HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Sued by the Council (Again)

OK NOW I'm still not entirely finished moving out of my old place. Scraps of this and that lie all over the kitchen floor. The painter's probably coming in there today. Then I get a call from my Worker at the druggie place "the council say you've not been paying the weekly service charge where you live". That's because the council still think I live 2 houses away and have yet to give me any paperwork so I CAN pay even the last one (but I can't). On their computer I do not exist (except, oddly, for council tax purposes.) So I vented my fury at the poor druggie worker who said she'll ring back in the afternoon.

No I don't know why I took to jacking up drugs in a phone box. Maybe a childish part of me thought it might remind me of certain "old days" (when I was "young") and constantly "using" in bushes, public toilets (I once overdosed, woke up with my knuckles in pools of piss and the attendant yelling "we close now! Closing!!") One time me and a "mate" even found ourselves using on the far top landing of a block of flats with a screaming argument going on inside. Any moment the door could have flown open and fury been unleashed and this particular person seemed to take an age to complete the process, what with the fresh air blowing round the lighter flame and all... Then the drugs were in us and suddenly we couldn't care who might have seen. This is the same person I found myself standing a few nervous paces away from as he banged up by some rubbish bins under another flat. The poor woman who discovered him ~ right in the classic pose, needle poised at arm, went white in the face and, flustered started apologizing herself for being there and he said "that's all right" as if "well I'll let you off this once"...

No other news I have to fly...

PS I'm not sure quite where that big building is, could be New Mexico as far as I'm concerned, but it does look like where my local council's suing department might be housed...

10 comments:

Fishwhiskers said...

Remembering the days of jacking up in a phone box, on staircases, public toilets (they now have blue lights!!!) and behind bushes well. Hey I just realised, I remember those incidents better than I remember my father and mother.

Good luck with the council ... I usually have similar fun with authorities.

K xx

gledwood said...

Blue lights! Never stopped me getting a vein!!
Thanks for responding, as I said you really do remind me of someone I used to know...(! ooer!!!)

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Man. I couldn't imagine. Sigh. Sad.

Fishwhiskers said...

I never got a vein in the end anyway, Gled ... so it didn't matter to me either ;) K xx

Gonna change my profile pic and see if I still remind u of somebody LOL

Akelamalu said...

Are you aware you make it sound as though you think it glamorous rather than sordid Gleds? I really feel for you because the drugs have such a hold on you that you don't see it for what it is. How I wish there was something I could do to get you clean. :(

Syd said...

It sounds like a rough time to be doing drugs in bushes, toilets, etc. I hope that things get resolved with the council. Doesn't sound like much fun.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Typical - making sure they have a record of you for council tax and nothing else! Take care, Gleds.

Baino said...

I couldn't agree more with Akelamalu, it's not a glamorous thing to be busted with a needle in your arm in some compromising place. Fwoooaaar!

At least your drug working is helping with the council thing anyway.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Councils..pfft! Petty bureaucracy in it's prime, from the sound of it. That's pretty typical, what you're going through with them, Gleds. It's the same whatever country you live in.

As for the drugs...I just don't think I'll comment.

Vincent said...

Your council sounds a bit retarded. Councils often have this unfortunately...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood