Hello 2009!

WELL I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A HAPPY ONE Y'ALL... did yous all go to great TV-news-captured celebrations? Or just stayed in and got staggering drunk? Or just stayed in and drank half a grape juice? Which is worse? Depends where you're coming from...

Well I "used" yesterday and some urgency told me to get all three hits done and dusted before the fateful chimes (any excuse to use quickly). Which meant I spent most of yesterday evening comatose kind of half hanging off the bed (which is how I always sleep on drugs: if not bolt upright head lolling backwards or in some other odd position...)

I had half a mind to go out and hit the local populace for spare change, the theory being that drunk + red letter day = generous (well it always used to). I've not gone begging in quite some time so that would have felt like a step backwards. Instead I stayed in bed agonizing about this and watched Elton John see in 2009 with celebrity friends blablah...

Can I just say: what on earth was that I spewed out yesterday? Not so much WHAT I wrote but the words... I just looked them over; they went duhduhduhDUDUDUHHH on me. Which is writing in serious need of hacking around. In mitigation, may I say that I DID write the entire post in shorthand. Which involves staring at a page full of what looks like barbed wire HOPING that some words might eventually emerge. It can be a forlorn hope.

Anyway that's about all. I have not used in 2009 (except methadone), and I don't feel that spectacular as a result. My willpowe is wavering and, while we're on "clean" I have realized I'm going to put a hell of a lot more welly into this process than before... and STOP MAKING EXCUSES! Which I am World Expert at...

I was reading a book by an Aussie chick who experimented with heroin after student days... wound up as a street hooker, jumped into the legalized 6-room brothel system they run in Melbourne and became one of their most prized "ladies"... anyway SHE was saying she went right through detox-'n'-rehab after 2 years of daily using and sailed through the withdrawal part. Only when she became hooker extraordinaire did her habit really amp up. My point being that by 2 years I had the most reeking habit on "gear" was so badly addicted it was unreal. Most of this was psychological and that's my point but I couldn't even watch morning television without the most overpowering association to scoring. As I'd turn up 10am at the same person's house each morning Mon-Fri and there we would await "da man" as BBC's daily tripe spewed on. Not to mention eating, sleeping everything else in life being by this time totally tied up with using. It was impossible.

Anyway today I've been drinking weak cyder (someone dropped a full bottle on my road and waste not want not) and as I say not using and where there's life there is hope! Sorry I've got to go my brains are hobbled...

I'M STILL STANDING
OK this one came on last night's Elton-a-thon. I 1st heard this at school (of all places) where this 13 yr old girl stood up and belted it out expressing all that it meant... which is kind of remarkable. But WHO chose this deadbeat-a-delic video? They should be terminated!