HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


Gledwoods deutscher Blog

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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Fertility Goddess Friday...

"GOOD" FRIDAY... Easter... a man on the radio yesterday explained the pre-Christian origins of the "cross"... which represents the disc of the sun interposed with the crossing lines... a remnant of sun-worship, the wider world's version of monotheism... He also made a point that had crossed my head once in religious thought. He was wondering how the cross could possibly have become an emblem of Christianity when it represented that religion's darkest hour. "It's a bit like using a machine gun to represent Jacqueline Kennedy," he declared.

The picture above right is a South Indian fertility goddess; Easter apparently being a tie-in with fertility cults of the ancient world... Ishtar... Venus... and so on.

This "interview" ... I was trying to explain what happened and this is it. When you phone a talk radio station there are professional phone answerers. Depending on whether your point seems worthwhile and whether or not there is time to fit you on air they will take your name and may or may not ring you back.

Usually when you're rung back you wait about five minutes with the radio playing through your handset. When you're put through the host will already be discussing the subject you said you wanted to talk on, then you are put on live and it's up to you to make your point. This time, however he kind of "interviewed" me by asking a series of maybe twenty questions. They were very well put, and because I've got used to being able to discuss addiction I gave what were apparently fairly good answers. Because a couple of people phoned in afterwards and said so. That was what flattered me because one said he'd never heard addiction explained so well. It was, as I say, as much down to good questions as anything I answered "why did you start injecting?" etc etc he went right through it... So that's why I talk about an "interview". I wasn't specially put on as a special guest ~ I just phoned in like anyone else...

Well I'd better go. Have a merry day everyone and don't eat too much chocolate. (Or isn't that meant to be for Sunday? I've absolutely no idea...)


CrystalChick said...

How neat that you did a phone interview. And you are back to writing! So many things give us that little push to keep moving when we need it.
Happy Easter! We are planning to visit relatives for a ham dinner.
Hub's family never discusses anything too intense or interesting,
so many topics are off limits for one reason or another so it'll just be nice to sit mindlessly and exchange a few pleasantries. That's certainly worth not having to cook.
OH and having cake for our niece's birthday, that will be yummy! :)
Have a nice holiday weekend.

Patti said...

Sounds like you did a good job and were straight up about your addiction.

Honey candy eating is a 24/7 thing with me! Happy Easter Gleds!

tut-tut said...

Sounds to me like this interview may lead to something more . . .

Happy Friday to you, whatever you decide to celebrate!

lostgirl said...

Hi Gleds

Sorry I have not been here much will try harder. As well as your memoir you could write a book about addiciton. Another idea to help get u off drugs would be if a newspaper or magazine gave you some weekly space to talk about coming off the drugs. Now that would be brilliant as you might get off the drugs and earn yourself a tidy sum. Don't worry I know life just isn't that easy but its a thought.

have a good easter. treat yourself to some chocs!
all the best lostgirl x

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

A couple of thoughts:
Yes, that’s the origin of the Celtic cross.

The “good” refers to the sinlessness of Christ and/or that Christ’s death benefited the world. In other, non-English speaking, cultures it is called other things. The Germans call it Karfreitag—Friday of lament.

A blessed day to you and to the little ones.

Bimbimbie said...

I often wonder when listening to so called experts on the radio (usually those involved in the treatment side of things) why on earth they don't have people who have walked or are walking the walk to explain in their own words how life really is for them. I'm pleased listeners took the time to phone in and leave positive feedback for you gleds, you must have had a positive impact on them. x *!*

Gledwood said...

Crystal: cheers! I'm not doin' nothin' special at all. I'll probably end up eatin' Cadbury's mini eggs and phoning the bloody radio station again haha!

Patti: I try not to eat too many sweets. Yeah I DID make an impression I'm glad about that ha-har!!

TutTut: Maybe something will come out of it you may be right... I partly started calling as a "personal development" issue. Well you can't write a book and not be able to go on live airwaves to discuss it can ya? Publishers wouldn't go for that (specially not nowadays it's all promote promote PROMOTE so...) I'm not celebratin' Fertility Goddess Day I can tell ya that I would rather eat Matzos and do Jewish

Gledwood said...

Lost: I was thinking that (book) as well... writing in a newspaper that might be a bit stressful what do I say if I "relapse"..??! Have a good 'un over the weekend

Saintly: thanks: I think maybe the cross represents the beams of the sun? maybe...??

Bimbimbie: I have no idea why this is but addicts are so incredibly bad usually at explaining their problem... e.g. when I wanted to know what rehab was like not one person could tell me "well it's normally a big house on an ordinary residential street; sexes are segregated by buildings or different floors; a nurse works there and several counsellors; usually there are 8-16 clients..." and so on. So simple yet seemingly impossible so I reasoned I ought to write a book just to tell it like it is. The only other good memoir (from Australia actually it's called In My Skin by Kate Holden) is good but it's 50% about working in a legalized Melbourne brothel and her skirmish with heroin was nowhere near as bad as mine: no abscesses, no homelessness, no blahblah I'm not writing to say my life was the worst I just think/hope I can tell it the best!

Have a happy Yuletide everyone. Sorry Candlemass. Urrk..? Passover! That's what I like to call it...

Vi said...

I'm glad you are getting enjoyment from these phone interviews. I would love to hear them!

Have a good Easter Gled! x

Vincent said...

Well done again mate. I find it absolutely fantastic that you had this opportunity. We have another friend who's on a heroine program funded by the city and he's getting his life back on track again. He functions completely normal except that he has to shoot up once or twice a day. If you can make as little as a few people more aware of the fact that not all junkies are the same then that's already a gain.

And how cool that you got complimented afterwards by another listener.

Have you ever thought about contacting schools (with or without help from a social worker) to maybe do drug-education or something?

Happy Easter Gled :-)

Nicole said...

You have so much to teach people Gled, I hope you make it on the radio many more times. I'd love to see you do a programme for schools and colleges about drug education. You should mention your blog on the radio next time and tell people they can get more information here as well. And I read earlier about your idea to do a Podcast. That would be grand!

Bimbimbie said...

I agree with Vincent and Nicole you should look into getting your experienced heard by kids through whatever avenues are available. Perhaps the people at the radio station might have some contacts to put you in touch with. And what about things like local community radio and newspapers you might be able to submit an article with them.

Keshi said...

All the best with the results of that Interview!

I've already eaten too many Easter eggs and I feel sick :(


Akelamalu said...

The fact that you phoned the radio station and talked about your addiction shows just how eloquent you are Gleds. Just imagine what you could do it you 'didn't do drugs'! Hope your Easter is a good time for you, and you have to save your easter eggs until tomorrow (Sunday). x

Gledwood said...

Vi: cheers, you too though I don't do easter (cannot even stomach the eggs haha!!)

Vince: schools? i could do that AFTER my memoirs. that was really sposed to be the package; and that's why I wasn't really into selfpublishing or doing it on the internet it has to be a big deal or no deal. you have to PROMOTE books these days more than ever and it would fit perfectly into an educational campaign. one reason i took to phoning the radio was to get rid of my nerves. it can be v nerveracking knowing 100,000 listeners are evesdropping on you...

Nicole: yeah I think I will do I just didn't want to be doing it all too quickly. also they might be pretty bemused by the heroin/hamsters connexion unless prewarned haha!!

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: ditto what I said to Vincent ... I can only do one thing at a time though HAVE to get that book finished and in print though. when I rang in last night about my drinking there was a woman on who'd written a drink memoir I said I was writing my drugs memoir the hostess (joking, well halfjoking y'know) said we'll have you on after you finish that book only if you're sober tho!!

Keshi: cheers I had mad Cadbury's Mini Egg craving at 4am with limited dough; but bought cigarettes instead...

Akelamalu: yeah you have a point. I gotta finish my bloody book though and get an agent after it and get the bloody thing in print. there was an ex-drinker woman on last night promoting her book i rang in about my drinking and mentioned my memoirs... her story was NOTHING on mine... I mean in terms of near complete selfdestruction ... yet I was writing it under the aegis (is that the right word? sounds like a nice word to use...) of the BEST TOLD drugs story and certainly not the worst... which indeed it would be. but this woman had done an alcohol memoir and yet didn't start drinking till 7pm and never got roaring drunk... so how much of a bloody alcoholic WAS she..??

Calfkeeper said...

Hey, it's great you did an interview. Wish we could hear it.

About the cross; it's s good question about how it became the Christian symbol. Didn't the Romans actually use a single stake or tree, with no crosspiece, to do their crucifying? The hands being nailed above the head, I would presume.

Something to research, when I have the time.

Gledwood said...

Yeah I think you're right... when Simon of Cyrene was compelled to "carry the cross" I'm pretty sure it meant the crossBAR not the "Christian-style" cross with longer stake (how would he have carted THAT around...?) and also even in The Life of Brian the crosses are huge poles in the ground with a futher arms crossbar

I've heard that it was done on a tree and that as you said the "cross" meant the plank for the arms... apparently (though I'm not absolutely sure) people were often merely TIED up in such a way that their body sagged, killing them internally (but slowly) hence the breaking of the legs...

you may well be right and it is worth researching I don't have the fuller details myself

just beware: you will of course end up hopping on whatever "Christian" group's agenda wherever you Google almost...

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Congrats on the way you handled the phone interview and for raising people's awareness about addiction.

As to why the cross became the symbol for Christianity, Jesus death was part of God's plan for freeing us from the power and penalty of sin. One might look at the crucifixion as the low point with Jesus humiliated and executed but for Christians it became the reason for hope. "By his stripes, we are healed......God laid upon him, the transgressions of us all."

So, the cross represents the practical and real expression of God's love for us and our hope for a future.

Gledwood said...

so it's the highpoint and the lowpoint all at once

Mr Pineapples said...

hey bill are you still an addict? and proud of it? Mr P couldnt work out what you is all about

Gledwood said...

yeah: still using, but on methadone so FAR better than 't' used to be in past

Janice said...

Hi Glenwood,

Good for you doing that interview, you my friend have a unique perspective even the interviewer could appriciate.

Happy Easter!


Anonymous said...

Best wishes, happy easter and all.

lettuce said...

well done on the interviews gled - hope you have a good weekend.

i remember that c'est la vie song - i'd have thought it was earlier though....

Gledwood said...

Janice: cheers!

Mago: ta!

Lettuce: c'est la vie: earlier than what tho? i thought it was mid to late 80s

Calfkeeper said...

Gled, bear with me on this comment:

As a Christian myself I can totally agree with Lone Grey Squirrel. However I think the cross symbol is so overmarketed as to be almost meaningless any more. I mean celebs wear it because it's "cool" not because it means anything to them. You see it plastered all over. Really I don't mean to sound as though I don't value the blood Christ shed. But to me the more meaningful symbol is the empty tomb. Dying on a cross was not uncommon in those days; coming back to life afterwards is what sealed the deal, as it were. It's just hard to depict an empty tomb and wear it around one's neck.

That said:

In doing quick research on this cross issue I found that Romans did indeed occasionally crucify on what they called a "crux simplex" or a simple wooden stake with hands extended straight above the head and nailed to the stake.

But there is also archeological evidence of a crucifixion: in 1968 they found the remains of someone who'd been crucified in the same century as Christ and there had been a crossbar. However it wasn't as typically depicted in Christian protrayals.

I'll shut up on this for now; don't want to crash your comments section.


Gledwood said...

hey I see what you mean...

when Jesus was about to be crucified Simon of Cyrene was compelled to "carry the cross" I always assumed this meant a crossbar (for the arms) to be affixed to some sort of pole or tree

were there no crossbar surely the implement would have been called a "pole"?

the Jehovah's Witness Bible does chuck out the word "crucified" in favour of "impaled" (though that implies Vlad the Impaler style...)

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood