HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Furry Sunday

HAVE A CHARMING, FURRY SUNDAY EVERYONE.... that's fur as in little furry animals not as in rotten old mould... the picture to the left shows a pet pika (sitting on the same green spiral "staircase" of the same Habitrail cage my Chinese hammy Pingpong has... it will quickly outgrow that!)... And to the right a wild pika having a squeak outside its rocky abode...

... and top: a tiny roborovski so you can see why I coo into Itchy's ear "you look just like a pika!" among the reams of other rubbish I spout at her. (Well she does look a bit like one!)

Today I caught her trotting on the wheel and picked it up. She clambered about my hand trying not to look disappointed, upset and impatient to just scuttle off and be left alone. I shoved her into the seedery (the "teabox") and within a second her furry face appeared next to the Weetabix. Out she popped and I shoved her back in. There she was again looking all furry by the breakfast cereals. Then Bashful appeared looking all tubby and harvesty (they actually smell of harvest-time too)... she chased my fingers about, seizing her moment to bite when Itchy went pinging across the newspaper so Bashful panicked too and their tubby bums were struggling against the corner entrance to their "secret burrow"... where they ping away in peace...

OK I must admit I posted the above paragraph yesterday, before I spent nearly all day wallowing in bed in a pit of despondency. Then when I did emerge outside the thought hit me powerfully: I've been here too long. Time to move on...

(Give it another five years and perhaps I'll get round to it...)

I wished my Mum happy Mother's Day... she said she has an allergy and is covered in blisters... who does THAT sound like..?

My time now is up; so:~

See yous all tomorrow...

***

PS a personal message/plea to MALLORY
Many thanks for your comment.
I'm pretty sure I managed to reply ONCE at yours but now I'm having great troubles leaving any message at yours...
So I'm having to say HI here... please tell how/where or leave the link for how I DO communicate with you chez toi... your blog is quite something!

Blog pixx of the day:
Guildwood Gardens
Fantastic Alpine-Fresh Airiness...

15 comments:

tut-tut said...

Goodness; I had to look up the fact that Mother's Day in Britain occurs during Lent. Not so here.

Have a bracing Monday!

CrystalChick said...

We celebrate Mother's Day in May here.
My son breaks out in a whole body rash if he has anything with almonds.
Blisters,
could be so many things... contact dermatitis, eczema, staph, drug allergy, shingles, etc.
Hope she's well soon.

..................... said...

your pets are really cute..:)

foam

Little Lamb said...

Those hamsters are adorable.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Gleds...those little critters of yours are so cute, but what are those others?

Hope the blues have left and things are brighter for you today.

Take care.

Nicole said...

Thanks for scaring us about forgetting Mother's Day!!! LOL!

Gledwood said...


Tut-Tut: No! British Mother's Day comes about 6 weeks in advance of Mother's Day nearly everywhere else!!

Crystal: ALMONDS? I shall have to remember that. My Mum said she's practically had to stop eating in order to discover WHAT might be wrong. I shall have to tell her the best way I know of isolating intolerances is to put the stuff under a labelled plaster, scratch the skin with a pin and where it blows up massively red big time THAT is your allergy/intolerance...

.....(dots)....: don't you have a proper name? ooo! yeah they're lovely and harvesty and smell really beautiful too, like I said. I love my robbies

Gledwood said...


Little Lamb: oh they're lovely. VERY wriggly when I pick up Spherical (she hates it but I've learned how to hold her firmly without squeezing and she cannot writhe out of my grip!)... yeah Roborovskis. You oughtta get some! They're the most gorgeous small rodents you can get. But not the tamest and not suitable for small kids.

Puss-in-Boots: the other ones are "pikas"... they live in the mountains and rocks especially in America. I first came across them from Molson's hiking blog (look under blogs USA in my links) there are loads of them there. Though they look like hamsters they're rabbit-sized. As I said that first cage the tiny baby pika was in is FAR too small. An adult would barely fit in the cage at all... Roborovskis come from Outer Mongolia where you also get pikas. The robos, apparently, live AMONG the pikas sharing their burrows... but a robbie is TINY compared to a pika (who picks poisonous flowers, lets them dry out when they lose their toxicity and feasts on these all winter) and robbies hoard VAST amounts of seeds and grain for themselves. The pikas would not be able to get at this without severely excavating as the robbies are so tiny and so would stash the seeds well behind the inconvenient rocks...

Nicole: sorry darling no the British Mother's Day is about six weeks ahead of Mother's Day everywhere else (as I said above)... but I was heartily confused last year to read about 2000 random blogs on a hop all about American/Australian/other Mother's Day when ours had been and gone... most confusing... it's a bit like "ground floor; first floor" in America that would be "first floor; second floor"...

guild-rez said...

Hello greetings from Guildwood Canada..than kyou very much for messages on my blog.
To answer your questions..
I live east of Toronto, Canada ..
The snow pictures are from Grey Abbey Park. The park is located only five minutes from our house and overlooks Lake Ontario.
Nordic Walking is an excellent sport for your whole body. Try it and you'll never walk without your poles.

Akelamalu said...

They are so cute!

Hope your Mum has been to see a doctor - it could be any number of things.

I don't think your surroundings contribute anything to your wellbeing Gleds. :(

zen wizard said...

English Mother's Day is different than American Mother's Day!

Geez, you had me shittin' bricks there for a minute. I thought I forgot.

M- Filer said...

I have been searching for an email link but there is not one so...I'll ask it here. I want to promote your excellent read, insblog on my page. I am going to give my honest opinions about it, as I see it. It will go something like this,
"ight into a world that few are writing about, feels as though it is written during another time and place, like during the blitz, dictated from a bomb beaten building, yet the topics are of a more immediate nature, hamsters, the colorful junkie down the hall, the latest score...and l i t u a t u r e. Really bad graphics that only add to this timeless feel, and a dizzyingly cluttered page"

This is how I will do it if I do it. If you approve or don't approve, just let me know by commenting on an old post, that most would never read.That way I don't have to publish my private email address here.
Thanks.

Gledwood said...

Guild: Guildwood to Gledwood ~::~ excellent stuff!!

Akelamalu: my surroundings are dogshit. My Mum's had all manner of tests at least SHE takes care of herself (unlike Mother Hubbs... and... who? else? can? you? think? of? who? doesn't..??~?..??

ZenWizz: only different in date, surely? I know the entire rest of the English-speaking world seems to keep it about 6 weeks later, that really did my head in last year

MFiler: o no that is brilliant. Hey I only got this message today which is Monday 10 March 2008 hey hang on I have to get in touch with you now or you'll think I'm avoiding you

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood