HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, March 29, 2008

New Room: Laundretta's out!

I'VE GOT A NEW ROOM DOWNSTAIRS! I wish it was up but no such luck; it's down. Never mind. New room ahoy!!

EVILSTEIN, THE OILY LANDLORD'S EVIL HENCHMAN banged on my door when I was faster than lightspeed asleep this morning. He yelled at me, getting my name wrong as ever, "YOU and ALL YOUR THINGS must be OUT by MONDAY. ANYTHING LEFT OVER will be INCINERATE!! It SHALL BE DESTROY!!
MONDAY you move to downstairs. We knock your room Laundretta's room together by then. Do not go anywhere before then. Plus you open window evil smell in here." (It was his unwarranted, unasked for, unneeded, totally useless, over charged-for, hated, smelly, floor-cracking and dripping over eggy breakfast. THAT's what made revolting smells all over his yukky carpets...)

So I returned my yellow bucket of old works at the chief exchangery this morning and was heartened to see my own drugs worker on duty there. The one I have now is the best one I think I've ever had EVER. I'm serious. It's not just to do with willing to go the proverbial "extra mile" but to do with a psychical connexion. That kind of thing. That we have. And my former workers never had with me. Female workers, I might add, outnumber male workers 4:1 at the moment, which, I would expect, makes the emotionally constipated male junkieheartdom even more difficulted, complexicated and loath to communicate than ever before...

I told my worker everything that's been going on
, bothering me, bothering others and so-n-so, which is a lot. Laundretta's finally had enough with, as she alleges, Tubbystein from downstairs interfering with himself over her sleeping body in the night (well she did insist upon rowing with Matran then slooming on the stairs...)

The council's given her a small new room a couple of miles away in one of my former old Manors. Is it true I have a soft spot for Laundretta and it shows? I thought I came across as mocking her. I DO like Laundretta. Poor girl. She's one of the most emotionally damaged individuals I think I've EVER met in my own short life...

Now I have to quickly finish this post. Bottom line is, I have to get my old stuff out of my old room by Monday a.m., have things polished a-cleared out and all a-new by then... implication being (and I want to ask your advice upon this, please:) do yous all agree with me that I should do what I've always fantasized about yet never had the courage? That is, to take with me only what I really, truly need. To maybe bag up some more things safe and take with. But to leave a good half of my things behind me upstairs...

Please: if you've any feedback, please feed it back ASAP as I need it SOON. I've had a really difficult couple of years. Psycho'd out of my head at start. Staring at walls, rocking. Then THAT COUPLE's appearance and little to my distress they still surely added to it... I had an amazing dream about that last night...

I need to know what to do. I need the courage of your convictions, so if you ARE convinced I should just chuck and go; please tell me. I will gladly do it and move on...

New Song:
Mamas and Papas: Creeque Alley (technicolour tv performance)
Mamas and Papas: "Matt Mix" ~ sound only modernized version
...

40 comments:

jim dandy said...

Well Gleds, I think that would depend on your relationship with your landlord. Since you will not be leaving the building, you will have to continue dealing with the same landlord. Right?
However, traveling lite is good too. So, if you leave a big mess, it may take them awhile to clean up after you, thus giving you more time to come back and pick up more stuff that you forgot you needed in the first place.
Good Luck!

Gledwood said...

I get on with him DIRE and want to "travel LITE" if I can... I just lack the simple courage to do so! ooer!... :-<...

Gledwood said...

that was meant to say :-<...

Gledwood said...

hmmm.... boo-hoo It's late I'm TOO EXHAUSTED TO DO ANY BLOODY MOVING NOW ANYHOW!

Anonymous said...

CHUCK AND GO!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Can you still break in if run out of smalls? Take all your smalls even if they are on the chuck list beacsuse you might truly need them :) Landlord DID say "ANYTHING LEFT OVER will be INCINERATE!! It SHALL BE DESTROY!!"

THIS IS SO EXCITING!!!! Can you photograph the fire?

Vincent said...

Hey Gled. read yer call on my blog mate. If you have any stuff that you won't be using anymore, chuck it. Just think of things you haven't used the past 6-12 months maybe? Be careful with clothes though. Make sure you keep enough and make sure they still fit. Anything you don't fit, chuck it as well.

Like Jim said: try to not annoy the landlord too much. So anything you want to leave behind, bin it yourself, don't let him touch your old stuff. (Also don't give him the pleasure of burning your things either btw)

Throwing away things is hard (I dumped 1/3 of my belongings before immigrating, which was very hard for me) but try to be rational about it instead of emotional. If you don't see a future use for anything, get rid of it mate.

Good luck.

Oh, btw: I'd be happy with a downstairs apartment. It's safer, you can probably get out easier. And with lesser "stable" people living around you I think that's a good thing tbh.

Will your new room have a good lock on the door etc?

mellowlee said...

Hello Gled! I agree 100% with what Vincent says. Scaling down your possessions is very liberating. I've done it before and it really feels good!!!

XO Mel

Deb said...

I fantasize about ditching my "stuff" and starting over ...I've actually had thoughts of torching my place!!!

Sometimes the stuff around us keeps us stuck where we are and by clearing it out, we have a chance to wipe the slate clean and start over. Of course, don't leave anything with sentimental values attached...those can't be replaced and you'll regret it. All the rest is just "stuff"...leave it behind gleds!

Liz said...

You seem fired up to do a 'spring clean', gleds, so go for it! Keep clothes! Esp. undies! But if you're like me, you'll have accumulated all sorts of junk that 'may come in useful one day' when we know in our heart that it won't. So throw it.

I'm sorry I haven't been visiting much of late; life's been hectic and I've not been visiting anyone much. Not even writing as much as I usually do.

It's a shame you're not down here. In our community cafe we offer free internet access.

Nicole said...

Gled, de-cluttering and getting rid of things you're not really using makes you feel so much lighter. I would highly advise this. Just look at all your stuff and what ever you haven't used in quite a while just needs to go, there is nothing worse than hoarding or collecting "stuff" just because you think you might need it some day or because you haven't been able to part with it for irrational reasons.

I really am the queen of de-cluttering and throwing away and have very little attachment to possessions, albeit a few that I've been able to cart around the globe with me. All in all you'll feel better after a bit clean-up and chucking old stuff out gives you a sense of a fresh new start and I think it's motivating.

So my advice is, YES, throw everything away that you don't use on a regular basis. Keep things that you use every now and again, and stuff you haven't used in 6 months or more are most likely things that won't be used ever, so throw them out. That's basically the rule, if you're using it or will have a use for it in coming months, keep it, otherwise, bin it.

Good luck with the room and if you see Laundretta before she goes tell her I said hello, I will miss hearing about her adventures here. I wish her well.

Crushed said...

Well, the main reason I don't plan to move for a long time, is the amount of stuff I have. Last time I did, I got a mate who has a bathroom business. I told him I would be a couple of van trips.

Tiny understatement...

I'm a hoarder, so if it was me, no. It's always nice to know you have stuff you'll probably never use, but might.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. It's always been obvious that you had a soft spot for Laundretta! Yes, start a new life in the new room! Love from Sicily xx

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

PS: I used to believe all that San Francisco stuff too - if only!

-eve- said...

Hey... :-D
ai yah, it depends on who you are, Gled. I'm the kind who'd keep it all, just in case I needed it. I guess in this case, I'd do my best to sort through the stuff and discard what I really didn't need, but would end up keeping a whole lot....

Plus, being practical, leaving half your stuff would be a loss; you might as well sell it or give it away to charity, than let your landlord profit of you :-D

Bottom line; not leave half, but leave what you choose. I'd do my best to sort out the stuff and categorize it ;-)

molson said...

Lightening the load is always a good thing, but sometimes it is the most difficult thing to do. I am one of those people who can't throw anything out. If I think something has even the remotest value, I'll hang on to it. My tiny house is full of crap I don't need now or ever will need. It doesn't matter. I have to damn near kill myself to throw it out. Awful. It really is so cleansing to lighten the load... to slim down to the bare essentials. It is my dream. My fantasy. One day I will achieve it when I leave this physical existence, but probably not before. Shed what you can. Cleanse the soul. We were not intended to live in the physical world forever. All that we are now and all that we own were meant to be left behind. Not that it is necessarily all that relevant, but I once read that owing an aircraft was nothing more than having the right to take care of it for the next owner. Yes. I once owned an airplane. Now someone else owns that airplane and they can take can of it for the next owner barring some other unfortunate outcome. But doesn't that apply to all we own? If tomorrow I walked off into the mountains never to return, all that I own now will become someone else's burden and that which does not have value will be landfill. I on the other hand will be free. Glorious.

Was that just a little too deep? Sorry. Yeah, just get rid of some stuff.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I think you either take the lot or get rid of some yourself. They won't want to clean out the room themselves, so if you can, take most of it, as you never know when you will need it. I hope you enjoy the new room once you are settled. Not much notice for you, so take the essentials first (like the Robos) and the most important, then pack the rest and put it in a corner, until you decide. Thank you for your e mails and glad you have sorted out that Shepparton is 2 hours north of Melbourne.
BTW Our capital Canberra is half-way between Melb and Sydney, so that both states were happy.
Take care and good luck my friend,
You may get a new outlook from the move. Very best wishes, Merle.

Bimbimbie said...

Gleds I think it's come at the right time for you ... jump in to that new room, travel light with your little fur ball family under one arm and your cooking utensils under the other
and make good the new start *!*

...just laughing at anon bird ... is the new room directly under yours? .. if so linger in the hallway until the fire is out ;) x

M- Filer said...

You MUST free yourself of the excess! Everyone should. You know what you use/wear, over and over, the clothes and things you like:keep only this. Everything else is garbage, I know it is, and it just takes up space that would be better left empty, so that you can create fresh realities.

Are those actual photo's of your new space or are they stock?

The Phosgene Kid said...

Pack the extra stuff up in boxes, if you can do without it for a month, give the boxes away.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

You don’t seem to have a lot of time to make packing decisions. If I were you, I simply go with my gut feelings.

ERIC-USA said...

1. The Phillip's wrote the song while they were homesick for L.A. The Mamma and the pappas are a combination of the Journeymen and the Mugwumps. The song 'Creque Alley' tells you all about the band. Anyhow the first time it came out was when Barry Mc Guire was singing lead and everyone else was doing back-up on McGuire's album This Precious Time. Then the Mammas and Pappas released it and it became a hit in Boston and stayed at #4 on the charts for 17 weeks. I have about 12,000 Records in my home and I have to get rid of all of them if I want to move because they are like a boat anchor. Just a few questions from YOUR audiance: Do you live in a rehab house? A public housing? Where do you get your money to eat? In England do they have "food stamps" or a "food debit card" and where do you get your cash to stay well (I am assuming you are off the methdone now)......I am getting off because it made me gain 80 pounds and I feel like shit. I cant go back to banging because my veins ae like shit and after 10 shots I would have to start digging in my groin. The US is such a shitty place for anyone with problems and unless your family has money you might as well consider this a communist country. SOOOOOOO without revealing your exact wherabouts, please elnlighten this audience about your situation. GOOD LUCK! Eric

ERIC-USA said...

PS. Since Phillips (the couple in the band Mammas and pappas) the song technically is owned and credited to the newly formed band the Mammas and the Pappas

Janice said...

Hi,

It can be like a breath of fresh air to get rid of some clutter. I say chuck what you don't strictly need even if you have to toss it in the bin yourself.

Keep the necessities though, and remember everything but heirlooms are replaceable.

Janice~

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Gleds,
I think moving is a good opportunity to get rid of things that you no longer want. But make sure it isn't something you need or will need. Clothing especially winter clothing will be useful again even it doesn't seem like it now. Otherwise, yes, move light, use the opportunity to start anew. As some have said, it is liberating and you can start a new collection again.

Jeanette said...

GdaY Gleds, Take all you need including your Robo's and clean up and chuck the rest, less clutter is easier to keep clean. Take care
Your Aussie Friend ... Jan

Akelamalu said...

Got your message on my blog.

Leave anything you truly don't want behind and hopefully you can make a new start. Though to really do that you need to move to a different area and start a whole new life leaving your past behind m'dear. Any chance of doing that?

Gledwood said...

THANKS FOR THE ADVICE. I think I am going with the concensus (and bear in mind that many of my things are e.g. clothes with burn holes etc) I'm leaving anything with no apparent use behind. THEN I'm bagging everything in my room and chucking out. He's yet to hire a skip which is a shame as there will surely be a skip full of rubble eventually when the wall does come down... I wanted to just leave it all behind but you're right I still have that Evilstein landlord and so have to behave... the pictures are stock photos the new room is far far FAR tinier than those rooms ;->...

DoGGboy said...

Yes, I think de-cluttering and heading towards a more Buddhist lifestyle can only be a good thing.
ONLY as long as you recycle / dispose of correctly all the stuff you want to leave behind.

I constantly 'de-clutter', but then I suffer from OCD and a pinch of anal retentiveness :0)

Agh, messy surroundings, messy mind... "A clean desk is a sign of sick mind"

Emperor Ropi said...

enjoy the apartment

CrystalChick said...

Hi, I think that is the best decision, to try and let alot of things go that are not needed.
By giving alot of things away or throwing things out, it's making room in your life for other things to come, either new possessions, or other ways of thinking, etc. Very liberating.
Wishing you well. Peace, Mary

TOM said...

Gleds, I think you mde the right choice, why give the landlord a reason to get pissed off.!!

zen wizard said...

Score! Cool digs..

My first reaction was to say only take the stuff with you that you want, because most guys have too much stuff and less is more.

Two concerns:

1) Is there any way he could charge you for disposal of stuff?

2) Since you don't like this guy, I would not leave anything more valuable than a peppercorn 'cause these furriners from Bullshitastan have a way of selling stuff that is halfway worth a sack of horseshit to their camel-humper friends.

(Was that last part just a little xenophobic? I will probably regret it in the morning. Oh, well, screw it: Landlord's an asshole wherever he's from so don't leave anything he can pawn, hock, or smelt.)

Anonymous said...

Goodie!!! You are going with the concensus! Like Bimbimbie says, only take photos from the hallway until the fire is over and cross fingers the chuck stuff doesn't burn right back into your new place ;) It sounds to me Evilstein won't want to pay for the match, but like you say he'll need to do something with that wall he's knocking down ... or that will just be a cover up for your chuck stuff? Heehee It's still EXCITING!

Patti said...

Hmmmm I would take him up on his offer, move what I wanted and let him incinerate away what I did not! Best of luck to you hon!

sofia said...

you have an extraordinary sense of humour i must say...
a bit strange, but very funny in deed...
:)

Gledwood said...

Dogboy: tried to be as environmental as I could but in limited time only so much I could do. Still got derided by foreign ignorant landlord staff for THAT

Ropi: ta ;->...

Crystal: I liberated a lotta stuff, cheers!

Tom: yeah you're right. i reluctantly concede...

Gledwood said...

ZenWizz:
1. he cannot charge me for disposal of stuff I'm mostly chucking under his aegis ANYHOW..!!
2. dunno quite what "aegis" means but it sounds pretty pukka
3. as to your 2nd point: yeah I'm with you no point winding the c*** up for the sake of it much as I'd love to...

Anon: that bastard evilstein still hasn't sorted me out with a key for my own room a WEEK LATER

what he is i shan't say for the sake of non-offence but it rhymes with "hunt"

Patti: he ain't incinerated nothin'; the whole lot just got took away from our front "yard"... (no idea by who: probably illegally dumped and I hope someone dredges our addresses from the paperworks I chucked mixed in with everything harhar!!)

Sofia: o! Sofia darling you'll get used to me...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

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Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood