HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

All too Fast + No More Trotting From the Donkey

I THINK BASHFUL ROBOROVSKI IS DYING. She is certainly ill. Seems to have lost her sense of balance and spins round and round. This is a genetic fault and nothing can be done about it. There she was, huddled inside a cardboard box last night all sicksome. I fed her sweetcorn and Bill Oddie's Breakfast Birdseed. Her backbone is sticking out of her fur like a metal arch. Her eyes have been getting progressively blearier for days and days. Spherical on the other hand looks bright as anything.

Imagine my surprise this morning to see her drinking of her own accord of the waterbottle. Maybe miracles do happen, even for MC Trotter Donkey..? It was weird to see her behaving normally again. Hopefully this means an end to it. I think the same illness killed Itchy ...

Spherical glares at me with suspicion and retreats into a Channel Tunnel size cardboard tube I gave them. There her Carrot Nose sticks out quivering with contention. She seems to consider me some kind of evil sorcerer. Maybe it's because my eyes lit up luminous green when I'm angry ..? Who Nose..??!?

Maple Syrup, my Drug Worker, phoned me today asking what's wrong. She actually asked how I was!! I do think Maple Syrup is very clever by taking a different tack from all my other workers. Some of it has worked.

In psychology one thing I do recall: you had what they named Intrinsic and Extrinsic Motivation. Extrinsic motivation is doing something because somebody is manipulating you or threatening you. Intrinsic motivation does things because it WANTS to. I only work well intrinsically. Maybe what got missed yesterday is that I DO want to do these groups; but do NOT want to do them because I'm threatened or cajoled or bullied. I try not to be the type of person who cuts off his nose to spite his face, but dealing with Maple Syrup this becomes an ever-so-temptational course of action...

I told Maple Syrup I'm all up for these alternative therapies but they're being scheduled too fast. One thing at a time.

Finally she seems to have listened ...

7 comments:

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Glad to hear you may be warming up to your drug's worker a little more. You need help my friend, professional help. It would be so good to see you get out of this addiction trap, it prolly not much different from being jailed.

Crossing my fingers that your little hamster continues to do well :)

Akelamalu said...

I hope bashful continues to recover. :)

Baino said...

Awww nooo . . poor Bashful. I hope it's not the same as Itchy's illness. Good that she's drinking and up and about though and well done recognising your motivation. Your drug worker seems to be respecting that you're an 'intrinsic' by trying different approaches. Communication is the key Gleds . . she can take a horse to water and all that. Good luck to you.

Syd said...

I am hoping that Bashful will be okay. I can't take more hamster sadness. Sorry Gleds. I just love animals.

Puss-in-Boots said...

I hope Bashful does come right, Gleds. Poor little hammy.

Yes, I know what you mean by Intrinsic...I'm one of those, too. Anyone starts manipulating or pushing me, I get all stubborn and dig my toes in. As they say, I can be led, not pushed and obviously you're the same.

Your social worker seems to have worked you out, maybe? Let's hope so and hope she has some success, hmmm?

kelly Al-Saleh said...

Re: Bashful
Oh no! Can you take her to the vet?
Is she old/middle aged?

Re: Enforced help
I know how you feel. When they pile the pressure on you to attend these things it robs you of feeling you are helping yourself and I think that's very important. You've got to do this off your own back otherwise it's meaningless and feels like you're doing it to please them or tick the check boxes.

Two wrongs don't make a right and forcing someone to do something even if it's good for them is wrong.
As for contacting you in the last minute, that is so disrespectful. It implies you're a druggie that sits round all day doing fuck all. The 'system' is full of nonsense that doesn't really benefit anyone.

As for the group meetings, I've stayed well away from them. I really don't want to hug a stranger and spill my guts out to them. I'd rather talk one-to-one with trained professional. Some of those NA meetings seem to have a religious theme like with the prayer they do. What if you're an atheist addict?

anyway, gotta go.
you take care and same for the robos!

x Kelly

Gledwood said...

Aye you're all right. I hate feeling I'm being forced. Though I would like to think I'm not stupid enough to cut off my nose to spite my face (would LIKE ...)

Bashful appears to be a bit better. Everything I read about Roborovski Spinning Syndrome says it's incurable (yet not necessarily constant) so I'm hoping it's just going away ...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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