THE DEALERS HAVE BEEN HAMMERING at my phone this morning all declaring "mine's pukka ~ proper sizes ~ I've got both ~ etc etc". I get barely half an hour's break before someone else takes up the cause. Already I'm a fifth of a gram heavier and £7.50 lighter. Someone else wanted me to test his batch and give marks out of ten ~ for free, whoopee!! ~ and sounded really put out when I gave it a six. I was being diplomatic: actually it was closer to a four-and-a-half...
I promised myself I would not waste any more time and energy negotiating a drugs drought, which is what appeared to be happening. Though 150kgs, if I got my sums right, would last the UK's estimated 300,000 heroin addicts a mere one or two days. Even if that seizure was bound for London alone (it was discovered in East London: Forest Gate) then London would surely have got through it within a week...
I've a new drug worker whose foreign name I still cannot recall ~ sounds like Maple Syrup or something. Throughout our inaugural chat she kept huffing "you must address this" and "I am not at all happy about that" and "why are you drinking so much again?" (ten cans a week even though they're high alcohol 7.5% cyder hardly makes me alcoholic of the year. I'm not that much outside the recommended units guidelines and at least I was honest enough to fess up. If she's going to jump on everything I say and criticize I'm just going to feed her porkie-pies... which isn't really going to help either of us.
I walked away feeling she was determined to break me. Mild mannered I may be, but anyone who knows me well will agree that I can be extraordinarily stubborn and will not be pushed around by someone who's working for the satisfaction of their own ego (as I began to suspect she might possibly be...) I will not be "broken" by anyone...
Then again, on waking at the lovely sociable hour of 4:30 I got to musing, "maybe I want to be broken just this once..." broken and fixed up again nice and clean and normal and recovered... Perhaps, just perhaps this drugs worker might be able to help me in that. But "at the end of the day" (as the massively over-used saying goes) any change I achieve is going to be all down to me. To sort out. To stick with. And to force through... As an old university friend of mine used to say, who sadly had an eye condition which was going to result in almost certain complete blindness within a matter of years: We're all alone in the dark...
Do you like my new antidrugs videos, kids?
Here's one I got labelled CNN from America...
THIS IS NOT what heroin does to brain and body. How can I say that? Because millions of people have been given heroin ("diamorphine") in British hospitals~ and survived without their shells broken. It's the most effective painkiller there is.
But the rest of this commercial, in my opinion, is pretty much bang-on.
Have a look at my Price of Heroin clip (top of sidebar, can't miss it). Why on earth that girl weighs just over 4 stone I've no idea. Heroin doesn't do that... maybe she's heavily into crack, which really does wipe out the appetite... maybe she's anorexic... maybe she's HIV... maybe all three, who knows. I just know documentary-makers love showing an oversimplified gloss on the subject. But, as the saying goes, if that film keeps just one child away from drugs then it's surely worthwhile...
I found a fascinating documentary about the famous or infamous Golden Triangle opium Lord Khun Sa ~ which means Prince Prosperous. The journalists went right up over the border into the Shan Province where he's de-facto monarch, looking after his people, as he'd put it, with his own 20,000 strong army. I love the sinster Buddhist-chants motif they bring up whenever they want to evoke "scary"! Sorry the twonk who loaded this up specifically had "embedding disabled by request" (why do people do that?) but click here and you can see the half hour Burma-thon in its entirety...
PS I'VE still not given in on my "no more crack" resolution... wahey!!!!
PPS Amazing garden pictures alert. In my bloghop today I encountered this blog with flowery-leafy-traily snaps of the grounds at Whitworth Hall Co Durham...
Writing group
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It was fab! In spite of me getting there a bit late as I'd offered to pick
someone up and I had an argument with sat nav over which way to go. We both
go...
5 hours ago
15 comments:
Propaganda works or they wouldn't use it. I think in regards to drugs a mixture of facts (a cop came to primary school with samples, pamphlets with the history and chemical makeup and effects of drugs), the movie Go Ask Alice, and watching my brother were propaganda enough. I was messed up enough without drugs and besides, alcohol did the trick for me.
Alcohol... mmmm... I used to think it SO boring, then I realized it itched a spot I only realized wanted itching after heroin... then the 2 substances kind of tangoed hand-in-hand...
You DO want to be "broken", don't you?
Can't you change your phone number so the dealers can't tempt you that easily?
Yes I could change my number: more to the point I have to tell any friends I DO give it to NOT TO KEEP PASSING IT ON TO DEALERS which is what's constantly happened in the past
as for being "broken" not really. they say you have to "be willing to go to any lengths" to get clean so maybe if that's what it takes... but no someone "breaking me" that SO MUCH is not my style even though I do so thoroughly enjoy playing laid back and passive I'm not ACTUALLY like that at all at heart
the worst I can see with this new worker is an unspoken war breaking out and she WILL NOT break me
i will submit to change but i WILL NOT BE BROKEN BY A SELFISH BITCH DRUG WORKER no way hose, not unless it's really my last straw situation...
Please change your number so you can't be tempted. I don't think someone can 'break' you or anyone. If you give up drugs it will be by your own doing, I'm not sure you want to give them up :(
Good job on staying off crack!
= )
NO Crack - big tick . .still buying . .big no no. Seriously, give the drug worker a chance. Her approach might be different but you never know. Turn off your phone. If it's a mobile, ignore the dealer's calls.
Maybe you should reconsider your definition of friend if they can't be trusted not to give your number out to the people you get your junk from. Just sayin is all. Try the drug worker Gledwood. At this point it seems like you don't really have much of a choice if you are committed to getting clean.
Well done staying off the crack, Gleds. I don't think that social worker is for you she arouses negative feelings, Gleds. The whole point is to have someone you're comfortable with but who won't let you get away with porkies. Personality clashes happen...request a different social worker. Good luck.
Glenwood. Find non-user friends. Stay away from users. Don't answer calls from dealers. Tell them you're not using anymore and not to call you anymore. Tell them it's not personal just stay away. I don't want to sound critical...I don't think you need anymore criticizing, you've got enough with the selfish bitch drug worker.
Maybe the [selfish bitch drug worker] isn't really a bitch at all. Maybe she's insecure and criticizes everyone. Use the Robo technique. Ask her how she is...[genuinely concerned face] and if everything's okay. If she asks you why you asked ...just tell her that she seems a little stressed. [again concerned face]. Act like a little Robo...kinda sweet and furry-like. Maybe she'll think you care and stop being so bitch-like. Unless she really is just a freakin' bitch and then you'll have to use another technique. We can call this one the Romeo technique [lol].
Just don't let her upset you to the point you use her as a reason to change your direction. Puss-in-Boots might be right, you might consider requesting a different worker.
Here's a link to a video that reminds me of my daughter and what our family went through with her, honestly it makes me cry when I watch it because its like I'm there. She acted so crazy and I would try to keep her from leaving the house-I didn't know what was wrong with her.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZeSER3t04Y
The price of heroin clip...that girls got anorexia for sure...it almost makes me sick watching that video.
Stay Safe.
I don't know if I can add anything to this, but just stay the course. Don't get tangled up buying again, and please stay clean.
Janice~
Completely understand the not wanting to be 'broken' part...seems to me that would be a difficult recovery. Question is, are you getting what you want? If not, perhaps a new approach...
Hey! Thanks for leaving me such nice comments. I'm reading thru your blog right now. Very interesting!
Laura
Akelamalu: not enough
Lucinda: ;->...
Baino: the worker might just be different. i am highly cynnical about her. one thing i did notice she does not listen
Eileen/Reeny: fellow user then not friend
Pussinboots: I might well have to ask for another one
MDA: the worker never listened to me though that made me think... hmmm. very hard for a user to get nonusing friends though I know the answer ~ stop
Janice: %->...
Prickly: don't know if I'm getting what I want
L: cheers
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