HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Alpine Wanderings

THE BERLIN IDEA hit me because I had never been to a German-speaking country and yet I semi-speak the language. I focused on Berlin specifically because I like to be in the centre of things, so I would always think to go to the principal city of a country first... and East Berlin has long been an object of fascination.

Having said all that, emigrating was not an idea that sprang from the most positive frame of mind. To be frank, it was the only alternative I could think of, one dire afternoon, to suicide.

I still don't know why ~ and surely you can't judge a town till you've actually been there ~ but the idea of Berlin kind of leaves me cold. As cold as the perishingly chilly East winds that blow relentlessly over from Siberia in Berlin's sub-zero winters. I do still want to go, but am not sure how long I would want to stay.

An alternative town, with far more surface allure, would be Vienna. The photos I saw look beautiful and I like the thought of all that Alpine fresh air. I would love to go wandering up in the mountains and Austria is a tiny country of spectacular scenery with the wonders of the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Hungary, Slovenia, Italy, Switzerland, Lichtenstein and Germany all within easy reach.

Also I have heard the local konditorei (overpriced chocolate cakes/etc) is really good; and that the same number of people are spread out among Austria's sparkling lakes, glacial valleys, pine woods and cuckoo clocks as the 8.5 million crammed into London town!

And that's about all I have to say on the matter for now. It's hardly as if I've booked my ticket yet, so my travel plans remain wide open. Very slowly I am trawling the internet for the myriad details I really need to know before I get there.

It's a cloudless blue day. Fresh but not Alpine. Tomorrow's a public holiday so the main road's constipated with chugging jams of traffic on the way to in-laws, DIY-stores and Brighton Beach. I understand it's some sort of holiday in America, too.

Have a charming day, y'all. And I'll be back tomorrow...


Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Interesting. Haven't been to Berlin but Vienna is certainly very nice.

CrystalChick said...

Happy belated birthday! Hope it's a good year for you.

Sorry to hear you are without your little Bashful.

A trip to Germany sounds wonderful! Hope you get to go soon.

Yes, it's Memorial Day weekend here. It commemorates the men and women in the military who have died in service.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Going to Germany would probably be my very last choice--If given a choice. It just feels cold to me, in every way...I'm sure it is a hangover for me, of WW2 and the 1930's when BAD things were happening there to many of my relatives.

It is Memorial Day Weekend here in the U.S. It used top ALWAYS fall on the last day in May...I haven't a clue who or why they changed that...! (lol) Actually, I don't think it is funny...I think it sucks, because the whole purpose of Memorial Day was to Honor ALL those men and women who fought in all the many Wars the U.S. has been involved in, and who lost their lives---It was never about a 4 day weekend, as it is now.

Janice said...

Hi Gled,

Berlin and Vienna do sound interesting how would you pay your way to get there?

It's memorial day here in the states, the day was set aside to remember those who gave their lives so that we remain free. But mostly it's the first weekend break to go camping or have a family barbecue.


Akelamalu said...

I wouldn't mind going to Berlin, though I don't speak German, or any other language for that matter. Travelling always gives you something to look forward to, so keep it in your mind and it will given you something to strive for. :)

Gledwood said...

LoneGrey: you been there? What's it like? All I've heard is it's picturesque and has excellent konditorei ....

Crystalchick: war heroes? typical ~ I think our own holiday is just for the sake of it. Though we do have a Remembrance Sunday at the opposite end of the year...

Old Lady of the Hills: I used to hate such holidays. They remind me of having to take compulsory unpaid leave from my jobs which were always short-term or temping and I couldn't afford the time off ... ho-hummm ...

ps I thought I recognized you. I was playing "6 degrees of separation" where you pick a blog you don't know (or a friend of a friend's) and keep on hopping via comments till you eventually land on familiar ground...

I know what you mean about Germany's image problem BTW... I did German at school for years so I suppose it broke most of it down, but I still find myself sounding semi-apologetic at times when telling people I want to go, bc their attitude is there are so many more fascinating places on the continent... forgetting that Germany includes the Black Forest, Alps and some of the most spectacular scenery (in the South) in Europe...

Janice: my Mum said she would help me out. Also I would give up heroin and save ... (+ I have to save for a new passport anyhow...)

Akelamalu: aye I will!

AnnaGrace said...

Your very lucky in my eyes. To live in Europe, and be able to travel so easily to so many countries.

Here in America, we can travel to diffrent states, but everyone speaks the same language, and the laws are strick everywhere you go.
In the Southren US aka the bible belt, the law dosen't even allow phamacies to sell syringes without a perscription from a doctor. Like that's going to stop a junky. They believe that IV drug users should get HIV or Hep C and then burn in hell after death.
I suppose you have those types over in Europe. Right?

I guess, it always seems like there are greener pastures across the fence, or ocean in America vs Europe.

I wish you the best finding a place to rest your soul. I will rub my traveling Buddah's belly for you.

Sorry for the spelling errors, no spell check.

Gledwood said...

O yeah I am gladder to be in Europe. Not that I wouldn't love to see America but I would rather be somewhere you can go "abroad" within a 2 hour train ride than just same same same like you say.

I never got that southern states thing. Judge Judy said "let 'em use a dirty needle, catch aids and die" I have to say I agreed with her when I was depressed. I wished I could catch a fatal illness and fucking die.

I knew someone with aids and was torn apart by the sinister urge to bang up his dirty old filters or something

of course I was far too much of a wimp to do that but the thought did haunt me

yeah I would love to live in Austria bc there's so many places you can go

also I've never been there in my life so who knows what it's like ...

Baino said...

Vienna is arguably my second favourite city in the world. It's beautiful, modern, steeped in history and there are flowers and music everywhere. Best of all, you really don't need to speak German in any major city over there in Germany or Austria, their English is spectacular. A bit frustrating if you want to practice your German! Goals are good, even if you never quite get to achieve them but remember to set some 'achievable' goals just to keep the dream alive. Start with a holiday plan!

Liz said...

I'm currently reading The Luminous Life of Lilly Aphrodite, which is set in Berlin. A very grim place. I wouldn't recommend it. Admittedly the book is set during both world wars ...

Gledwood said...

BAINO: excellent

but I'm wondering what's your most favourite town, then?

yes I'm thinking I'm going to need a holiday plan as I really can't decide which to go for ~ Berlin or Vienna ...

LIZZIE: there is a lot of depressing past about Berlin, but thankfully I'm not living there... more to the point ~ has George done any naughty escapades lately..?



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood