HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I Did It!

I DID IT! Yes I did it! I actually went in there and did not bottle out. How amazing! Everyone DID look at me like: who the hell is THAT?? But I ignored their visual jibes and gratefully took a free glass of red wine (a black woman had white: everyone else had boring old orange juice. ORANGE JUICE ~ to go on air? Honestly!)

We got split into groups. My group was the smallest, consisting of a tiny 40 or 50something year old man who is such a regular caller all the staff knew him. Plus a fat couple from Essex, with very Essexey (that is out-of-town suburban) values and opinions. Not a single person ventured to make any eyecontact or friendship with me (as expected).

While the other lot got a guided tour round the station, we were shoved straight in a studio with a mike at every chair and though it wasn't a fluent discussion, various topics, shows, presenters were brought forth. Three of us out of four looked extremely selfconscious (self included). I died on myself twice. Literally froze from nerves; had to fish myself out (very adeptly so, as well ~ if I say so myself...). I knew this was never meant to be live or even live sounding. They only wanted people's voices to mix into different adverts, trailers, soundbites and all that rubbish, so I wasn't fazed in that respect, and as I said I did fish myself out.

I hope they don't use any of my contribution. At the end we had to say each of us alone "this is blah blah blah radio". I put on my answering machine voice and made the fart woman (typo! but she was one) look at me all different...

Then, traumas over we got a tour of the building by the second in command boss at the station. I noticed he was as badly shaved as I had been before I took razor to face this afternoon. I asked all the most cogent, intelligent, diverse and basically spot-on questions so he spoke to me practically the whole time instead of the useless rest of the rabble (I don't know about you: but don't YOU notice who someone's talking to, when you and someone, or many other people are introduced to a person of note..? I ALWAYS do....)

I took his name, got free mugs and fridge magnets. Security (for once in my life) treated me like a human being and not a theif they just hadn't managed to nail (as I usually get treated by security guards)... out on the street I cheerily said "see you on the radio then!" to the fat pair; they looked at me like well we hope we never cast eyes on YOU again but forced sneering snorts of smiles.

And then I trotted the ten minutes to my bus stop feeling a job had been well done.

I got the deputy station controller's attention, I went in the building. I wouldn't be half as nervous there again (specially seeing how causual they were all turned out!)... I didn't ask about internships (asking TONIGHT had never been on the cards ~ I did try to make that clear)... yeah and blah blah blah ~ wahey! I did it!!!!!!

PS THE ANTIPERSPIRANT (badly-needed) body spray I bought smells so pukeworthy that in this netcaff cubicle the overpowering pong is seriously threatening to make me THROW UP...

31 comments:

tut-tut said...

Wow . . . I'm truly in awe. Good for you; plus getting all the attention IS GREAT! There is always a couple like that, isn't there, in any random group. You must be feeling quite good.

Vincent said...

I'm proud of you mate, I really am. You totally did it. Fantastic. And yeah, I know how tour guides can pick out one or two persons to talk to. It must've been awkward for everybody to be put in groups with strangers. Nic and I had that happen when we did a few film tests (watch movie for free and give criticism afterwards in small groups). Honestly, the way they looked at you would not totally have been about yourself. I reckon that's how most of them looked at each other. Awesome, well done mate :-)

Anonymous said...

YOU DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow I'm so excited! I'm proud of you too! Having a cuppa in a new mug to celebrate ;)

Hey, it sounds to me your voices will be used in commercials. Will they be paying royalties for your voice if used?

molson said...

Good on ya Gledwood. Just for that I'm gonna post up another mountain critter on my site in your honor. I don't remember if I ever posted two nights in a row.

Nicole said...

I'm thrilled! I'm thrilled that you went and that you made such a great effort! I wouldn't worry about the way that people look at you, they're too stupid to realise that every single one of us is only a heart-beat away from being homeless or addicted. It's their great loss for not having chatted with you more. What a great experience for you - I'm really happy you went!

Cléa said...

Obviously I'm late to offer support but well done!

Enjoy the feel-good moments :).

Gattina said...

Congratulations that's wonderful for you ! You jumped over your own shadow and that's alway good !
When I am in a difficult situation I always imagine to be THE QUEEN who also has to hold still and don't show her feelings lol !

Audrey said...

wahey!!!! Well done Gleds, it sounds as if you really enjoyed every moment of the experience, I like the way you notice things not only about your surroundings but people in general and the way you write about it all. Im delighted you went...

CrystalChick said...

How WONDERFUL for you to have gone on to do this! What a neat experience. No mind to those who won't speak or look at you... they have their own issues, hidden from view. And as Nicole said, we've all got the possibility of devastating things like that happening.
One day at a time Gleds, just keep going! Great job!

Whitenoise said...

Hey, good for you, Gled. ;-)

Cheezy said...

Hooray! That post has really brightened my day - no really! - it's great when someone feels the fear but adopts the 'do it anyway' approach. Played a blinder! :)

Vi said...

Well done gleddy!

Eileen said...

Good stuff!

Patti said...

I am just glad you went. Stepping out of our "comfort zone" is never easy. I am totally cracking up about the fat pair!

Calfkeeper said...

Oh, excellent! Thanks for the story about it. I enjoyed it so much.

I am sure you did a crackerjack job (as they would say in "old-Missouri" lingo), phooey on the stuck up snots.

I am proud of you!

Deb said...

Gled....I'm proud of you as well, but not surprised that you did so well. Never doubted that for a minute...you're very well spoken, intelligent, friendly and outgoing. What's not to love?

People that judge others on their outward appearances are generally not people I want to know...judgemental, think they are superior. And the fat couple obviously have their own issues.

I'm sure this was a well deserved boost to your self esteem and you can use it as a stepping stone to keep moving out of your shell. You'll do great things Gled, I know it!

zen wizard said...

Good show, old chap.

Footnote: Lynx Phoenix is the anti-perspirant of choice for today's metrosexual.

It makes you smell so Essexy, people will think you are from Essex.

sally in norfolk said...

Reading this made me remember the time not so long ago that i went on radio norfolk.... I was so nervous but enjoyed the experiance.

well done to you :-)

Gledwood said...

Tuttut: well I kind of monopolized the attention with constant questioning haha!!

Vincent: yeah I tried not to be too para there was NO group spirit in my group of 4 I can tell yer!

Anon: oh no we won't get 1p: this IS Britain!!

Molson: hey I found a question on yahoo about can you keep pikas as pets are they like hamsters? answer: no they're chinchilla sized and NOT TAME!

Gledwood said...

Nicole: to be honest I can't believe I got out the front door let alone into the station haha!!

Clea: ta ;->...

Gattina: darling if I imagined I was the Queen I'd end up speaking even squeakier and more ridiculous than I already do: plus I'd need a tiara to stay in character...

Auds: I was quite impressed how casual it all was and how you can just glare in through great windows at other radio hosts...

Gledwood said...

Crystal: yeah I gotta think about how I get my own internationally syndicated $500million a year (gotta get pd more than Howard Stern) talk radio show... gotta start rackin' my brains NOW haha!

Cheezy: good!

Whitenoise: cheers I can't believe I actually went seriously I can't...

Vi: tar!

Gledwood said...

Eileen: yeah I know ha-har!!

Patti: felt like I was going to die of fear at one point to be honest

Calf: yeah they were rather stuck up well Fatterina was she kept sneering at me through the whole evening PLUS she supports Millwall FC

Debs: it's hard NOT to judge people on looks at all but I get what you mean... the only one who really didn't like me was fat woman she tried to shoot down half of what I said in flames as if her remark was the obvious fact of the matter and mine a retarded and superfluous observation silly cow I will get more for my memoirs than she will get paid in ten lifetimes so THAT will show her

Gledwood said...

Zen Wiz: it wasn't Lynx (isn't that deodorant-only? I ALWAYS go for the full pore-blocker antiperspirant or I reek)... no mine was Boots own. £1.29 and yukky maybe that's why Fatterina kept pulling faces at me, I LITERALLY nauseated her...

Sally: hey I'VE been IN to radio Norfolk to apply for work experience... wasn't too impressed by their unimaginative half-interesting talk/banter then "oh here's another record bc I need a piss or can't think of anything else to say for now" I find that bog standard radio format pathetic and don't get why it's considered "normal" it's an utter cop out! My friend went on and did a great interview. She sounded like a 22 year old Mrs Thatcher...

Akelamalu said...

I have a huge smile on my face after reading this Gleds. I am so proud of you. xxxx

Gledwood said...

Cheers dears! ;->...

Jeanette said...

Hi Gleds, Well done Im very pleased you went along.maybe you will get another call Good luck.. Take care..Gleds. Jan

Gledwood said...

Excellent. Thanks Jan!!

mago said...

Hei - just came back to see what happened, my last visit was when you spoke about the coming adventure.
I think you had to force yourself a lot and I hope it was worth it and other good things will come from it.
Would it okay to you if I would ad you to my "blogroll"?

Gledwood said...

yes of course you can blogroll me! I am most flattered

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood