HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, January 05, 2009

Excitement at the Trottery!

EYES ARE GLEAMING, ears pricking up (why do hamsters poke up their ears when a good dinner's to hand ~ what's to listen to? ~??!?) Yes Bill Oddie's own brand, the poshest birdseed £££ can buy with about 10 different mixed grains in it... the Rolls Royce of all robo-banquets is proceeding as we speak.



That's why I didn't want Trill, which is just millet for budgies, or cheapest, sour-looking grade C rubbish from the petshop up the road. The "I'm so busy and I don't suffer fools (I also never listen to people)" Countess Arrogant who works there insists on selling a minimum 1-kilo bag, which would last my hamsters months.

Weight for tubby weight Bashful, Itchy and Spherical are by far the most voracious nibblers of all the furry animals I've ever had. They weight not much more than an ounce apiece and yet they devour their own weight in cereals in less than a fortnight... if not a week. So-called "experts" say you should not overfeed seeds as the high fat content will make the hammies too tubby! I think hamsters are smart enough to pick out whatever they need from a balanced diet of birdseeds, hammy mix, biscuits, breakfast cereals, bread crusts, chocolate drops and pumblechooks...

... besides I've noticed a high-birdseed diet gives 'em gorgeously glossy fur. OK I know this is totally irrelevant to anything but I found this whilst searching out a clip of an escaped horse trotting through a picture-house ... supposedly while a film was running. The entire lot was captured on CCTV... according to the Sun newspaper. Instead I found this: not that I can preach about high speed rail being far better than cars coming as I do from Britain which is low-speed central. Our ONLY fasttrack being the one directly OUT of the country to Belgium and France; how embarrassing is THAT..???!?

No drugs today. I've been meaning for quite some time to post an "I think my child's using heroin! What do I do?!" parental guide. My blog was originally intended to be an information crossroads for drugs issues of all kinds but addiction and recovery in particular. Well I'm still working on that one and this afternoon I scrawled out a Facts and Stats about Heroin post that just shouts drugs Drugs DRUGS! Too much for me today. Specially as I'm quitting crack today (remember I said I'd taken to using just once a week? That once a week would have been today and it's not happening any more. Just writing it makes me want to cheat and use again... But I really don't want to use. I gave up crack for over a month last time, my willpower only sabotaged when a dealer gave me a free bit... I can live perfectly well without crack... it's just thinking about it winds me up and makes me want it. I knew that dealer was playing games who held out his hand saying "pay me for it later"... and then having a dealer so near I could score within 1 minute flat really did my head in, not to mention reducing resolutions to ashes. Now I want control back. Kicking in crack is a major way of achieving this even if I DO leave myself a raving heroin junkie who's fighting THAT addiction a little less satisfactorily. One thing at a time, as they say.

And with that thought I'll love yaz and leave yaz. L8RS!
Gleds ;->...


PS See how quick the robos run around in the top one? THAT is why Itchy was so impossible when she turned escapee....

PPS And last but not least: LOOK AT THIS! I've always wanted a basket full of furries ~ just imagine keeping this pinging pile of pets..!!

10 comments:

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

You're insane for hamsters huh? Check my blog out in about 5 minutes and I will post something that will make you so angry....

Akelamalu said...

I know nothing about drugs but I know that dealers give freebies to keep people coming back. I'm glad to hear you're giving up crack, it's a good start m'dear.

Gledwood said...

AR: OK then...

Akelamalu: yes that was a heroin dealer just being evil :-<...

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Nothing but the best for those hammies, Gleds.

One thing at atime, as you say.

Gledwood said...

Aye!

Noah said...

I always thought that anything over 80mg of 'done caused the blockade effect, this being that the heroin cannot get to those little receptors because 'done has a high affinity for them. How much 'done are you taking on a daily basis Gledwood old chap?

CrystalChick said...

What cute and funny little furry babies in that last video!
Happy New Year!
Wishing you peace and whatever makes you happy. Take one day at a time.

Liz Hinds said...

What well-fed hammies you have. Do they know how lucky they are?

Well done on the crack front. Why does that sentence just sound wrong?!!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Don't let those bloody leeches of pushers know you're trying to kick the habit, Gleds. Profit's the name of the game for them and all they'll see is one more escaping from their clutches and less money for them. Keep the bastards at arm's length and don't tell 'em a thing and...best of luck with it all.

Baino said...

Aww babies in a bowl is so cruel. Poor likkle pingers. Two words for your sampling dealer and they begin with "F" and "O". I buy wild birdseed for the parrots and it's pretty cheap, about $8 (two pounds sterling) for a 15 kilo bag. Thing is the bastard cockatoos pick out all the sunflower seeds, they're the ones that have the highest oil content - good for glossy coats.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood