I AM FED UP of being emotionally blackmailed and pushed into drugs group meetings I do not want to go to but attend mostly so it looks good on my record. The reasoning is the same as drug-dealers use: well what else would you be doing? A real disrespect for my own time. Today, my worker rang up pretending to be someone else. I know it was her as she ended with "don't let me down" ~ typical of the coercive language my worker uses when it was I who was supposed to be going for a shiatsu/massage thing, I who'd reap the supposed benefits, I who would only let myself down by nonattending. The appointment (already a missed appointment, which is why I had barely an hour's notice) will go free to a staff member if no "client" is there to pick it up. So it wasn't being wasted if I also failed to show.
How come I have let myself get pushed into this? Maple Syrup (my druggie worker) acts like it's a crime when I don't go (and I haven't been so far). Other times I simply forgot, or couldn't get there on time. She has no respect for the fact that I'm doing other things today, tomorrow, every day. And I'm not telling her what. I don't have to justify myself. So anyway I pushed myself into this appointment thinking it was shiatsu. I really didn't want to go. Turned out it was some kind of massage. The last thing I wanted was somebody grabbing at me. They all think push push push your boundaries down, face fears; you always feel better. I have pushed pushed pushed before; against fear, despair, fatigue. And do you know what happened? I drove myself into a breakdown. I pushed so hard; and I felt so increasingly ill. Something had to give ~ and eventually it did.
So I'm not doing that again, especially when it's mindgames: her pretending to be someone else.
A big drawback to NA is the tradition of hugging thy neighbour at the end. Sometimes I've found this so difficult I've just left early to avoid it... It was the same today: I did not want anybody near me.
I turned up late in a bad mood. Went very reluctantly into the treatment room, then said "sorry I cannot do this" and ran out as fast as I could.
The egotism of shyness - A few posts ago I wrote about feeling responsible for killing people. I realised today that I blame myself for many things. Most things. To be honest quite...
5 hours ago