Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog)

HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

FREEDOM! AND GOOD HEALTH!! (Not mine: he said it did NOT look infected; but prescribed 2x250mg flucloxacillin x4 a day anyway to stop this...) What he did say is it was the consequences of injecting bad drugs "heroin does not do this" he said pointing at the blisters, which have been packed under special drainage pads. "If this does get infected or you continue injecting in that leg it could go necrotic." Which means dead flesh and I've seen and smelt it it's absolutely vile. It's like an ulcer that never heals. So that told me!! (I have to say for "not infected" it looks remarkably colourful. Bright red patches, purple bits, dead-looking white bits (not "necrotic" open sores) all warbled and marbled. Ukk. I'm not saying anything more. This happened at casualty/A&E/ER by the way and I have an appointment for a consultant to see it on Friday... I'm so glad I'm not stuck in there I had visions of carting a drip stand downstairs twenty times daily for cigarettes (found it hard enough going without in casualty)... I have to go I am exhausted. Whoopee!!!
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16 comments:

tut-tut said...

Well, keep it drained, or covered, or whatever you're supposed to do . . .

20 February 2008 at 22:26
tsduff said...

Sounds awful. Hope you get better soon - no foolin around for you!

21 February 2008 at 00:07
Anonymous said...

YOU'RE ALIVE and puffing on a ciggie *phew!* Thanks for the colourful description, it made my day *vomit!* There is a Love and Peace tag for you at the Twit Blog but good idea for you to rest (I'm also not in a very loving mood right now) ... HURRAH to your recovery! :)

21 February 2008 at 00:39
Anonymous said...

All I can say is... ouch!

I read the last three posts in a row and sorry you had to get through the usual waiting/ stupid docs etc. thing. And the guy who "hoped" for an anal abscess :D

Hope you get better soon. Glad you took care of it.

21 February 2008 at 03:21
Janice Seagraves said...

Hi,

Take care of that leg, an infection is something you don't want to mess around with.

Janice~

21 February 2008 at 04:34
M- Filer said...

Well isn't that lovely. I guess you better stick with the good stuff if the bad stuff is gonna cause you to turn colors.

I'll send you some healing energy from the States.

God Speed!

21 February 2008 at 04:49
Anonymous said...

I agree with anonymous "YOU'RE ALIVE and puffing on a ciggie *phew!* "............I had a spontaneous pneumothorax (collapsed lung) from smoking and never smoked again; except a splif now and again). I am on 140 a day of methadone split and I feel fine; no cravings. I am given catapress .01 in case I feel sweaty/anxious at night. Do you shoot in the groin? How can you find all these veins all over your leg. I could never find my groin vein.......Can you please enlighten us all on how to properly do a groin shot so that nobody reading your blog will loose a leg. Anyhow brother, keep up the fight; I pray everyday they will come up with a pill for opiate addiction and associated depression. HUGS XXXX Eric in USA (Indianapolis) Home of the last Super Bowl winners, the Colts.

21 February 2008 at 09:04
lettuce said...

i'm glad you've got some proper treatment at last - sounds painful and horrid and i hope its much better fast.

and so sorry about Mother H. i hope she will also get good treatment and help....

:o(

21 February 2008 at 09:31
Audrey said...

Yes Whoopee!!! Now rest well. Pity about the jelly and pie though and I so agree with Eric usa that it would be wonderful if they could come up with a wonder pill..in the meantime keep fighting for freedom...Gosh beginning to sound like wolfie smith from that telly programme years ago....lol

21 February 2008 at 10:31
Nicole said...

I'm relieved to hear that it's not as bad as you thought!

21 February 2008 at 13:15
Gledwood said...

TutTut: "keep the packing on till the appointment tomorrow (friday"!)

Tsduff: yeah. what else can i say?

Anon: i know... live enough to smoke: what a contradiction...

Zhu: does hurt maybe tomorrow i finally get some real and PROPER answers...

21 February 2008 at 15:25
Gledwood said...

Janice: they put me on the strongest "normal" dose... apart from infection of the bones and heart itself...

Mfiler: 'course I vaguely "know" but what PRECISELY does "God speed" actually mean..? I'm fascinated!!

Eric: Man we do not have superbowl over here only world cup/European crap soccer....

groin injecting I do NOT do... you want to be seriously careful pronging round there!

all I know (and this is all i "KNOW" I cannot vouch for these facts)... ARE:

NAVEL...= "nerve artery vein empty lymph"... working (obviously) from the navel out...

go straight in that is at right angles not the normal injection slant... in a t shape to the skin... use a detachable orange on a 1ml or 2.5 ml detachable barrel

the detachable orange is slightly longer and about 1/3 thicker than the all-in-one insulin syringe most junkies use...

if a detachable orange really won't work you can try a blue needle ... just have a LOOK at this monster it is SCAREY.... ENORMOUS...

don't count on me LOOK IT UP YOURSELF and don't count on one source. go to the internet and go to the drugs service

American hospitals drugs services seem to be even more puritanical than here... do they REALLY call police on suspected ODs?

man that would NEVER happen here : unless small kids were involved or LOTs of ods happend in same place or something else suspicious... police here REALLY not interested in someone's petty drug use even if it is heroin

lettuce: I don't know about Mother H to be honest... I am going to consultant tomorrow bc basically i have to to get proper diagnosis

21 February 2008 at 15:33
Gledwood said...

Audrey: yeah even if i HAD gone in I would have missed the bloody last foodround and they're not into "feed the junkie" they would rather underprescribe and leave ppl like me to suffer

Nicole: think // hope it is over the worst. ta! ;->...

21 February 2008 at 15:35
Gledwood said...

ps ERIC: if you're minded to attempt groin you REALLY wanna double check that "navel" thing i have no idea if it's right...

Mother Hubbs was in prison... some EEJUT BITCH tried to do her groin with citricated nasty brown heroin MISSED in her groin she HIT THE ROOF...: be careful!

21 February 2008 at 15:37
Akelamalu said...

They didn't keep you in then! I hope you will do as you're told and your leg will get better. x

21 February 2008 at 18:43
Gledwood said...

it IS getting better. seemingly... very slowly...

22 February 2008 at 14:48

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood