HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Trotters' TV/Hillary yeah-yeah-yeah!

I SNAPPED MYSELF OUT OF my nightly tailspin last night by positioning Itchy, Bashful and Spherical's home (burrow-side first) right before me, to be instantly entertained by their sleepytime hilarity. (I call it sleepytime: typically one is scratching furiously at the glass floor, as if this will magically enlarge their newspaper-fold "burrow", another is fast asleep but sat bolt upright and the third crawling, living-hat-like atop this one's head in a bid to get out for a trot on the wheel. When I disturbed them earlier by pulling the blanket off their home two tubbies were trotting rapidly on the wheel... and the third ('most certainly poor light Baby Itchy) was flashing round and round and round her Daz-white undercarriage as she clung onto the wire wheel for dear life, the heavier trotters thundering obliviously onwards as she exhibited this dizzying robo-fortitude...

Yes the most horrible thoughts go through my head nightly nowadays... I was going to post them but thought I would save you the silt-stirring mud-kicking of a disturbed subconscious...

What I will tell you is my dream. It seems sick at first hearing, surely; but was actually heavily symbolic... I mean, if I tell you I dreamed I was squeezing my own mother's breast would you think that sick?... Nothing "sexual" about this... And bear in mind that she had breast cancer little more than a year ago; I've had these pussing "wounds" that I've squeezed the poison out of. (I disagree with my drugs worker that squeezing the huge wet-scabbed lump on my arm was of little use: genuinely within 2 days of my kneeding at the lump (which I'd previously left alone) it went down, which shows that I must have squeezed the poison up and out.) So by squeezing this breast I was ridding her of illness... which is an obvious wish-fulfilment... OK, still seems weird I grant you, but do you get how the subconscious goes in circles, that a plain "weird" dream has a genuine meaning behind it? I woke up straight away thinking what was that about? ~ and the above answer came directly to mind. The most instant interpretations tend to be the truest interpretations of dreams, so I've found...

And on the subject of oddness: no that was NOT my leg pictured yesterday. As if! My legs are far bulkier than that. The hairs would NOT look good under stockings. And I've never worn a stilletto in my life (would probably fall off; that's if they could find my gargantuan size...)

That dreadful Rush Limbaugh FAILED to read my email in the TWO HOURS I dutifully tuned into his boresome show. Honestly. For the first HOUR the guy just prattled out his unoriginal opinions. Then he let a few callers on who proudly proclaimed stuff like: "I'm from Texas and I'm a conservative," as if that would impress anyone (are people honestly that insecure in their political views that they need to endure an endlessly bigotted show like this patting them on the back "there there; you're not alone, there ARE others who think like you..."...? I mean..? This Rush Limbo-Dancer whatever he calls himself was declaring Hilary and Obama will end up on a joint ticket (as long as Obama's for VICE-president to let experienced Hillary do the real work that sounds brilliant to me) he said this will shoot the Democrats in the foot. How, why, wherefore he did not venture to explain. The guy's not even articulate... what on earth he's doing on national radio I really do not know. Can anyone enlighten me? Please...??!?

... Poor Hillary is still one hundred or so what-jer-mer-call-it nomination votes behind Obama... OK I have nothing against the guy but what does he stand for? Except for being a charismatic rather circuitous public speaker? Who glitters wondrously forth on the American dream and all that's good as mother's apple pie. But what about the economy? What about foreign powers who want to deny America their oil?

OK I admit I DO relish the prospect of Bill Clinton hosting First Lady coffee mornings for skeletal couture-outfitted 80-year old billionaires' wives socialites (isn't that what first ladies traditionally do?) or playing his sax on the Letterman show... well what else is he going to fill his time with... really having lived under a figure as controversial but as able as Margaret Thatcher (and I certainly do NOT agree with perhaps half her policies and actions) I'd love to see what Hillary does or does not do for America.

Well I'd better shut up now... Bimbimbie said I ought to kit out in cheerleader's uniform to chant my Hillary Hillary Hillary praises... what has got hold of me? She's the only candidate in ANY election (including the sappy choice of candidates we get over here) who's ever aroused even the vaguest of political passions from my acheing old bones...

... righto I really had better go I've food shopping to do and bandages to change. Take care everyone!

Video: On the Rocks ~ the American Pika

Blog of the day:
Costa Rica (including bizarre cows...)

19 comments:

molson said...

"and the third ('most certainly poor light Baby Itchy) was flashing round and round and round her Daz-white undercarriage as she clung onto the wire wheel for dear life, the heavier trotters thundering obliviously onwards as she exhibited this dizzying robo-fortitude..."


That little bit made me smile. Good one Gledwood.

Gledwood said...

Good! Seen any wild pikas lately~...??!? ;->...

Patti said...

Gleds my Mother had survived Breast cancer twice. It's a scary thing.
I am definitely for Hillary over Obama. I, too want to see Bill as First Lady. I would vote for Obama in the future though I believe.

Gledwood said...

Yeah Hills should get in first... after all she'll be too decrepit to be pres after 8 years of Obama, whereas he'll just be in long trousers after 8 years of Hillary..(!!)

;->...

zen wizard said...

Obama is an egomaniac and won't accept the job of sitting and listening in the Senate and attending funerals for deceased heads of state.

He felt that the Illinois State Senate was "beneath him."

Herr Clinton in a frilly tea apron with a serving tray is a funny image--but if you want to get scared, do some cursory research into the mind of Michelle Obama and then envision HER as First Lady.

Something tells me that is a harder job than we think it is.

A lot of standing around and kissing ass. And NOT pissing people off is a big part of the First Lady job.

And you have to know the customs of Zimbabwe and how many clicks to make with your tongue when you bow to the ambassador and stuff...

Akelamalu said...

I can see the significance of your dream with what's been happening to you lately.

Anonymous said...

Hhehee, also smiled at that sentence Molten likes :) Haven't dreamt for years ... once my head hits the pillow ZONK! No dreams I can remeber anyway, maybe they are that disturbing (like yours could have been) my mind blanks them! Your interpretation sounds right to me ...

Janice said...

Hi,

Rush Limbaugh is a fat ugly jerk that has been spewing his bigatry and male chauvinism on the air waves for way too long. I don't know how he can even have an audiance. I do know that he has his callers screened, so only brain washed idiots come on the air. He once had a tv talk show, and couldn't handle the stress of a live audiance so it was back to the radio for old Limbaugh. I think he just couldn't handle an audiance that could boo him if they didn't like what he had to say.

Janice~

molson said...

Only pikas I've seen lately Gledwood are on your blog. The real mountains where the pikas roam are over a thousand miles west of me. The little mountains to the east don't have pikas. They do have lots of deer, ground hogs (aka marmots), black bear, etc., etc., and large surly eastern diamondback rattlesnakes. A nasty lot they are.

M- Filer said...

well I love to hear Europeans especially praise my Hillary. It just underscores my point that she will make a superior diplomat on the world stage.

Have you read the moronic ramblings in my comment section today. This Obama freak has lost his marbles.

Gledwood said...

ZenWizz: surely it is better to be queen than 1st lady. If I were royalty I'd shut myself in and live off satellite television, takaway and rollerskating sessions along those long long corridors of Buckingham Palace...

Akelamalu: oh good! so I'm not that sick ... (ooer)

Anon: you know what the boffins say: EVERYONE dreams. But I just believe it's just thinking when you're asleep. Dreaming proper is a vivid technicolour dramatic experience...

Gledwood said...

Janice: oh I'd love to see him gettin' heckled by a crowd of 100,000,000 or so...

Molson: i bet diamondback rattlesnakes eat pikas... yeah that film said they only live between 8000 and 15,000 ft or metres and nothing beyond those extremes...

MFiler: OK I'm comin' by lookin' for them lost marbles...

Calfkeeper said...

I will be your only dissenter here and say that the thought of Hillary in office frightens me...

Wait...the thought of ANY of the politial candidates of either party in office frightens me.

What a mess!

Gledwood said...

Who on earth do you want IN then?...

OK fair enough you have my sympathies as if FORCED to vote in a UK election (no way would I put my name on the electoral roll for one thing: gives my evil creditors a DIRECT clue of where I might be!) I couldn't with any honest heart vote Labour (I mean purLEEZE they used to be nearly SOCIALIST in the 1970s: SOCIALISTS put that whacking great wall up through Europe... Liberal Democrats: give me a break I'd rather eat my trainers/sneakers; Conservative/Tory ugh some of them are SO repellant it's inexplicable.. I'd be seriously torn between Labour and Tory and probably hang myself rather than vote.... many thanks for your message you DO have my sympathies.... take care!...
;->...

Calfkeeper said...

Who would I like to see in office?

A question to make one squirm like a worm on hook. Good one.

Dunno. But in my humble opinion a dairy barnyard and US politics have lots of green stuff in common and it's not money. And no matter who gets into office, I think they will get crapped on in the end.

Liz said...

I had a boil on my side and it had to be squeezed to get all the gunge out of it!

Gledwood said...

Calfkeeper: hmmm politixx is shyte you're right. I still think Obama represents a triumph of style over substance

Liz: you said... how inconvenient... do you know how many mls of pus you got out of it? Would it have filled half an eggshell? Or a shotglass? Or more? Was it green? Raspberry-rippled with blood? Did it smell funky? Did it splurge wonderfully or ooze delightfully? I bet you were glad to get the pus out of your body... it's psychologically good to get boils and abscesses of all types excised..! ;->...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood