HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Run Down

VERY RUN DOWN and exhausted today. No idea why. Went to bed spectacularly early (about 8pm) and slept through. How glad I was not to be disturbed. It's a nasty day and empty. I just want to go back to bed. Outside it's chilly. I would like a plast of intellectual chicken-mushroom-peppers fried rice (slice the mushrooms realy thin) and Lea & Perrins these and the chicken towards the commencement of frying...

Not a lot else to say. STILL no sign of my phone's owner and it's been switched on all this time...

... I agree with the person who suggested requesting they post up my tubby trotters' video as a reward for their phone's safe return. But they have to call me first! Surely the very first thing you DO upon losing a mobile phone is to call it straight back to find out where on earth it's got to..? Or maybe this person's stinking rich, has another five to spare in different sock drawers and just does not care..? Who knows?

Better go now. O, what a dismal day..!!...

Drugs News:
Weak Heroin Badly Manufactured More Often Than Deliberately Adulterated

Daily Blog Choice:
Glacier Photo Blog

21 comments:

tut-tut said...

Hmm; did you look to see if there is an address book within the phone? Perhaps you should, and then call when of the numbers on it . . .

I'm sorry you're feeling blah; keep resting and getting your dressings changes properly.

Gledwood said...

Everything in the phone appears to be empty (which is v odd. Almost as if the person was carrying the phone round for the sake of it and not using it...) And when I thought someone WAS calling me it was just an alarm!

Nessa said...

Have you tried calling the phone company and let them notify the owner?

It's lovely and cold here. I want to go back to bed myself.

Anonymous said...

It's a pay and go phone I'm going to look again when I get back. Like I said I already HAVE a phone I don't need 2

Akelamalu said...

Maybe as you say they have plenty of money and don't want the phone. Sorry you're feeling down. x

Zen Wizard said...

Thanks for the photos--I am filing them away in a little file I call the, "Al Gore Is Really Full of It-Department."

darkfoam said...

it's this time of the winter..
dreary, blah ..
cold, damp..
it's hard not to have the blahs and feel run down.
i do hope you get over feeling blah soon though.

you know ..
i had hamsters growing up as a child.
never more than one at a time though. each one of them was called goldie.

The Phosgene Kid said...

unlocked cell phone? sounds as though it is time for some long distance hi-jinks.

Vi said...

sounds like you've had too much sleep!

Monogram Queen said...

That is so weird about the phone. I am craving thai food badly right now.

Penny from Enjoying The Simple Things said...

Even though Feb is the shortest month of the year, it seems the longest! Don't let the cold weather get you down...Spring will be here soon.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Hope you visit again soon.
Penny

Indigo said...

Hi! I just wanted to say thanks for visiting my blog today :)

mellowlee said...

Aw, I hope ur feelin better soon Gled. Chin up buddy, it's almost Spring! XOXO

Anonymous said...

I hope tomorrow is a much better day for you!

debi9kids said...

Very interesting about the phone. Maybe a drug dealer's phone! You know how on tv they just throw their phones away so the police don't find them??? (or is that just here in the states?)
Wanted to thank you for stopping by my blog and to tell you I answered some of your questions. (good ones too!)

This link will take you to it (I think. LOL)
https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=824539584758472538&postID=8993792459333066797

Anonymous said...

It's the LAST day of Summer in Australia!!! Blah.

Jeanette said...

Gday Gleds, Sorry your feeling BLAH.. cheer up mate spring is in the air.
If the person wants phone they will ring to see were it is or who has it.. ill be back to read what ive missed.. stay happy

Gledwood said...


Akelamalu: maybe they DO how can anyone be so laid back about something like that? I don't get it

Zen Wizz: Al Gore! Ha!! He'd rather be preacher than president and I can see just why!

Foam: I had about 10 called Hammy when I was tiny

Phosgene: only $10 credit and it's pay and go as far as I can discern...

Gledwood said...


Vi: maybe I have...

Patti: Green curry or red?

Penny: That is too true... February is most DEFINITELY the longest month in psychological time...

Indigo: you're welcome!


Gledwood said...


Mellowlee:

Preposterous: spring is round the corner like a jack in the box about to scare me with its sinister squarks

BM9: maybe 'twill be later...

Anon: bloody hell... I never even thought of the topsyturvy hemisphere...

Jeanette: cheers!


Gledwood said...

Mellowlee: how can I have been so rude and left you out!~??!? I'm so sorry! Many thanxx for your message... you're right spring is officially sprung all over the place (but not, I'm pretty sure in this country; here I believe it begins MID-March if not early APRIL...)

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood