HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Radio Sunday

MOST PEOPLE SPEND SUNDAYS putting up shelves, baking cakes... (OK ladies not cakes: I mean peeling potatoes while the Archers omnibus is on, lighting the oven during Desert Island Discs and sweating away over a hot stove doing ye olde Sunday roast all afternoon... whereas I have made a short and selected (though it seemed to take up best part of an hour) international talk radio guide... really I did it for myself and have Australia's Radio National playing in my ear as I speak (barely past midday here: approaching midnight there. So you can listen to any of these selected stations including the best of the BBC live through your PC simply by clicking your option and selecting "listen live"... except for BBC7 (mostly plays, comedy and audiobook type readings) which asks you to "select player" I use Windows' own player and it works fine on this one...

All that talk of food and I'm hungry... must go! Have a cheery Sunday everyone... unless you're in Australia in which case you'll have 22 minutes left as it's 12:38here meaning it's 11:38pm there (though what timezone he's chatting for I've no idea...) OK must be going... bye!

PS I didn't make airholes in the lollypop jar because (1) the lid was far too thick with binkybonky up-and-down poggled indents in the top in which to stand your lollies for display... I could make holes in the bottom and invert it on them and maybe I will... it's just I realized this will make it useless for the subsequent storing of anything airtight in later days e.g. my spices or something like that well I don't know I have to go my brain feels like a rotten apple core...

PPS: the world's best radio programme in my opinion is Outlook on the BBC world service. If you clickonit you can listen again they always have good stuff on... I think Heather Payton has the friendliest (and Australian-accented, incidentally) voice on the radio...

SONG: Madonna: Who's That Girl...

18 comments:

tut-tut said...

THanks for the links. I listen through the computer all the time, but these add to my options. Happy Sunday!

Emperor Ropi said...

I was learning. I hate it. I will have break soon.

gledwood said...

Tuttut: I only listen to talk radio normally as music, well I get fed up of some playlisted selection I prefer INFORMATION BBC World service is good, also Radio 4 inimitable but v bourgeois

Ropi: Don't get too bored listen to radio instead ;->...

Anonymous said...

HAHAA!!! Radio National is SO much better than those other Aussie stations! BUT don't listen past three in the afternoon Sydney time because thye music is HORRIBLE! The book readings are best ;) We have barbecues on a Sunday afternoon and the men cook! Yawn ... it's bluddy Monday here!

Nicole said...

My favourite Radio programme of all time is Dr. Karl on Triple J!

http://www.triplej.net.au/
people/dr_karl.htm

(You may have to copy and paste that link as whole line.)

Dr. Karl answers all sorts of science questions every Thursday. I usually miss it so I download the Podcast.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Shouldn't you be listening to YOUR station to see if
they use any of your answers etc.
The time is a mystery to me I think we are about 12 hours ahead of you
but no too sure. We go by Eastern Standard Time. whatever that means.
Thanks for your message/ All OK here
except that it is still too hot.
Take care, Very best wishes, Merle.

sally in norfolk said...

Radio DI.FM is best :-)

Gledwood said...

Anon: yeah I couldn't bring self to admit this but I had music (quite good world music but not as good as the stuff they play past 3:30am (local time) on BBC World Service... the best is from Mali and Senegal really funky and not at all "foreign" in spirit or expression... fantastic stuff... still I do generally far prefer "talk" stations as feel that music ends up all too often as a stopgap bc "we've run out of steam on this interview so have a record so I can go out for a fag"... know what I mean... I'm going to persist with that Radio National though... having trouble changing stations and STOPPING it streaming even if I got back to the Windows player & attempted to switch it off...

Nicole: I will try that: excellent. Thanks!

Merle: Oh Merle I would go white and fall over backwards if I heard my nasty own voice booming out of my cheap FM speakers... seriously! They MIGHT have put my "station ident" as they jargonistically like to proclaim between travel and the weather but I couldn't be sure it was me (which was good; it meant I was sounding normal...)

Sally: Di? As in Lady Di..? Diana? Is it a local station?... on DAB or something?... what? Tell me more!!

;->...

HAPPY LISTENIN', EVERYONE!

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sally in norfolk said...

Di.Fm.... Digital imported internet radio

http://www.di.fm/

Gledwood said...

Spam: LCD TV/whatever... I such prefer corned beef to yukky porky old spam. sorry

Sally: hey can you explain how does that work? do you use an internet radio set? what's the point of them over just your pc's speakers? where do you find all the channels? or do you have to go to individual websites e.g. the bbc?... please tell I'm perplexed...

Jack said...

A message from my Slave about Mad Crocs and Englishmen ... BWARK!

http://www.abc.net.au:80/rn/mediareport/stories/2008/2191203.htm

Gidday! Anon is on holiday :)

Gledwood said...

Cheers! Lemme see what THAT's about...

Charlie~Thotti said...

Hi, I came across your page in a search for Heather Payton, I don't think you'd be too happy to know that she and Frederick Dove will not be presenting Outlook anymore, instead a new guy Mathew Bannister is going to do it with Rithula Shah... I wonder why new presenters are coming... I'm feeling really sad...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/outlook/2008/03/080328_matthew_bannister.shtml

http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/outlook/2008/01/080108_trailpage08_outlook.shtml

Anonymous said...

I think Fred Dove is still at the World Service. The W.S. seems to have scrubbed all references to Ms. Payton from the web site. Even the archived versions of Outlook are by Dove, none seem to be by Payton.

Anonymous said...

So whatever happened to Heather Paynton? I heard a rumor She got caught in flagrante, whatever that is.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood