PHONE CALL FROM THE RADIO TODAY offering free red wine if I come in with other prized telephone contributors to go under the mic and testify how wonderful we find the show!!I took the call in full chirping enthusiasm, saying how much I loved the presenter in question etc, not realizing at the time how every statement I made was a tick tick tick (that's a "check" to you Americans) in the mental boxes of "valued contribution-worthy listener"... I was actually being upbeat in case I'd won a million-pound cash prize. Sadly not. but I claimed I was all up for meeting with other listeners, big fat microphones and some of "the team" at such and such a time on WEDNESDAY. Which doesn't give me too much time to fret about which pair of diarrhoea-stained jeans and smelly holey socks I'm going to wear...
My initial reaction was "I CAN'T GO!" Even when I try and clean myself up I look... well I look like what I am. No contact lenses and lgasses on the skew like a walking %percentage%-sign...
Then I thought why NOT? Obviously make the effort but come as you are.
Then I thought HEY ~ hang on, I could apply for a work experience/internship here. I don't know how to explain a TWELVE YEAR GAP in my employment history ~ except by declaring the truth: that years of illness (depression and chronic fatigue syndrome CFS topped with drug addiction) threw me off course.
Maybe I could vanilla it all out, make it all anodyne and acceptable. But then I thought: hang on, talk radio is about human situations. If I'm used to life on the frontline ~ people ill, diseased, abused, uncared-for, insulted and injured and dying ~ and can meet their tales with empathy and warmth, why should I lie on my CV or resume or application?
As a writer of memoirs, I can hardly reveal all in print, yet lie on my CV and on air, can I? In the end, there can only be one truth, and as the (Biblical, I'm pretty sure,) saying goes: Be sure your sins will find you out!
Perhaps I seem a bit glib at times, a little too ready to spout out all about my disgusting injecting heroin habit. But I'm not proud of it at all. I merely made my decision, many moons ago, to be straight with people online and on this blog... otherwise imagine how it might go? Me making friends the world over under totally false pretences... I'd be leading a double life even more than usual.
Like a house of cards, such fragile situations are apt to come tumbling down at the very first sneeze...
In real life, people see me and know that something ~ they may not grasp precisely what ~ but they realize something's up, not right, quite frankly all wrong... Online I might prattle about hamsters, homes, politics, etc: nobody would be any the wiser. And yet friendships might grow, relationships be cherished... and all under totally false pretences.
If I can possibly avoid it, I'm really not one for living out a lie.
OK tangent over.
Back to the radio. What should I do? Do I turn up to this drinks and "recording how brilliant I think the show is" soundbite evening?
And do I apply for this internship? And if so, how do I handle my past?
Please: I need some experienced advice!
Song of the Day:
Captain Sensible: Glad It's All Over
*
21:16hrs COLD FEET!
I'M TOO SCARED TO GO! I DON'T WANT TO SET A BAD IMPRESSION. I don't have nice clothes (really don't)... no confidence at ALL in my appearance. My hair needs cutting. I desperately need (a) contact lenses or (b) a proper pair of glasses that don't need a hat to sit vaguely straight on my head (that's how bashed up my current glasses are ...) I only TOOK to wearing glasses because of rock-bottom self-esteeem (I feel about 10% as good in them as I do in contacts)... it all feels too rushed, too early. The internship/work experience is a totally different issue: I've obviously set a good enough impression on air; I really feel (no exaggeration) that I would destroy this if I admitted who I was in person and I won't meet the producer tomorrow but some other person.
The two issues:
A) recording praise and
B) applying for work experience
are totally separate. The latter is my focus.
You're all sure I should be 100% frank? I could fudge my career "gap" by saying I'd been travelling and working fleamarkets in Goa and Thailand and no-one could prove otherwise; but as I said earlier, I'm writing memoirs that will tell everything. In the long run I don't see any gain from lying (and hate doing it)... my bad experiences might stand me in good stead
aargh I don't know what to do I'm not dying of pressure to turn up tomorrow (it IS just a thing to record listener soundbites that is ALL) I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know aaarghkkkhhh! Maybe I will bring Baby Itchy in my pocket. She can bite me for good luck...
44 comments:
G- I actually just wrote that note to you yesterday. I posted it on an old comment section in the hopes of having a little privacy (as I don't have your direct email address). I was hoping you might reply in the same manner. That's fine though, no problem.
Since I just posted, I probobally wont do it until next week, or possibly later. I'll give ya a heads up though.
Dean
Oh sorry I am a bit SLOW sometimes... I am really shyte at replying to email... I don't need to give you the address now do I?
I don't mind giving it, I just heard that giving it puts me on spam alert from trailing progs who lift emails from blogs etc... if you still want my email just ask it's no hassle at all to give it 2u
I would say show up for the interview.
The gap in the work history I would explain as,
"I was really young and liked to travel a lot. I spent some time in [place you have really been] and, of course, [another place you have really been.] I really have a knack for foreign languages and I felt the best way to learn the language was dive right in and go for total immersion.
Would you like to hear some French?
No?
Well, anyway, now I got that all out of my system and I'm glad I did. I am really ready to buckle down and focus..."
I almost forgot--say the above really at a fast clip and be confident.
At the end, seque back to the internship.
E.g.: "Yes, Amsterdam is exotic and interesting--but now that I am older I realize the greatest learning experiences are right here in my backyard--let's get back to this internship--how many widgets a day do you guys actually sell? That's fascinating...etc...."
You do get it's not a job interview just a soundbite interview?... yeah? The asking for a job is totally my idea...
yeah I was thinking of doing the "I worked at Anjuna market, Goa on a silver jewellery stall" line...
but if I'm doing my memoirs which are all about my drugs etc, why not START crossing bridges as I mean to go on ie by being 100% truthful. I have a hunch it will stand be in far better stead later on
I can think of at least one situation where by being brutally honest in the beginning I totally blunted someone's bad mouth against me as they could only tell a liar's version of a truth I'd already admitted...
Thanks for visiting me today! Your comment was one of the funniest I've received. I can tell that I'm going to have to do a bit of reading here... :)
I admire your honesty Gleds.
Go for the radio show and apply for the job. Tell the truth and say you really want to get better and a job would make all the difference!
Yes, go for the recording and be honest answering questions.
And at the end what harm is there in asking if there are opportunities going knocking?
Going to the radio show IS an opportunity! Tell how brilliant you think the show is and be honest about who you are. Use instinct for anything that follows later. Not worth worrying about whats and ifs. Try to look clean as in wash those jeans and maybe don't wear socks :)
Anon: I 50:50 might might not go. I honestly don't know. I know I'm going to feel like dogshit and heroinaddicted scum in a room full of normal people I don't know if I can handle that. I spose I could take my glasses off/pretend they're reading glasses that's 90% of the trouble (cannot tell you how much I LOATHE wearing them I feel like a piece of scum with them on and look like a dullard everyone agrees when theyr'e being honest Mother Hubbard keeps saying when are you going to wear contact lenses again ~ so I can look normal. I feel like utter dogshit with them on. Well I spose I can take valium and force myself to go
180/360: thanks for your comment:~ you look so perpetually shocked!!!!!!
Akelamalu: yeah I spose I should force myself into going I'm just going to feel like a dogshit impostor and I bet I'll get security on my back asking what the hell I'm doing there
Liz: I was going to do the recording on Weds, the opportunities asking afterwards hopefully when they've forgotten I was the twazzock in the glasses with brown teeth, unkempt hair (no matter how much I wash/brush/condition/etc) and a junkie demeanour...
go for it gled.
i'm with lamalu - be honest, be yourself, be confident that you have something to say (you do) and people who like to listen to you (we do)
hope your part of london isn't blown away yet.....not yet here....
no not blown away yet
ok i MIGHT go
i still feel like dogshit just thiniking about it
(well i'm only being honest...)
Does that mean 60% might now? I understand about the glasses/contacts thing and feeling like shit because need to see a dentist etc. I bet you're better looking than some of those other people which will be called in! Impress them with your intellect and wit - it will make them feel clever having you as a listener! That won't work if you use valium to help ...
YOU MUST GO! I, for one, would give you your own radio show just for being who you are and for telling the truth about your life and what you've experienced!
If people are going to judge you wrongly, then that's their problem, but this is a great opportunity for you and it doesn't matter what you look like, just wash and clean up and go. It doesn't matter if you have holes in your socks. Tell them the truth. It's the truth that makes you so appealing and so worthy.
And if they don't like it, then you've lost nothing. The only loss you will have is if you don't go because you'll never know if something may have become of it!
GO, AND BE YOURSELF - THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU GREAT!
OMG... I reckon I heard that tune from The Captain years and years ago but had all but forgotten it.
Had the pleasure of seeing the man play with The Damned about 10 years ago. Brilliant!!
Hi Gleds ~~ Thanks for your comments, glad you liked the dog and cat pic and I knew what you meant about unsuited folks. I didn't mind at all about your observations about the Bible and in trusting God. I still think that is by far our best option, so stick with it and you will get your answer when you least expect it. MAYBE even at the radio station. Do go, my friend, you just need to be yourself as scrubbed up aspossible You can only ask about a job, after the show. You know a lot about music, and
always seem to know what is going on in the world, so you have a good general knowledge. Be truthful, if asked, but don't volunteer the heroin bit at first
Very best od luck and I hope you enjoy
it in spite of your doubts.Love, Merle.
Go! Go! Go!
You'll do fine!
Love this line: Like a house of cards, such fragile situations are apt to come tumbling down at the very first sneeze...
How very appropriate.
ps I really hope you decide to go.
Hi Gleds, Please go to the radio station. Tidy yourself up, be honest,confident and direct. show a little enthusiasum, it will help your self esteem..
We had a great time at the Wineries and of course you can call Me Jan or Jen, take care my friend Jan
Be clean, don't smell and be honest. Always be honest at interviews. Get your jeans washed and as long as you are not showing the holes in your socks, who cares? I wear socks with holes all the time :-)
I dunno what you look like but just to be safe, try to look looked-after. Comb your hair and make sure your nails are clean. Even in stained jeans you can still make an OK impression dude.
I reckon most people really couldn't care weather you're a junkie or not as long as you LOOK and behave normal.
Good luck :-)
Here's my two-pennorth: At a little shindig like that, everyone's worrying about how they themselves appear/seem... i.e. everyone pretends to, but nobody's paying the slightest bit of attention to anyone else's foibles... least of all slightly wonky glasses! All the best...
Anon: no I don't want to be wobbling all over the place and I do need a dentist my teeth are brown but in place unlike many other people's teeth I can think of. I really feel nervous about going but as everyone says it can't harm... (can it?)(!!) ;-?
Nicole: I will have to remember to wash my coat or I won't look too great!!
General: I wonder who Captain Sensible actually WAS... never heard of him since... (very dated video too: totally unchoreographed moves; unlike today...)
Merle: I'm not going to mention anything about jobs there and then just go and get a flavour of the place as much as anything...
Preposterous: cheers! ;->...
Boufmom9: I will try to conquer my terror and go!
Jeanette: OK:
Jan:... wineries... won't be long before we have some more of those in this country (summers weren't hot enough previously; now they are...) thanks for the comment
Vincent: thanks for the advice it's not a JOB interview it's a kind of probably sitting round a table with various others discussing what you like/don't like about the show
Cheezy: specially as it's radio nobody's exactly going to see them even if I DO end up somewhere in the finished product... least it's not TV ~ if it were I wouldn't go!!!
if it is a live show then it must be funny to curse it in live.
Go, tell 'em the truth. It's your eccentricity that will set the hook. They'll be intrigued.
I would say put your best foot forward and go but i'm such a chicken were I in your shoes I probably wouldn't so who am I to give advice??? I hope you do though and it works out wonderfully for you!
Ropi: I won't be on live it will be a discussion where we sound off about how much we love the station and they chop it up for little soundbite adverts later... (or something like that)
Whitenoise: I hope they'll be more intrigued than disgusted haha!!
Patti: I know exactly what you mean but it only costs 90p to get there (1 bus ride)+5/10mins walk max and it really is just the public jabbering on into a mike... my asking about a job I will do later, but I would use the jabbering session as good experience also it will mean at least I know a bit more how/what/why/wherefore the station works...
Hey Gleddie: Dont worry about your appearance I bet that your You are sexy as you are. Have you gotten Itchy under control? While visiting uncle Brad in NYC I went over to his local pet shop in greenwich village (lower Manhatten) and asked one of the guys what to do. 'Joey', the guy I asked said that hammies are popular pets in the city because some people live in one room apartmets and use screens to sepreate the room! He said they HATE water and to plunk them in a tub of luke-warm water and then seclude her. After he sat there (as long as the room is warm) for about 5 min. you can put some cotton and other things (maybe warm them up in the clothes dryer or if you dont have one on a cookie sheet without starting a fire, or if you have an overn put them in a soup pan covered with a lid inside a larger crok that is boiling water). He said it is extremely important for itchy to be fed seperatly for awhile (maybe 2-4 months) and to handle him before feeding that way if she bites you she gets a dunk in the water and when she is dried off you smear the blood on her face for the second time. Hammies do not like the smell or taste of blood and as Pavlov's dog experiment will soon change their bad behavior!!! Once she starts eating remove the food and smear some more blood on her nose. approx 10 min later you can give her the food in the isolated container. By that time she should be so upset that she can go back to her cage with her family (the other trotters). Joey said that by the sounds of her behavior, if you dont break her of this she has a high chance of fighting with a sibling (he has come back to the shop to see one eat a leg off another) and she will continue to bite YOU. THEN THE ONLY OPTION YOU WILL HAVE WILL BE TO KEEP HER IN HER OWN PEN AND NEVER NANDLE HER OR TO TRADE HER IN TO THE PET SHOP FOR CREDIT TOWARDS A FANCIER HAMMIE. Joey said he has been dealing with hamsters since he had them as pets as 9 and started working at the pet shop and is now manager at 32 so he has a Masters Degree in Hammie Science *wink* **GOOD LUCK** We can have a really fun time if you come to the USA to visit! Maybe you can send me a picture of you. I will send you my addy next time. ~~s~~
If you are worried about your clothes, got to a charity shop and pick up something cheap.
Go boy, go!
I think that I will side with the majority on this one.....not only SHOULD you go...you MUST go. This is an opportunity to re-introduce yourself to a side of life that you have been an outsider to. Look at all your readers here, they come back day in day out because what you have to say is INTERESTING. Clean up as best you can and get it over with. Good luck!
...and I thought I'd have trouble explaining my two year employment gap. Hey if they ask just tell what I do. I trade equity index options for a living. Nobody usually asks any questions after that one.
You might as well just show up. What's the worst could happen. They tell you to piss off? They call security? At least it would liven up your existence for a day and then think of the blog entry you have.
Now I will go post a new photo at my site in your honor. I've been lazy lately as you can tell.
Hey, when I was on Breakfast television that time I was so scared i thought I was going to be the first person to ever throw up live on the sofa on tv. But when i got on, I was fine.
They know you've got good opinions; that's why they've invited you. So let your voice do the talking!
But try and be clean as you can!
And how was the recording?
so--what happened? I'm just coming out from under, so I haven't read the entire string here.
NO it can't harm! Is it tomorrow yet? Hhehheeee ... this is exciting!
gled...you've got to take those chances that you're unsure of because, if you don't, you'll NEVER know. All you can do in life is try...and if something new makes you nervous then that probably means it's of some importance to you and is worth taking a chance on.
I hope I'm not to late to say GO!!!
I have faith in you.
(Sorry I haven't been around much...I'm working every day now and have been under the weather, so dragging my tail a lot).
and it's "too", not "to". I know better (edit)
GO!!!!! Auds x
Hi again Gleds ~~ So glad you liked my story about the poor people as I thought it was the best part of that post. It will help if you REALLY do
like the station and listen to it often. Think up a couple of things
you could say. I'll be anxious to
hear how it went. Again, good luck.
Best wishes, Merle.
Gled
Hope you took the chance and went. Remember; you will always fail at 100% of the chances you never take.
Do what you have to and make an attempt; if not this time, then next. It takes guts to step out of your comfort zone, and even considering a big change is a huge leap.
Good for you for wanting something different. I wish you the best.
S: that is fantastic hamster advice... and to think how cruel I thought (correction FELT) I was being... far as "thoughts" go I "thought" a "short sharp shock" would associate bad behaviour with a nasty wet dunking... hey so I was right (still feel like a bastard though)
I have taken the rest of your comment on board so if it happens again will do as you say
Vi: I was more worried... yeah OK they're nearly ALL blim-holed but nominally fine (hey I could be a painter-decorator: anything when I walk in I'm not expected to be suited and booted)... they were just literally ALL STINKING dirty and I mean really gross they badly needed washing and tho Mother Hubbs kindly has done it for me many times I never seem to get back what I gave her and it takes over a week for her to do it. When I put my mind to anything I do it directly and completely and can't abide other people's well intentioned, yes, but laziness also! (Mother Hubbs has been my best friend possibly ever so I'd never slag her off: I just need my clothes clean NOW!!!)
Eileen: I've done nearly all of the cleaning up by now so I'm going it's dead simple to get too as well
Akelamalu: "tell the truth and shame the devil"... what precisely does THAT mean..??!?
Molson: they won't ask anything to do with my employment history tonight as it won't come up. I'm there to give soundbites that's all!
LATER ON I will use the foot in door/experience thing to try to wheedle my way in as "intern" as Americans put it
hey what's this photo in my honour? cannot go see till most probably tomorrow
Liz: clean: yeah of course. TV come on is 10,000 times more nervewracking... specially LIVE tv... those hot lights... the sheer natural-looking aritficiality of it all...
this is radio but prerecorded. I'm only meant to say "I love the show!" & that's about it!
Mago: yet to go... leave in about 90 mins
Tuttut: haven't BEEN yet. i have to be there by 7pm tonight which means bussing down at 6pm to be on the safe side... just one bus all the way into central London
Anon: yeah I'm leavin' in an hour and a half... clothes done me shaved and washed I finally do feel ready (never THOUGHT I would...)
Debs: I'm GOING! Just gotta take my dry clothes away from the wet ones (same bag)... dress... egg fry rice... have hit (sorry but AM junkie that gets me out of door)... another can of cyder... then I shall be there haha! thanks ;->...
Audrey: I'm going!!
Merle: of course I'll tell how it went. Dunno whether I'll be able to tell tonight local time but if not tomorrow
Calf: that's true. I'm all too good at curling up in a ball and crying (at times all too literally haha!) no I am going. I HAVE to go now. I just have to
;->...
MANY THANKS FOR ALL YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT EVERYONE...,
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