HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Tubby Diggery

MY TROTTEROVSKIS went visiting Mother Hubbs's house yesterday... stashed in the lollypop jar, filled nearly to the brim with woodshavings and multipunctured with airholes on the bottom... They were installed upside-down because the lid is bright red and impenetrable by anything much short of a red hot poker (btw did you know the English King Edward II died in 1327 with one of those up the you-know-where..! True!!)... anyway it was like a living version of one of those glass domes the Victorians so loved to store dead things under... Though most of the time little was to be seen except agitatedly shifting sawdust... then every now and then one tubby trotter would poke her head up; followed by another.... Then her tubby bum would vanish back into the shavings and the other follow directly down...

Mother Hubbs is funny. On the one hand she wanted to show my "living ornament" directly to the cat who was most astounded and sneaked round and round it making me feel very nervous (though the tubberovskis were taped in and closely supervised: I know all the kitty-trixx: like waiting till your back's turned (so you can't I even took them to the loo with me) then knocking the whole thing down so it springs open ~ ta-daa! And three-times cat heaven emerges pinging into the shadows... So that made me just slightly on edge though I knew they were perfectly safe. Then she started fretting about whether or not they had enough air. Of course they did!

But we ended up rather farcically blowing in air through a drinking straw... Which if anything, I'd imagine would only INCREASE the carbon dioxide levels... though I'm no expert. It did seem rather over the top but Mother Hubbs has an obsessive nature like me and once she's got a bee in her bonnet she cannot stop buzzing...

In fact, before long all three simply fell asleep right in the middle of the diggery (a real burrow for once! What hamster luxury!!)... though only TWO ever emerged. In paranoia I tore the thing opened, only for a bleary-eyed Spherical to emerge from the very bottom, where she had slumbered in seclusion for two hours flat (and probably been nibbling on the red binkybonk things: moulded uppydowny recesses for the shopkeeper to stand lollies upright atop the closed jar as a sales display... THAT is what most probably attracted her down (I know the hamster brain!)... also the relative peace and quiet. She's an old momma, is Spherical. Doesn't like needless excitement of any kind. Meanwhile the other two were going mental digging up then down, then together in a chain. Then popping up sawdust-covered heads and looking surprised to have got nowhere!

We had a yummy Sunday lunch and smoked lots of real cigarettes (not nasty rollups like I normally do. Mother Hubbard is very posh (well, compared to me; as are most people haha!))... then Bashful and Itchy persisted in scrabbling against the top of their dome as if they were bored and had had enough so I took them home. Not before causing a spectacle amongst some young children on the bus... so that was MY Sunday... and how was yours..??

BLOGS OF THE DAY:
Tubby chocolate mice...
Amazingly fluorescent coloured smoke...
Beautiful hotair baloons...
Rainbowtastic paintings from Spain...


ps

Ever heard of a natural phenomenon called a "fire rainbow"?
Click to see it: they DO exist and that's a fantastic specimen!!

34 comments:

Patti said...

My Sunday was fine and dandy, glad you had a good one and Happy St. Pat's Day today!

Gledwood said...

Cheers! St Patrick let me tell you is causing much more of a stir in the USA, Canada and (most especially: AUSTRALIA where any excuse to knock back the liquor almost as much as in Ireland...) as I just said in someone else's comments were I not online today and visiting those 3 abovementioned lands... I'd not have a CLUE about it but thanks for the wishes!!

tut-tut said...

I had a very nice day at home after Palm Sunday at church. What did you have for lunch?

Gledwood said...

As Dolly Parton sang: "We have chicken every Sunday and the preacher comes around and every Saturday morning Daddy takes us into town; and we go to the pictures..."

except I've not set eyes on a preacher ('cept the one at a foodpoisoning barbecue (literally beefburgers chewy and FROZEN in the middle!!) and I've not been to the cinema for many a year...) thanxx for asking tho hahahaaargh!! ;->...

Akelamalu said...

Sounds like you had a really nice Sunday Gleds. We had lunch at home (a roast) and a visit from youngest son and two grandchildren which was fun. :)

Gledwood said...

Great stuff: but you didn't have a constantly trottering Victorian dead animals in a dome except alive ornament now did you... hey!

Bimbimbie said...

Hillarious visuals of you blowing air through a straw to the robos ... if you were having/had a Sunday pint perhaps you air drunked them into deep slumber lol *!*

Spent my Sunday with paintbrush in hand and my ear to the radio - ABC national for me ... we call 4BC whinge radio.

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Anonymous said...

You had a most excellent Sunday Adventure Gledwood! I was too kissed by the sun spending a few hours with waders on a reef in sea air. Also saw hawks flying with wind gliding humans! Followed by Sunday afternoon BBQ :)

Anonymous said...

PS: It's TUESDAY here now!

molson said...

Glad to hear you and the Robos had a wonderful Sunday get together with Mother Hubbs.

You sure do get around the blogs Gledwood. Don't know how you manage to keep up and post at the same time.

My Sunday was boring and slow. Just the way I like it.

Jane said...

Great post, great blog. Enjoyed browsing your blog.
^.^ hehe

Keshi said...

great Sunday then :)

My Sunday was cleaning day...did alot of work ard the house.


Keshi.

BoufMom9 said...

Glad you had a lovely day. I have spent the day in with the kiddies as I have been sick. But, we still managed to do up St Pat's right. :)

Janice said...

Happy St. Patrick's day!

lettuce said...

glad you had a good sunday gled, it sounds most entertaining.

:o)

i did quite a bit of housework cleaning tidying even kettle-polishing.....

:o/

liver and bacon for tea. yum.

Visconde das Devezas said...

I thank and I repay its visit.
It comes back soon.
One I hug

Gledwood said...

Lettuce: polishing the kettle..?!? that is most surely an early sign of madness!

having said that I used to polish the taps: having heard that Madonna obsessively did the same; I thought that by copying her habits a bit of her success might rub off (like Jif, perhaps)... on me! hahaargh!! ;->...

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: 4BC I will have to give another go... is there an on-air agony aunt or something more entertaining than potash gardening tips? I found that really dull. Even for 9am Sunday morning (your time...)

Anon: Tuesday? Hang on when did you post that..? Oh yeah I see it would have been about 10 to 9am (10 to 10pm here)... I still find that hopelessly exotic and wowsome! Yes my trotters had a tubsome day out (quite literally as they were sealed in a tub for 4 hrs+ poor swines!)

X: what on earth is your name..? Anything to do with that female named something like Xuxa who I heard earns $$$multi1000000s from South American TV? You're welcome for the visit I'm glad I came: guess how I found you? By your photos popping up quite at random on http://play.blogger.com... it's like blog tv!

ps: so you work in public relations/media relations ("PR") then..?

Molson: Did you buy weighty Sunday papers and lie in bed all morning reading colour supplements about pierced drumming tribes in Mali/etc then...?

Gledwood said...

Jane: cheers, dears! I shall have to go back to yours...

Keshi: you sound good. better than you did last post yourside. which is good. ;->...

Mom: shyte! I hope your kiddies all get well promptly!

(hey did you know a traditional British ruse against car sickness is to place newspaper under the child as they sit in the back; and to inform them that newspaper "stops you being sick"... (like hell it does!!) there was an hilarious phone-in about 1970s childhoods and the horrors of carsickness... I think cars must be incredibly better designed these days as you don't hear about it anything like so much... your family must need a TANK to drive ensemble anywhere...

Janice: cheers Janice, though it passed me by with only a single mention on BBC London radio at about 10:30pm! o yeah & I did see 3 AUSTRALIAN boys drunk and sporting giant green furry "Irish" hats... around 9:30pm...

VdD: cheers!... who is that portrait btw?

Lettuce: please see above!

Gledwood said...

Jane: har har har whose on earth was THAT flashing "you're a twonk" page then?

Edyta said...

u DID have fun, u!

i didnt find even a clue of a festive sunday over here. all sunday i did nothing. was being useless. ewwww.
at least i slept well. thats good.

hope ur doing well.

Gledwood said...

i think the "festive" st paddy's was monday. not 100percent sure as did not celebrate. glad you slept good that is important

hey why you not keeping blog? c'MON! different city; same blog. it's quite possible and logical! c'mon woman! we wanna hear more!!

jim dandy said...

Dolly is funny. Sensible is new to me, quite enjoyable. Madonna is still Madonna, but hey, she's from Detroit too so that's cool. Cheers!

Gledwood said...

Isn't Detroit famous for its auto industry..?

Someone once said that Madonna is like a General Motors car... y'know, cause everybody's had a ride on it...

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Thanks for your comments, I am not into Sy Pat's day and certainly not into Guinness. Don't even like green except in lawns and gardens. Glad you had a visit with Mother Hubbard, in spite of the cats waiting yo pounce on your little mates. The reason the time is an hour out is Victoria and Sydney are on Daylight Savings time, due to end soon. Queensland don't have it and are an hour behind us.
Take care, my friend, Best Wishes, Merle.

Merle said...

Hi again Gleds ~~ There are quite a few blackbirds live around my house and they nest every year about 6 frrt from my back door. I love their whistle or song, it's great and they are my favourite. We get
Willy Wagtails and the odd kookaburra and
they laugh, but usually sit in the high trees at the back of my place. Bye again
Cheers, Merle.

Gledwood said...

O, I see about the time now... that's what we call British Summer Time here; though I've always wondered why we need an extra hour in summer not in winter when it would surely be more practical..?

Kookaburras I have heard of but I couldn't point one out ...

We have birds called pied wagtails; they are black and white and so resemble tiny magpies in a way... they tend to run along the ground rather than flying, which looks really funny, very tiny pretty birds and more black and white patterned than magpies which is I spose why they're called "pied" as they do look spattered in cream or something

molson said...

I don't read real newspapers anymore now that I have this interweb thingy. Instead I spent my Sunday cruising the web for new music.

Yeah Gledwood, Detroit is known for the American auto business. It's also known for the demise of the American auto business, unemployment, and urban decay. Maybe Detroit can come up with a new slogan...

"Detroit. Just like New Orleans without the hurricane."

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Gledwood said...

Molson: o dear me are things really that bad there...? I heard the place had got taken over by Japanese car manufacturers who'd reprimanded the Americans outta business... plus all the top American execs are working for the Japs IN Detroit now... true..??

Francy: you already said that!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood