HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Shooting Up In A Phone Box

HOW VULGAR! But that's what I did. It took me TWO HOURS to get from suburbia to this certain dealer's "urbia". TWO HOURS of faffing around for a post office open enough to get MY OWN MONEY OUT. Faffing for the right bus and a route where someone had not been murdered leading to yards and yards of it cordoned off (like yesterday). Then finally about twenty minutes into my pacing about in an "obviously not waiting for the bus" way at this innercity stop da man turns up. He didn't seem to notice I palmed him off with short money. Then I was so agitated at missing the first bus home and then useless ones to places like John O'Groats and other areas I do not live I thought "oh bugger it", went into the public urinal-cum-phone box (without Big Ben views), poured out a bit of my cyder-and-Lucozade drink and made that into a yummy hit of gear that I jammed into my leg whilst having an imaginary conversation. I don't think anybody noticed and I don't know whether it was unfamiliar surroundings or what, but the drugs were rather good ...

Anyway I'm back by my old house and procrastinating packing the very last. This is because I'm weary and weighed down with cooked chicken thighs and mushrooms and spring onions. My Mumzy bought me intellectual noodle nests (highly intellectual: bilingual instructions in Sumerian and Akkadian with Pi to 10,000 places...) and easy Chinese meals are calling.

My hamsters have got over the horror of being placed in the middle of a table for all to see, if only there were a collection of people to peer in and view them. Spherical had taken to glaring at me balefully then vanishing down a Trotters' Tube, her giant furry backside rumbling behind her ...

10 comments:

Akelamalu said...

I'm sorry but I found your description of what you did in that phone box horrifying Gleds. You live so dangerously. :(

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Someone told me that London was getting rid of the red phone booths! Say it ain't so.....

Baino said...

Oh and I thought being further away from your dealers might deter you somewhat.

Syd said...

Gleds, I like reading about the cooking and the hamsters but twinge at the thought of shooting up in a urinal type phone booth.

Lou said...

Uggg..too much information for me, Gledwood.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Jeez, Gleds. Were you that desperate? Think of all the bacteria...eewwww.

kelly Al-Saleh said...

Baino, you'd be surprised the distances we would travel to see a dealer and the bullshit we're willing to put up with from them. Once the idea is in your head, nothing will stop you, you have to see it through or go mad.

Gleds, not quite the same but I've tooted in a phone booth with my pal. That wouldve looked really dodgy I'm surprised we didn't get done.
Obviously with tooting, you get that 'delightful' fishy smell (which used to make me heave), is it the same with injecting?
It is better to wait til you get home if you can help it. I hate public toilets and I'm super paranoid. Always carry deodourant spray with me to hide the smell. Have been kicked out of some places - very embarrassing.

Monday was torture with transport. The Victoria line was down so mayhem descended over London. Hope you managed to avoid that.

How's the writing?
Glad you like your new place. My mood is so influenced by my surroundings.

x2 bowls of sweet Kelloggs cornflakes with ice cold milk - Yummy.

take care & b careful
x Kelly

Jeannie said...

Have to wonder if the original writer of Dr. Who got the idea...

Sounds gross but you gotta do what you gotta do.

Whitenoise said...

I have this fear that one day I'm going to visit and your blog will have gone silent... That stuff's going to kill you sooner or later.

Vincent said...

Classy ;-)

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood