HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Lovely Pus

SLIGHT LEA & PERRINS CRISIS... I've about 2 dashes left... and NONE of the local shops here seems to stock it... I didn't bother asking as didn't want to do through "it looks like soy sauce but comes in an orange bottle and doesn't taste like it" rigmarole with someone who grew up about 3000 miles away (Eastwards)...

I met Valium Marilyn today. About a year ago she had an operation on her eye. I'm not sure exactly what they did but she used to say it "looked like there's clingfilm over there"... and they "took it off"... now she has a great (not to see but to the touch) lump on the bridge of her nose and her eye... though not literally "black" looks red right round and under... as if she had a black eye 2 or 3 weeks ago. It looks infected. I said don't rub your eye and go to Moorfields (London's eye hospital) for antibiotics. Her own doctor sounds useless.

Talking of lumps. Someone sent me a marvellous link to an abscess being popped. (Click here to view.) It's absolutely glorious... even I felt slightly sick and I love watching a good abscess go (long as it's not MY pain in the process... hmmmm....) having said that and I'll try and cut a long story short I have quite a funky one myself. Totally unimpressive in the abscess scheme of things (because they can get 4 inches or more wide mine is nothing like that... the other day I injected in a "vein" I thought I saw on my left arm. Whatever happened it missed or blew and my arm went all swollen and quite painful. Then it seemed to be okay and on another vein hunt nearly a week later I shoved the needle in another thread that was right near the blow-out but I was convinced was running in the opposite direction. (Blood from veins runs TOWARDS the heart, but if the vein's tracking sideways you can't always tell which direction the blood's flowing ...) How wrong I was. The "hit" seemed to go in (with much pain)... and blew the arm up even more. Within a couple of hours it was mottled purple (not the hole arm, just a patch)... like raspberry ripple icecream... then a day or two later it blew up into a BLISTER like a burn. Of course a few days later (and I did NOT pick it ~ as a certain nurse accused me) the blister rubbed off just from changing clothes... now it's come up in a scab only about an inch or so by an inch or so but with swollen bright red inflamation all round it. My drugs worker insisted on showing it to the nurse "it's gone black!" I heard her exclaim when she thought I couldn't hear (it's not "black" it's just a bloody old scab! Anyway I was told I DO have an abscess there and have to be really careful not to "cross-infect" and go to my doctor (as if!) if nothing "improves" in 2 days... hmmm. Funky? Or not? You decide.

That's about all I have to say today. I was going to post something about an old b'stard who totally annoyed me the other night I am still stewing the girl in the local shop knows him and says in so many words don't even waist your time thinking about people like that ... she has a good point.

O yeah and I cleaned out my robos which made them go pinging supreme! They were rushing round and round like a mini horse race. Then Spherical got on the wheel which she seemed to believe would transport her to the restaurant at the end of the universe. Unfortunately Itchy's back leg was caught on the central spindle, her front leg on the outer wheel. It took nearly six revolutions to free herself (poor swine!) then I took Pingpong the Chinese hamster out for a "ping"... which made the robos really intrigued (when I introduced them. Without letting go of Pingpong). Akh! Now I HAVE to go my brains are too frazzled with thinking. And pus. (Maybe...)_¬

ps the illustration is NOT my arm but the nearest approximation I could find online...

(for one thing that arm has a massive bloody great vein running along it... nonscarred, noncollapsed... definitely not MY arm!!)

15 comments:

Patti said...

Ewwww you said "pus" LOL

Akelamalu said...

I knew I shouldn't but I just couldn't help myself. Now I'm sorry I did - watch that video of the abcess! Your arm swelling up is trying to tell you something Gleds - don't inject.

Take (more) care of yourself - you're on my Distant Reiki list honey. x

Eileen said...

Uhm....gross. Have you ever seen the film Requiem for a Dream? The abcess in that film is pretty nasty. I watched that film on a first date (which was rather uncomfortable to say the least) - i do not recommend it as a first date film. I don't know what to say...abcesses are NOT cool. Get better and don't let it go to the point where you will have to get your arm cut off.

Vi said...

Ew... seriously...eeewwwwww!

Deb said...

why did I click that link? Seriously ewww is right.

gled I'm scared about this stuff with you...go easy, alright (nag over)

Janice said...

Hi,

You be more careful with the needles okay?

My veins blew out when I was in the hospital having my daughter; I got dehydrated and the nurses thought they'd re-hydrate me through my veins--pop! They got three before my husband got mad and told them to "get someone who knew what they were doing!!!"

Yay, that's my man!

Now here's something for you;
Give this heart ♥ to
every person you care about
including me if you care.
Try to collect 12 ♥
Its not easy so giving you this dare.

Janice~

mutleythedog said...

Nasty video - but I hope you a bit better soon.

Gledwood said...

Patti: pus? what's the fuss..?

Akelamalu: I know it is... I've not picked it but have given it a good squeeze... no squirty-pus joy though

Eileen: I would love to see Requiem for a Dream I've heard about that many times...

do you know what I still remember seeing/reading the original reviews of many films that turned out to be classics... all the reviewers can do (usually) is find something to pick holes in. which says so much more about film reviewers than the films they review

Vi: yummmm!!

Gledwood said...

Debs: I didn't realize how many people would click it... I do like the bit when it goes into closeup and a load more splurges out... me/needles... yeah I know...

Janice: OK I will try the heart thing...

they popped your veins with a rehydration drip? surely the veins they went in were too thin (as in minor veins) or they wanted to adjust the dripping to as low as possible ... eejuts!

Mutley: I slept like a dead log last night... woke up screaming from a dream about Satanic abuse colony situation...

Gledwood said...

EILEEN:... aark! how typical me missing your biggest point... I once accidentally went in an artery it was like having an elephant sit on my hand I really thought I was going to have to go A&E (ER) thankfully it started going down within an hour or two... my hand was white and dead looking like frozen meat so I see what you mean. I quite like having 2 arms... I know 2 people who've lost legs. I quite like having 2 legs, too...

Nicole said...

Am sorry to hear about you vein troubles. I guess the only thing you can do about an abscess yourself is apply a hot-pack and then drain when ready. I would also recommend Tea Tree Oil from Australia, it's a fantastic disinfectant. I used it after my operation last year on a wound that was left open to heal itself on my bellybutton. I applied the Tea Tree Oil around the edges and very lightly on the wound with a cotton bud, it helped to keep it infection free and it dried it out so it healed faster. It's also pain and sting free (unlike alcohol and other antiseptic stuff).

tut-tut said...

http://visualthesaurus.com/?w1=suppurate

Gledwood said...

Nicole: I used to have teatree soap... I SHOULD have the oil but despite boxes full of old rubbish most of the USEFUL stuff from my old house seems to have walkaboutied... my abscess thing isn't that bad it only looks like a really sore scab with red round it I'm sure if I picked it pus would come out but I'm grown up enough not to pick things now!!

TutTut: let me (try) to look at that again.. last time I attempted the computer went berzerk

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood