and live for a year or two. Wonderful people, beautiful country. But it won't happen for me.

Make it happen for you, my friend. Make it happen for you.

TOM said...

I constantly about a road trip, moving from one place to another here in the states working long enough at anything just to move on to the next place.

I don't like cameras but they do serve a purpose...here the politicians don't want to be filmed fucking the common man over!!

Tea & Margaritas in My Garden said...

I can`t see your movie, but I`ve never heard of those animals before. Your babies are so cute!
If you think it looks like we have a lot of snow from that pic, wait till you see how deep it is now. It`s non stop historical record breaking snowing all across our province and those chairs at the moment have about an inch left of the tops before they disappear totally. Hopefully I can squeeze enough battery power from my camera to take a pic tomorrow morning.

tea
xo

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. You sound like a Parisian sort of man to me!

Anonymous said...

Hope your weekend was well :)

Gledwood said...

Nicole: you definitely saw the worst of London by the sounds of it... Germany is a mystery to me since despite lernen Deutsch zu sprechen I still have NOT even been there!

Anon: furries you can TAKE to Europe you just can't bring 'em FROM Europe without going through crappy British antirabies quarantine laws (yet bats FLY across the channel bringing in rabies... what scandal!)

Merle: thanks!... no way can I stay here

Akelamalu: oh I can't die here in London or get incinerated under the atom bomb...

Gledwood said...

Crystal: Philadelphia is a mystery to me... I know it is named after a town in Greece?/Turkey of ancient times... no New York? wow it is one of 3 cities I've always wanted to see. the other 2 being Tokyo and Berlin...

Calf: Malaysia... wouldn't DARE play about there you get hanged for drugs!

Tom: caemras: yeah they do serve a purpose but I hate being scrutinized by so very very VERY MANY of 'em!

Tea&Margaritas: all that snow: bloody hell you must be FREEZING!

Gledwood said...

Welshcakes: I would probably never wanna come back: fed up of down at heel rubbish strewn London...

Anon: OK apart from hamsters swimming in washing water...

Emperor Ropi said...

I have fear of height so I hated the Eifel Tower.

Liz said...

Husband would be happy to live on french bread, cheese and wine too. Me too except with grapes instead of wine. And bananas. And Frosties.

Gledwood said...

Ropi: I never went up top as was on such a tight budget I "couldn't afford" the £2, 3 Euros, $4 or whatever to get to top on the lift (isn't there an elevator right up there..?)... thanks for getting in touch again how are you these days..??

Liz: French food rocks!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood