HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

La Belle France!

IN MY USUAL DEPRESSION LAST NIGHT I was casting around for ideas when suddenly one struck me that has struck me again and again: why don't I go en vacances? Usually I assume that a methadone script is stopping me ~ until I remember how very many folks I know who have indeed gone abroad with the methadone in tablet form (no way would I even consider exporting litre on litre of swilling green 1mg/1ml liquid...) What some of these people don't want to recognize is that the Home Office Letter they take for customs purposes permits only the export of methadone from the UK. Of course it is up to individual foreign countries to decide whether they will allow it in. Bue la belle france is our nearest neighbour in the ever-"freundlich" Europäische Union (not that I'm suggesting Germany's in charge). So that shouldn't be un problème ...

When he was younger, my Dad did a tour of the outlying isles of Scotland and indeed I tell myself I would like to see the more outstanding points of my own country. Then I think to la belle france and ~ hey ~ actually I'd far rather go there (and hop across the border to Germany, come to think about it.) I spent seven years torturously studying French under the wholly timewasteful British system of language education at school and five doing German. And doesn't it say everything that I actually speak German better than French? To be quite frank anyone with half a brain could attain the fluency I did in 3 or 4 years of concerted effort. I sacrificed all kinds of easier studies ~ I even had to give up chemistry to do this. Languages are hardly regarded as sacrosanct in the UK. Then everyone assumes I must be somehow genius-clever just because I attained what is really a basic skill for any citizen of the world. I think if I'd got to this age as a monoglot I really would have killed myself ~ from the shame of it, if nothing else. The British are no "worse" at learning languages than anyone else; it's just that they're taught to an execrably lower standard here than almost anywhere else on the entire planet (and that must surely be saying something...); plus when you go abroad you get less chance to practise, being surrounded by locals who want to practise their English on you!

I suppose this could have been a long entry on the glories of la république. My time in France has been limited to about three weeks or so I spent with a charity called Jeunesse et Reconstruction in the last summer of my teens when I joined a pan-European gang of youngsters on a river-pruning expedition between Clermont-Ferrand and Bourges. If you stuck a pin in the middle of the French hexagone; that's just about where we were... You only had to hack at the banks for about three hours a day then you got the rest of the time off to explore la campagne. To this day I know the names of basic farming and tree-surgical implements better in French than English. I also learned important phrases like bourdon (bumblebee) and nid des guêpes (wasps' nest!) Those are imprinted on my mind. I also learned that a lot of soft French cheese is like white horse manure but the local plonk is exceptionally cheap. The local mayor gave us lots of that as we were the cheapest labour around... Plus I learned to swear fluently and say a collection of obscene phrases in Polish. And I met some dodgy Lithuanian gypsies. The youngest one "looked like Madonna" (bear in mind this was 1990 or 91 when "Vogue" had just come out) and kept fluttering her eyes at me. Her brothers caught the most gigantic fish with their bare hands in a local stream. The local hôpital psychiatrique was just round the corner and we were haunted by a transvestit drest as a Red Indian sqwaw girl. And somebody caught diarrhoea in the communal toilets leaving an Everestine pile of steaming ordures like a molten Mr Whippy caramel king-cone on the famous French squat-down loos ...

I also became familiar enough with the grande métropole that when I came to London I spent a while wondering where to find that island in the middle with a huge cathedral opposite the courts of justice. Not realizing, of course, that that would be la cathédrale de Notre-Dame opposite le Palais de Justice ...

In general I would say that Paris is more beautiful than London (though in a preplanned and perhaps stuffily regimented way; and the statlier parts of London somehow outdo Paris in élégance ...), in my day London definitely had the edge over Paris in nightlife and clubbing though Paris would probably appeal more to slightly older people who were more into eating out and drinking. London and Paris seemed to be pretty much equal when it came to shopping. Being so near of course I had to see Galleries Lafayette, the French Harrods with its giant atrium above the perfume hall. Unlike Harrods this is one store in two buildings connected by a high-up open-air walkway. And I swear that as I crossed the bridge I passed the image of French chic: yes a woman with black Chanel bob, in furs, reeking of French perfume clutching a small dog ...

O! Those were the days! I'll keep you informed if I ever do go. (I'll probably be 57 by then...)

12 comments:

Puss-in-Boots said...

I'll get my daughter to read your excellent post on France, Gleds. She is a Francophile of the worst order. I made the mistake of giving her a French name when she was born, much to her delight now.

That was a great read and even I am tempted to go to France. My prefered destination is Italy...

Vincent said...

Puss: How can a French name be a mistake? They are beautiful i think.

Gled: It's a goal worth aiming for mate. France is stunning!

Gledwood said...

J'ADORE LA BELLE FRANCE!

Liz said...

Just catching up.

Haven't been to Paris for years and years. Have a yen to go again.

Nice new flat, eh? But you don't like shiatsu? I do, sneds me to sleep and I start snoring. Embarrassing!

Lou said...

Auch du liebe! Gehe zum Deutschland. Die Francoise sind hochnasig. LOL..

Akelamalu said...

That was a good read Gleds. I learned French at my very first senior school but only for 18months then I moved out in the sticks and the schools there didn't teach any languages at all! I was devastated! :(

Baino said...

Great post. I've had a yearning to go to Paris for ever. I really don't know why and in 1995 I was in Jersey and so, so close but with the US leg of my trip still to go was a little concerned about funds . .I'll get there . . one of these days! Thanks for the travelogue!

sofia said...

hi gled. loved this post. here in portugal the teaching system is one of the worst in europe, i have studied french for 7 years and english for 5, as german, but definetlly it wasn`t enough.
but if you want to include portugal in those plans of travelling, you will find out a beatifull country full of history and nice things to visit.
here`s the invitation!!! lol

CrystalChick said...

Hello! I haven't been by in quite awhile.
My cousin LOVES Paris. I've never been. Some of Europe definitely interests me but I doubt I could take the flight with my extreme motion sickness. Just flying to Cancun last year, which took about 3 1/2 hours was very hard for me.

I hope you do get to go!

Happy weekend.

Audrey said...

Keep popping in now and again glad I read this one, it brought back lovely memories Gleds....What can I say...even at 57 its still good...never too late. Sorry to read about the Robo's :( hope bashful is okay

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

I was going to say what Audrey has said about being 57. That ain't so very old, you know. I think you should make going en vacances to la belle France a goal. Great post.

Gledwood said...

note to self: today's bloghop got me from "strawberry shortcake blog" (googled) to:
http://p90xstone.blogspot.com

I managed 6 degrees of separation in about 20 hops yesterday... came across old lady playing pool again ...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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