HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, March 03, 2008

Over-Tired; Locked Out; Brains Frazzled...

TIRED. VERY TIRED. All weekend. ~All day. Listening to the radio. Listening to my inner self. Even when I attmeptedly called Vanessa this morning while giving my leg wound a decent squeeze I was reprimanded by the receptionist: "OK thanks for phoning. We might get back to you."

(In other words, "Your call was FAR too rabbitty and we cannot abide 19~to~the~dozen demi-incomprehsensibles like you. Please don't ring back. If you do your number's blacklisted so don't worry about it"... Surely something like alll that.)

I couldn't BELIEVE that I, Mr glibly blogging articulacy himself was discounted from speaking across the waves because I was too bumbling... such a shocking sign of the times. Such a shocking sign. I'm tired. Had enough. Can't do this nonsense any more. That's what life style has styled me out of...

So I'm finished.

My whizzy new window. My heavy new window. When I tie a tie round the handle; guess no what would occur. I'd tie the ligature round my neck. And crouching from the sill, jump down. My sheery eight would slam my window shut and my tubbiness send the latch clicking closed. Hence I'm locked out, hanging right in full view of my downstairs window's view, legs jigging and all underoing that "danse macabre" (the dance of death") right in his full view. Locked out of my own room by my sheer fatty overweightedness; jigging haplessly. Unless Mr Downstairs had the presence of mind to grab a scimitar to cut me down, I'm gone. Otherwise worst of all worlds: cut down; twenty-foot fall ~ two broken legs and a crushed windpipe with no voice. Horror upon horror. How I had broken...

I'm sorry to be negative, posting bad dreams, rotting imagery of the death-dancing self. No!

Though I've had enough of today and all my views, my life tells to me that a radical haircut and somehalfware across the world can achieve.

I have to go now. Apologies for nonsenickalness. Late. Tired. Frazzled. Depressed. Bear with me ~ if you can ~ ... Most appreciated...
;->...

25 comments:

Monogram Queen said...

Oh I am definitely sticking with you :) Feel better my friend

danny/ink2metal said...

hey gled,

i hope you get some rest and find a bit of sunshine to brighten your day.

take care and feel better.

Gledwood said...


PATTI: you really don't mind stickin' with me? Hey!, I'm flattered... what excellent stuff my darling... I'm bowled over with the LURVE of it all!!



DANNY: I HAD quite a lotta rest, thanxx... sunshine... well sunshine despite the clear, Alpine, wintry day... quite!

Gledwood said...


get in touch again, Danny please!

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed reading about your Pika looking Itchy below (heehee) and also enjoy your posting bad dreams and rotting imagery of the death-dancing self! If you really did that death dance, you wouldn't be around any longer to write about it. SHOCKING! :O

SPRING is on its way!

Liz Hinds said...

Lots of people care about you, gleds!

And I tell you it is more of a pleasure to come here, even when you are low, than to visit some of the blogs that make me want to scream with their idiocy and ego. You are totally ego-less and absolutely worthwhile spending time with.

xx

Nicole said...

GLED - You must be persistent with the medical people. Although, that's easy for me to say, but what I mean is, don't let them treat you that way. Go down there and make them help you. I'm really angry that they don't recognise when someone is distraught.

Whitenoise said...

Hey Gled, lots of us rooting for you. Hope you feel better tomorrow...

Anonymous said...

hello,
it is pelikan..
cheers from Canada

junky said...

If it was me my stupid ass would flop out with too much gusto and end up smashing the downstairs neighbors window just in time to interrupt high tea.....
Chin up Gled.

Anonymous said...

Feel better soon!

A ton of people love you!

Gattina said...

Maybe if you read The script of my life I mean mine, it's so ridiculous that maybe you will feel better.

Gledwood said...

Anon: that's true if I believed in spirits from beyond the grave weejee boarding I'd say I'd weejee board messages back but I just think it's wicked spirits playing tricks so I won't go into that!

Liz: am I really? that's good then

Nicole: medical schmedickal. useless blinkered tossers the lot of them!

Whitenoise: I thought you said at first lots of us are rotting for you... too right! ROOTING... that is good. i shall put down hormone rooting powder so you can root even better!

Gledwood said...


Guild-Rez:... forgive my turgidity but what does "Guild-Rez" actually MEAN?... o! the bird. A pelican... are they bigger than herons? bigger than cormorants? or in between? how many fish does an average one decimate in a day..? do you know..??

Junkie: hey you might be able to grab a Mr Kipling's French Fancy through the smithereens of glass...

Preposterous: Cheers, Dears!

Gattina: Ridiculous? Surely not. I am ridiculousness's pomposity personified (well I like to think)... hOKay... I'm in a bit of a tearing rush right now so I'll come back, peruse and get back to you... many thanks for giving that url, Gattina!

ps have you heard anything from RUTH? as in http://ruthjen.blogspot.com ~?? Or has anyone else? Or Ruth! If you are reading this please tell me you're OK! ;->...

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I am so sorry you have been feeling so down and hope you can rise above it and be your cheery self
that we have come to know. I hope you can get some help for your leg
soon as it has been a while since it got bad. Take great care, Try to smile and life will improve when the weather warms up some. I smiled at the Pizza opening on British TV and the handy little accessories called a knife & fork. There are railways from Sydney to Perth going through Adelaide. Another goes through Melbourne, but you have to change trains. The long
grass looked untidy, not much liklihood of nasties, but it's better to be sure than sorry.
Very Best Wishes, Merle.

Shadow said...

yikes, i think you're just about ready to write a new dictionary, heee heee

hang in there, spring is on it's way!

molson said...

Since nobody asked, I will. Does Vanessa know anything about anything or does she just mindlessly dole out obvious common sense advice from a ready made script?

Anonymous said...

a Bit melodrammatic I think............get a grip boy!!

Ed & Jeanne said...

I never let my brain pause long enough to complain about being frazzled. As to over-tired...is that like over-easy without all the calories?

Akelamalu said...

I am worried about you but definitely sticking with you! x

Liz Hinds said...

Ooh, I've been selected as the potential winner of an Audi A3! Bother, my time to collect my prize ran out ...

Gledwood said...


Merle: I've had LOTS OF SLEEP and so should be thoroughly refreshed ... long grass see the whingeing Pom in me sees only nasties not just the mess... I bet your garden looks lovely... and the houses round by you like those on Neighbours ... I've been to the drs twice; 2nd time was to see a consultant. Even though I had a nasty wound on my leg it was not infected. They gave me the strongest antibiotics as it would be a premium site for an infection to develop. It's fine ~ scabbed over. Just a bit weepy. And to think that is ALL down to bad "drugs" (or "cut" in the drugs...)

Shadow: spring's officially "sprung" in some parts (even Russia) I'm sure the British spring doesn't start officially till mid-March even April :-<...

Molson: Vanessa is a regular talk show radio phone-in hostess (not an agony aunt) though she did have a Sally-Jessy/etc style TV show which quickly fell through (can't remember why)... she is very bright, very articulate. Usually the phone ins are about 3 or 4 topics e.g. nurses (illtreated, underpaid), pajamas (or "pyjamas" as you're meant to spell it in the UK I prefer the American version): do you wear them, young people being mugged by their peers... etc etc she is very bubbly and not at all thick. Doesn't presume some higher ground and because she's on BBC London she's not allowed political bias not that she ever seemed that political anyhow ~ not like Rush Limbaugh or Harold Stern or them kind of people... ;->...

Gledwood said...


Anon: OK OK! I've got my grip back I was only rather tangledly thinking aloud ... (haha!! ;->...)

Ve: it's very calorie free only it would tend to push you into over-eating liberally or massively UNDER-eating due to the frazzled stress of it all :-<...

Akelamalu: I'm OK please don't unstick though ... I would feel really... "unstuck" then..!!

Liz: o I know I nearly diarrhoea'd myself I was so excited about that prize I've "nearly" won it about 38,000 times myself ;->...

Ookami Snow said...

This didn't sound like too happy of a day.

Gledwood said...

It wasn't! Thanks for the message tho

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood