HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Spring's Sprung (...somewhere!)

I'M NOT SURE what date the first day of spring "officially" falls in this country, but I'm pretty sure it's not yet fallen... despite a bracing freshness in the air... even in urban London. If I remember rightly it's sometime mid-March or early-April even. Nevertheless, spring IS officially here (or there) in several places across the Northern Hemisphere... (chilly old Russia included)... so in the lamb-leaping spirit of things I'm glorifying today with blue skies and daffodils.

Somebody chatting on the radio on Sunday really cheered me up... saying lambs are the only animals who leap for the sheer joy of living. Wow! How that must feel. I remember the wind blowing one time years ago and how this implacable urge toward dancing struck me... I remember waking and feeling those blue skies rayed with gold and thinking what wondrous opportunities would I partake in today...

Feelings that have long gone, of course. But at least I remember having them. At least I've been there. All too many people live in a near-professional state of misery because they've either not been there or doggedly refuse to acknowledge that they have. One professional miseryguts I knew in times past declared me to be naive. Well I think she was naive. It's so easy to reduce life to a tiling of black and white absolutes when actually its saturated in every living colour... even if a lot of it is very dismal and dark!

I don't know what on earth I was wazzling on about yesterday? Did anyone make sense of my post? (Because I barely can. In the clear light of mid-evening.) One person told me to "get a grip"! I have a grip!! It's just sometimes such luxury to let go!

And so back to lambs... I've even seen roborovskis a-leaping (you knew I'd bring this round to hamsters somehow; surely...) Itchy was being fractious with Bashful (which she never used to be. Perhaps spring's in the robbie-air too... or more to the point tiny Baby Itchy's fed up of being tiniest bottom-of-the-pecking-order... (poor swine!)... and while she was pinging about and hurtled straight at Bashful, Bashful literally sprang up directly in the air, allowing the supersonic Itchy to pass safely underneath...

... and how was YOUR day~??

Another World:
Foreign Blog of the Day: the Malay Educational System

Is shyness an illness?
read~ BBC News: Social Phobia
read and "listen again"~ Am I Normal: Social Phobia

ps: as Nicole accurately pointed out, the "lamb" ecstatically sniffing daffodils on the left is actually a baby GOAT (OK, OK, I know: it's called a "kid"...) also, spring begins in Europe officially on 21st of March (whereas Australia's official starting dates for autumn and spring are the 1st of March and September...)


Anonymous said...

Blue skies, daffodils and SPRINGING! WEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I also believe more than lambs spring from pure joy! You should see me in the kitchen sometimes when having a good day. DANCING!!! Also, remember when you were little and something really exciting was going to happen the next day ... when you woke and SPRANG out of bed!

Autumn began on the first of March in Australia. I don't like Winter but will try to see the positive side now. Thanks Gledwood :)

Gledwood said...

Hey so there is an official 1st day of autumn in Australia... I wonder where I got the official 1st day of spring from? I'm sure it was NOT the UK... but WHERE..??

Vi said...

well I thought spring had sprung here, but we had snow this morning!

Gledwood said...

SNOW??? Didn't that all finish with the Cold War~??!?

tut-tut said...

Well, shyness can be a real deal-buster when it comes to doing what you want; I should know . . . but I've worked through most of it! So good!

Today I worked on my CE project AND I made some curtains, plus the various activities of shopping and picking up L from school. Dinner looms.

I'm glad you are posting leaping lambs; something to focus on when one wants to pull the covers over one's head.

The Phosgene Kid said...

I think porpoises leap for the love of it as well... Got to make it through March, March always sucks, then the weather turns for the better. We've already been in the 80s so I suspect this summer will be a scorcher.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I hoped Spring had spring here in the past few days with temperature highs in the 50s. But now we’re back to the 30s.


Cléa said...

Such an uplifting post! If we could just leap across fields, even in our dreams, we'd feel exhilarated.

Ur-spo said...

you recently stopped by my blogger blog and asked where was i now
I am at www.sporeflections.wordpress.com
i apologize for not answering you sooner but i have been ill with the flu.

Nicole said...

Spring in most of Europe begins 21st of March (Summer 21st June, Autumn 21st September and Winter 21st December). In Australia however, the seasons begin on the 1st of their respective months. So Autumn began 1st March, Winter will be 1st of June, Spring 1st of September and Summer starts on the 1st of December.

By the way, one of your baby lambs in the photos is a goat. Cuteness supreme.

Audrey said...

Its not only a luxury to be able to let go Gleds its also a strength to be that honest as to how you feel..Hope its passed and your feeling a little more positive today, certainly seems like it with all those lambs frolicking etc..

I remember that feeling of wanting to skip as an adult down the street, but realising people would think I was slightly crazy if I did, isnt it sad in a sense that we loose such a simple pleasure as we grow up...Should we declare a day specifically for all adults who want to get in touch with the playful inner child, an grown up skipping day..........YOU FIRST... Keep strong, keep writing, keep doing what you do so well :) Auds x

Gledwood said...

Tut-tut: that's true... do you really think pathological shyness needs cognitive "CBT" therapy? or medications like paroxetine/Seroxat?... you're right about the leapin' lambs... imagine leapin' in bed... quilts flying everywhere, cold coffee/half empty cans of cyder, cigarette ends (if you're me) hittin' the roof... etc

Phosgene: bottle-nosed dolphins you are right... and wales... they both leap you're quite right... I don't know about this summer. I've always thought cold winter = hot summer coming ..? or is that an old wives' tale..?

Nick: hang on you're talking imperial here... 50s.. is that about 15C?... 30s... you mean just above/below freezing?

Clea: you can do anything in a dream... so long as you can learn LUCID DREAMING... I've only done it literally once but it was such fun

Gledwood said...

Ur-Spo: OK ~ thanxx I'm comin' there in a minute...

Nicole: thanks for that info I ps'd it as you might see on that post...

Audrey: oh! that we think so much that others will judge how we appear, how we feel... I remember being about 8 yrs old walking up the road holding hands with a little boy... there was nothing at all sexual in it... neither did either of us have a "crush" of any kind on the other it just felt natural. Then we realized we weren't supposed to do it and had to stop and I felt the dirtiness of the world had intruded perhaps for the first time on my innocence

Liz said...

Goats and sheeps look very alike, don't they? I wouldn't have known.

Is that true about lambs leaping? What about bambis? No, I supose they don't leap. i'm thinking disney now!

How lovely. Sometimes Husband pretends not to be with me cos I skip along.

Patti said...

Oh now I just want to go out and leap like that little lamb - seriously!

Little Lamb said...

Lambs are nice.

Gledwood said...

Liz: dear me skipping along... do you use a rope? if so get one with ballbearing handles (no inconvenient twisting)... I'm not sure if bambies do leap... I've seen male dear (on television) charging antlers at the trees in frustration at the beginning of the rutting season (hmmm slight tangent...)

Patti: pyoing!

Little Lamb: so innocent!!

Francy said...

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Gledwood said...

Francy: you already sent that message to another post... your site is really interesting I will put it on my drugs links. I can't really go as it's in America and they hate letting junkies in

Francy said...

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood