ALL OF A SUDDEN I FEEL STRANGELY EXPOSED, making progress in my drugs-fight and reporting online. Cocaine, or more to the point, crack, has long been a feature of my life, holding hands with heroin and tangoing together as daily speedballs in certain years gone by. More recently I was reduced to Snowball Mondays. I'd buy just enough crack for one nice little pipe, then crush the rest into heroin, to make into snowballs.
Cocaine intensifies the effect of heroin and just like butter on bread or sugar in coffee, the combinations's hard to give up once you've picked up a taste.
An old drugs worker put it best: "Crack just separates you from your money as quickly as possible. And it makes you use even more gear."
Although I've usually had the control to keep my spend at £10 or £20 and then leave the crack alone (people who insist on buying the smallest amount then saying "let's get some more!" and "let's get some more!" really annoyed me. I always saw the high of crack as temporary and false and thus far easier to see "through" than my beloved heroin, who's done everything to make my life the garden of delights it is today. Ooo! Is Gledwood being sarky here?!
Now back to crack. I managed to beat it back to a single day a week and when it wasn't that day even if I had the dollars I didn't feel tempted. Compartmentalizing life is one thing I'm good at, so I found myself sticking to this rule without much trouble.
Also I was so unused to exercising any moral gumption it made a spiriting change actually to make a decision and prove I could stick by it.
But of course my Crack Mondays have been sabotaging all attempts to steer heroin clean. Because come the weekend's end ~ and Sundays have always been miserable for me ~ and I'm always broke ~ I'm suddenly chucked into the glory of a monday morning with money and a double temptation and so I always gave in, and so the only pattern I made in life was circular: a vicious circle too!
So you see that little bit of coke was far more of an issue than it might seem at a casual glance. I didn't dare post this much yesterday because my inner demons love so much making me a hypocrite. I can just imagine posting "I did it!" then running straight to the dealer. As soon as addiction flourished in me so too did an inner gremlin who seemed to spiritedly enjoy chucking my resolutions to the wall. After all I'd lost so very many dignities there was no way now I could do without the consolation of drugs cushioning my fall. And so I didn't. And so I lost the power to resist.
Please don't misunderstand me: I'm not saying "I've done it. I've kicked the crack"; I never can. (You can only ever do it day by day...) But I managed it yesterday and that felt like some achievement...
hey! Now I can throw out my crack bottle collection (they were brandy miniature like the three to the top left pictured). I need the drawer space and I don't need the reminder.
I STILL FEEL SHAKY WHEN I SAY ALL THIS. Something in me just wants to sabotage and cheat. I'm a drug addict! How can I ever trust myself again?
OK: before this post turns viciously circular as well I'm going to ping off like a roborovski.
19 comments:
Gleds, staw away from Crack.
It has to be the most evil drug there is. Much nastier than heroin.
It takes people over and really does turn them into people who can think no l;onger than the time period it takes to inhale and exhale.
Fingers crossed, mate!
o yeah that's true; crackheads are really irritating!
Hey you!!! Happy New Year??? I'm happy to hear you're trying again!!! :-) Be well and take care of yourself, you're worth it!!!
Peace
cheers :->
Day by day Gledwood. There is no other way to do it. Hope u can get over the crack, I see people in my hood all the time jacked up on that shit and it DOESN'T look like fun. Have a good one.
crack is whack!
as crackhead whitney houston declares!
yeah this is me i'm just not logged in
I am also guilty here as I like a bit of coke mixed with my smack from time to time...it just makes it more better indeed...
Great, you did it yesterday, you can do it today if you really want to. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you m'dear. x
I have no real experience of drugs (other than the odd spliff, and the multitude of stuff I have witnessed other's partaking in), so I feel any comment I make is pretty pointless, worthless and useless. Cos I don't really know what I'm talking about.
However, I'm not one to give up!
I know nothing about crack, heroin (other than seeing a guy die in the street last week after a fix)or any other hard drug. The ones I battle with are alcohol and cigarettes. Pretty lame, I guess, in your world, eh? But I do feel that every drug is an addiction (be it legal or not) and we are all facing the same battles. The battle to be free of them, and free to live our lives like we see other peole living theirs.
Good luck. xxx
Ok, Gleds. That's the first Monday without it...as you say, day by day. But...it's a start and a good one. Keep going, my friend. You have plenty of support through your blog.
Like everyone else says, it's a start. And starting off on anything is always a little shaky and makes you a little unsure. But the truth is, if you stick to it and believe in yourself, you can accomplish anything Gled. Sure, it's cliché, but so is taking it "one day at a time" and if a cliché can help you out in life, then what's the harm in it? I'm rootin' for ya Gled!
I join in the chorus with everyone else here Gleds - you done it once, you can do it again and again.
I'm sending positive thoughts your way and I sincerely wish you the best of luck.
Think of yourself as a Warrior fighting a war against a Demon. Get the &*%$£@! decked and keep it there!
M x
I have never asked you this, but undoubtedly others have: Are you opposed to 12 step programs? Would you consider that as an option for getting clean?
Noah: it can also make doing just the one very boring indeed ~ so be careful!
Akelamalu: today won't be a problem, I promise you, as the "day to do it" has passed. Next Monday will be far trickier...
Elaine: alcohol is just as much "drugs" as "drugs" are... cigs are addictive though not really mood altering... they're still difficult enough to stop though, aren't they!
Pussinboots: I know I do thanks :->
DT: accomplish anything physically doable... like giving up crack is...
Miladysa: OK I will. Unfortunately drugs demons tend to be like the ones in the films that "die"... then the next thing you know they're stirring, standing, brushing themselves down and fighting another day!
MFiler: no not opposed but a little bit cynnical. You could say it's the people rather than the programme... e.g. people having a nip of brandy at a party and going "I've relapsed! So I'm going to spend the next 2 years back on heroin and crack!!"... I've seen THAT one happen (been to enough meetings...)
The old 'one day at a time' sounds so cheesy, but its true - and with some things and on some days the best any of us can do is 'one minute at a time'.....but it does make a hard thing alot more manageable - and youre doing it! We are all cheering you on, keep strong Gledwood!
And your Robos are just the most adorable thing on four paws!!!
hellooo. Just wanted to stop by and let you know im reading. I need to catch up. I think you are the most peppy and cheeri-est of the junkie bunch. Take care-
april =D
fair enough
At least it felt 'like an achievement' relish in the moment Roboman. Oh, my nephew apparently doing lines in London. His family are blissfully unaware and I'm in a conundrum, do I tell? Do I stay quiet and treat it as a recreational thing. I'm torn. Possibly because I've never 'seen' him do it but know he does. I've seen him high on party poppers but . . GAH!
Post a Comment