HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Furry Future

HAVING THOUGHT ABOUT THE FUTURE, my mind turned to pets. I have always wanted to get a giant rabbit, you know, the sort you can put in a harness and take out for a trot each morning (a hop, perhaps...)... then I think: hey what about a pika~?!? But you can't really get domesticated pikas (those giant hamster-like critters that live up the Rockies and bound about with flowers and grass bunched in their mouths) they are, apparently, too likely to bite (who does THAT remind me of..?) Then I come to realize in that case I might as well get the world's furriest animal, which looks like a rabbit from Mars into the bargain: yes the amazing chinchilla! They run on 16" diameter wheels and watch television in their spare time. If you haven't got satellite or get the channel or volume wrong they'll protest with a squeak... (click here and scroll down if you don't believe me!)

Then I realized I already have the world's cutest rodents: my three trotterovskis. Surely if a rodent beauty contest were held my three would win..?

When I was first a drug addict my family used to despair that they just wanted the old me back. I, to be frank, was happy to be killing him off: a millstone of a personality I'd tolerated round my neck all my life I'd grown up being told I was useless at school (not by the teachers: I mean the other pupils) and so learned self-loathing... So I had no sorrow for any personality my addiction to heroin might have "lost"...

... now, however, I do look back at some of my good points of old. I remember pushing myself through several situations (job interview type occasions etc) where I was so nervous my voice literally declined into a kind of bleat because I was trembling so much. And yet I pushed myself through. And how I did have some stubbornness and moral "fibre" (if you want to call it that)... and determination. Sometimes I want to get these aspects of the old me back, plant them in a pot like seeds and grow giant sequoias of them...

Wasn't I barking on yeserday! Like a twelve year old kiddie in a sweetshop!! I did achieve something. What I achieved was the near total (and utterly unexpected) demolition of my long- longstanding fear ~ nay, TERROR ~ of work.

Don't get me wrong; I've never been "workshy" in the sense of laziness. (Though like anyone I can be terminally lazy at selected times...) If only I could work and feel good about it and be well paid, I'd have been happy. My fear stems from bad experience. The experience of being hopelessly depressed and yet flung into work and social situations I could barely cope with (I literally had not enough hours in the day at one point to sleep, bathe and eat before getting back to start work again...)... my selfconfidence was at rock bottom and never really improved from any work experience I undertook, paid or voluntary. My last job I felt so very rotten I just wanted to curl into a ball. I could barely focus on anything I was that exhausted. I used to gaze longingly out of the stairwell windows and fantasize about flinging myself out. And I pushed and pushed and pushed against myself and only made myself iller. Then I discovered I really did have something wrong: it was called ME (so-called myalgic encephalomyelitis; though I hate that name) it is better known internationally as chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) which I believe is a more accurate description... this was the same so-called "yuppie flu" of the 1980s: and it does tend to afflict people who, far from being lazy at heart, will push themselves too hard...

Then I got signed off sick... drifted... found that heroin "cured" not only my terminal lack of confidence, but all my physical aches too... and my world pretty much ended there.

All I can say is that yesterday I felt I glimpsed a vision through a very narrow crack of a newly-opened door...

Dolly Parton: Jolene (listen to the chat she gives beforehand; it's classic!)


Akelamalu said...

I truly believe yesterday was the first day of the rest of your life honey. YOU DID IT, YOU REALLY DID IT! xxxx

Eileen said...

Sometimes all it takes is a little jump over that invisible line that you think is hindering you from really being the individual you want to be. I really hope that what you have accomplished sets the pace for other wonderful things to happen.

Take Care

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: I feel like I somehow just rejoined the human race again...

Eileen: yeah me to; thanks!

Anonymous said...

I like how you are reviewing the past to move into the future in a resolved positive way! Widening that narrow crack of a newly-opened door... :)

Audrey said...

I found this very moving...You have my respect and admiration..Keep the vision alive Gleds... please x

tut-tut said...

I know what you're talking about . . . Keep opening that door another inch, another inch, another inch. You'll have it wide open before you realize it.

CrystalChick said...

Small steps turn into bigger ones. Just keep moving forward!
The Dolly vid was terrific. I always liked her and that song too!
Hubby talks of doing a trip to the Tennessee area... he can ride his motorcycle on some of the scenic runs there and we could visit Dollywood too.
I'd have to follow in our car tho... can't seem to get comfy being a biker mama. ;)

Emperor Ropi said...

I wish nice future.

Patti said...

I think you did awesome yesterday.

I love that some "Jolene" by Dolly. So classic country :)

Deb said...

I really like it when you share stories about yourself like this...helps get to know you better.

And don't have a second thought about being so excited yesterday...I think it was of more importance than you know, that glimpse into a new chapter. I mean, it might not have an immediate affect but I think it's something to keep you going, feeling positive. Hope.

School can be a terrible place and have so much influence on how we're shaped as adults. Linds was bullied by teachers and it's taking some work and patience to undo the damage that was done through that.

Gled...someone so passionate about things, who's well spoken and intelligent and has a real interest in people and travel and a true love for animals is a very decent person indeed. They deserve a good life. And that would describe you.

Deb said...

oh and re the song.

I loved the banter beforehand...Dolly's such a sweetheart. My Mom used to love her/that song. :)

Pink said...

hmm. You say you're not a grandma killing psycho...but MY grandma has been missing since you stopped by my blog.

What have you done with her, you furry faced critter?


Bimbimbie said...

I've been coming over and attempting to leave a comment but had no luck with blogger ... until now I hope

Well done Gleds, so glad the cold feet became warm and got you moving through that new doorway and you got to outshine the silly Essex couple. Keep on inching further through *!*

lettuce said...

way to go gledwood.


(who needs chichillas when you've got robos?)

(what about chipmunks? they seem sooooo cute)

(and what about Sugar Gliders? which i've only just heard of?)

Edyta said...

Love the positive post!
I am still in London studying at uni ;) u can tell that i had less time & stuff but now i am on holiday, so i as might as well read everyone's blogs. I missed that.

Gledwood said...

Anon: yeah man that door gotta STAY OPEN, know whateye mean..:??/!???

Auds: I promise I shall do all I can to keep the vision alive, Auds!

Tuttut: cheers... it's like the "light at the end of the tunnel" cliche... but I wonder how many people actually HAVE been in a pitch black tunnel on foot and actually seen that pinpoint of light and how it grows..? BC it really does and I know the meraphor from there!!

Crystal: What's Dollywood actualy LIKE?... is there a ghost train full of dead Dolly Partons? ... A rollercoaster where you ride a massive version of Dolly's Breasts... or what..??

Gledwood said...

Ropi: cheers

Patti: yeah Jolene is my favourite Dolly song... I am pretty sure I DID see that British TV special 1st time round and that would be the 1st time I did hear the song Jolene also... Dolly has always been by FAR the biggest and most popular "country" star over here... possibly because she transcends the genre into straight "popular"...

Debs: Thanks very much, Debs. I didn't realize... well I don't... how little people know about me. I am, I spose, full of stories... and can end up talking like I have a tale to fit every occasion... they're all true... just offshoots of my circuitous life y'seee!!! Yeah I love Dolly, too... she was on British telly lately... so lacking in arrogance and starry pride... she had a dignity and bearing about her that, believe it or not, despite her "bordello madam" look... was almost royal!

Pink: hamsters have massive pouches; that is all ya need ter know haha!!

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: hey I still love that rainbow lorrikeet post where the tiny tubby little trotter can't fly into the tree and so has to hack his way up employing beak like a pick-axe... right the way up to his tubby nestbone... that Essex couple... yeah they DID come from Essex... supported MILLWALL football team and had NAMED THEIR DAUGHTER after it! What more can I say!!... & yeah I'll keep on inching! Many thanxx... ;->...

aren't sugar gliders flying snakelike squirrels..? no thanxx...

chipmunks? ever seen them in a cage? they literally run loop the loops. Not on a wheel but run upside down bc they're glorified squirrels and not meant to be kept in prison... no I'd never have them. only calm pets. robos are the most friendly, inquisitive yet flightiest trotters I'd go for (don't like being handled) but normally not vicious... chipmunks even more so... you cannot ever let chipmunks out you'd never get 'em back... horrible little gits! chinchillas are wonderful. calm like a tame rabbit... wondrous fur... Martian ears... pumblechook mouth (conical entertainment_)... and pumblechook entertainment all around!!! thanxx for the message!

Edyta: hope you're having a great time: isn't this the best (and dirtiest) town....

if only I can keep it together I would offer to meet up at some future time....

Pink said...

Ah...the deep pouches...that explains why there's no purse snatchin' then ;)

thanks for the follow up visit, furry face :)

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Of course your hammies would win, Gleds - and so would you, as the kindest owner. Auguri from Sicily x

Gledwood said...

Pink: yeah pouches and purse-snachin' go... well; hand-in-pouch so ter speak...

Welshcakes: I was thinking of putting Baby Itchy as pet of the day in the London Lite daily newspaper...

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood