HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, May 08, 2009

Snowballs!

ALL I WAS THINKING about this morning was what a strong, fixating hold this heroin drug has over me. I can't think of anything else that comes close.

When I used to smoke crack I always saw it as rubbish and couldn't care whether it was good or bad. It took the dealers a while to pick up that I was extremely discriminating about the one drug (heroin) and could barely care less about the other.

Basically I used crack to jazz up the heroin hit. This is a so-called snowball or speedball. The combination is extremely addictive. When I tried to stop it, heroin alone seemed extremely boring, like a dry old bit of stale bread without butter. Or tea without sugar.

The leaflet I read the other day said that heroin doubles the amount of dopamine in the brain; crack quadrouples it; but heroin and crack together makes a x10 high. THAT explains why it was so hard to give up ~ even though I was still using heroin.

A stupid girl from South London is awaiting trial in a Lao prison for attempting to smuggle a 700g packet into Thailand (and presumably on to the West). If found guilty she faces the firing squad. Good for her! Anything's gotta be better than doing life in a South-East Asian prison...

PS: there are no old junkies? Not at all true. I know loads. Though not a single one would inject in the crook of the arm: that vein is always first to go. These characters have legs like porridge from repeated skinpopping abscesses...

10 comments:

Catvibe said...

Hey Gled, just dropping by to say hello. I just read your last few posts, and it sounds like you're living in a new place! Happy housewarming, and I hope it goes alright for you.

Jeannie said...

I could use some dopamine in my brain but I'm glad I'm too chicken to try this stuff. Frankly, I'm always amazed that anyone starts now with the knowledge of what's in store for them - even just teens smoking. On the other hand, I've watched myself get fatter knowing it can't lead anywhere good so I'm no better - pot calling the kettle black. But I wonder what it is with us that we choose to do things we know aren't good.

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Ew, 'skin popping legs like porridge' doesn't sound like a good time to me.

Syd said...

It gives me the creeps just thinking about it.

Akelamalu said...

I cannot imagine anything giving enough pleasure to make sticking a needle in myself worthwhile. :(

I have the horrible feeling you're going even further downhill Gled and that is really, really sad. :(

Fishwhiskers said...

Hey Gled ... u forgot to mention that the young woman in Laos is also pregnant and was impregnated SINCE entering the prison there. If everybody got shot for trying to smuggle heroin, I would have been shot in Turkey!!! Glad I am alive though ;) K x

Fishwhiskers said...

Oooops ... I just noticed that u mentioned that in an earlier post. Lucky those who look before they speak. Blame it on red wine tonight :D

Baino said...

Aww stop it! You have given up the crack tho haven't you? Anyone . .and I mean anyone . . who tries to smuggle drugs gets what they deserve. We're still waiting to hear the fate of the Bali nine caught 2 years ago and still in prison in Bali. Stupid kids.

Puss-in-Boots said...

I dunno, Gleds. You seem to be more obsessed that ever with the drugs...is because of the depression you've had that's caused this? Whatever, I think it's terribly sad.

Gledwood said...

Catvibe: it's lovely thanks. But a bit suburban...

Jeannie: I had seen up close what heroin did, so I was terrified of becoming an addict. Yet I loved the effects of the DRUG. (Not any image or "trendy" thing.) If any other factor came into play it was sheer rebelliousness: against my anti-heroin (yet pro-ecstasy/coke) peers. Also I was deceived by how easy it seemed to be to stop... at first. But not later...

Reeny: it's horrible!! Women persist more with skinpopping as they've more blubbersome thighs. Men give up and smoke...

Syd: I know what you mean. I used to hate injections at school. Whatever possessed to me hold out my arm I'll never know (well I do: I'd already smoked it...)

Akelamalu: I was reading a heroin memoir "beautiful needle" came up and I suddenly saw it from a nonaddict point of view and that sounded so sick...

Fishwiskas: I was looking at the one photo in the papers thinking "poor cow". Then I saw another with a v different look in her eye and I thought "she thinks she can get away with anything". To be honest I'm quite sure she got pregnant deliberately and good on her. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do...

Baino: I have fantasized about bringing back a kilo or two but purely for personal use (never in a million years would I sell on an endless supply of cheap gear and make it less endless!!) I know someone who nearly got made "patsy" in Turkey. Ie the decoy while larger amounts passed by unnoticed... She found out when her little boy was taught the Turkish phrase "I fuck my mother" and realized their smiles were false ...

Pussinboots: I don't think any more so... I'm just mentioning it more (aren't I?)... I don't know

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood