HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Memoir Monday

WRITING... my passion all het up got me back to WRITING AGAIN... Yeah! Back to memoirs! (Not an autobiography; a memoir. An autobiography is (supposedly, though most authors pick and mix the truth to a shameful degree (I get the impression) a tale of one's entire life from birth to the point of writing. Mine being a drug memoir races through childhood and adolescence to my first encounter with drugs and yarns the tale from there.) My only departure from "truth" in the strictest sense comes by my renaming all my friends (as I do here: do you really think I know someone called "Laundretta"~??!?) and the necessity to briefen many secondary incidents in the interest of keeping the flow. All this and well over 100 pages handwritten (that has to be at least 25,000 words) and STILL I've not come to heroinsville! The story is "told with warmth and wit": I hope a reviewer will be able to say. And humour. Nobody wants a tale of misery from beginning to end and mine certainly isn't...

I did about TWO WHOLE PAGES last night... slept and was so whacked out I dozed all the way through my favourite radio show: Vanessa's programme on BBC London. Great literature is exhausting!

OK there's little other news. Except that I put in my red fireglow light last night. Within five minutes Bashful, my first gremlin emerged from the lightbulb box where they now sleep. Twenty minutes later saw Itchy make an appearance. Pinging all over the shot (or is it shop?) and gnawing on yellow pepper pumblechooks (y'know: the inside bits with stalk and seeds)... and at longest last Spherical stuck her moose-head outside: plaque-on-wall-style (which always looks hilarious) and lumbered out. Did a wee. Got on wheel and thundered ever onwards throwing the other two roborovskis off in varying directions; occasionally keeping one snaggled on flashing Daz-white undercarriage round and round and round. Spherical, being, well: almost Spherical and twice as heavy as Itchy is top peck. And what Spherical says in roboland GOES!

Happy Confectionary Monday to y'all!

Video: Duck Raids Campsite

30 comments:

zen wizard said...

I would pick up the pace to five pages a day.

Though, as the adage goes, if you write one page a day, by a year you have a 365-page book.

Patti said...

Believe it or not I know a "Laundretta". I know you're jealous! Bwaa haaaa

Akelamalu said...

You mean there is no-one called Laundretta? ;)

tut-tut said...

I'm very impressed with your progress and intention.

Deb said...

I liked the duck video. We were camping once when, in the middle of the night, I heard a big commotion. I peeked out of the tent to see a raccoon, prying apart my tupperware containers in an effort to get at the contents. I learned that raccoons can get a little nasty.

Good work on the memoirs gled...keep at it. I'll be the first to buy a copy.

Gledwood said...

ZENWIZZ: 5 pages is I think the most I have done on my present volume... probably 10 pages the most on volumes past! I get what you're saying tho: good advice; ta!

PATTI: you are KIDDING me... you know a female human being named LAUNDRETTA..? Where? & who IS she???...???!!?? C'mon DO TELL!!! ;->...

AKELAMALU: no! except Patti says she does know one! I'd love to know who...!!

TUTTUT: cheers!!!

DEBS: my tubberovskis look a bit like raccoons: faces not black marked out in white but dunn and white... yeah: pretty raccoonish. or gremlinish; as you wish¬!!!

Emperor Ropi said...

writing can be relaxing

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Each time I saw a duck at a campsite...we called it dinner. hehehe.

I liked the C'est La Vie song. I've heard it before. it's cool.

Nice blog.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Gledwood...what's confectionary Monday? Is it a holiday?

ciao babes.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Ciao, Gleds and happy-what-remains-of-Easter. I'm sure a publisher will discover your memoir soon!

Cléa said...

Well done on the writing! If you can use it as a motivator, or even keep a record of the word count, you might find it very encouraging. I'm trying to do the same, though I'm writing fiction.

Gledwood said...

Ropi: definitely!

SZJ: that C'est La Vie song sounds so European to me I was surprised everyone who mentioned it comes from America!

No Confectionary Monday... well yes! It's Easter Monday... I was only referring to the Easter Eggs... but cannot remember what day you're meant to unwrap and scoff 'em down on... maybe it's Confectionary Sunday...

Welshcakes: cheers! & I hope so!!

Clea: ta! I used to do that but then the word count became a little oppressive: something to try and beat. The best I've ever done is about 5000 in a day but usually I'd do about 500 these days I expect ~!! Good luck with the nov!

Nicole said...

Sounds like a grand idea for a book so far! You must keep writing about it and talking to everyone about your writing. Someone is bound to pick it up and publish it for you.

jim dandy said...

Loving the Specials. It reminds me of another time when Ska influenced music was fresh to me. I have to get some Specials now so I can indulge myself in that feeling again. Thanx!

Gledwood said...

Nicole: certainly bloody hope so!

Jim: I never knew what ska really was till someone told me that record was it (sad but true: boo-hoo!)

Patti said...

Back again and no Tuesday post yet. I'll check later Toodles!

daffy said...

Writing spurts come and go don't they...
I love finding out about these hamster antics. I have one, (a hamster ;o)Bruce, named after The Boss and he is a bit too fat to hit the wheel with any well-meaning spirit!
Ok, to the music...
The Specials got to Number one for 3 weeks in 1981. I can remember those 2 Tone vynals! I seem to remember it was a song that perfectly reflected that period of time. The riots were raging in Britain if you remember.
Reading about Laundretta made me remember the Lambrrettas... Poison Ivy! You've taken me down memory lane!

CrystalChick said...

Just as it is taking time to get out of heroinsville, it took time getting there, and that part is very important.
I just love the word ... 'memoir'...

Keep at it!

zen wizard said...

Set a goal for yourself, and then give yourself a reward after you reach the goal.

Like, rent a porn DVD with Jesse Jane in it and don't let yourself watch it until you do five pages.

(Caveat--all this "great advice" comes from a failed novelist.)

zen wizard said...

Set a goal for yourself, and then give yourself a reward after you reach the goal.

Like, rent a porn DVD with Jesse Jane in it and don't let yourself watch it until you do five pages.

(Caveat--all this "great advice" comes from a failed novelist.)

zen wizard said...

When you really have bad writer's block, rent a porn DVD with Jesse Jane in it--and then do a hit of Cialis--and THEN don't let yourself watch it until you do five pages.

Before you know it, we will all be watching Oprah disown you on television!

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Ghost Town is about Coventry, ast that point in time.

It still is a dump.
One I have to regularly frequent, because a best mate of mine lives there.

Josie said...

I would love to read your memoir. Somehow I think you have a lot to say.

That duck video is the cutest thing I have ever seen.

Bimbimbie said...

All hail the mighty Spherical unless you want to be a flattie robo. She has class, peeing before she gets on the wheel ...now that shows consideration for the other two ;)

I'm glad the passion has reignited keep that pen flowing gleds *!*

lettuce said...

typical that it snows in london only while i'm away

pah

v. disappointed that Laundretta is not a real name.

Vincent said...

"Except that I put in my red fireglow light last night."

Am I understanding that you actually bought a red lightbulb to spy on your hamsters? Tsk tsk tsk ;-)

Gledwood said...

Crystal: yeah... ta

Patti: hope you had a good 'un

Daffy: yeah you're definitely write (write. dur freudian slip RIGHT bout them spurts)...

Zen: I'll try that advice someday soon as I get a DVD player

Gledwood said...

Ingsoc: Coventry... urkh! Isn't that the Croydon of the Midlands..??

Josie: I'm never too sure about my memoir but am still writing it. Can always finish it and keep it in said "can" for a while...

Bimbimbie: in cartoonland Spherical really would flatten the competition she's a Mighty Trotter!!

Lettuce: snow never bloody settles... the last snow I remember lasting anything like a week was in Norwich circa 1993/1994... and the last LONGtimesettled snow was when I was 9 and going tobogganning down the middle of the road in 1981

Vincent: your tsktsks are right-on I did indeed spie on my robbies!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood