HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, May 22, 2009

At the Laundrette {+German Pop}

OR THE "LAUNDROMAT" as I believe you Americans call it...
Finally I washed my stinking clothes today. Because there is no washing machine at my new place, personal or shared, I was reduced to the community laundrette round the corner ~ one of uncertain opening times. (Every time I think of going it is resoundingly SHUT.)
So today clotheswashing was first on my to-do list from waking up. Literally everything I have to stand up in is minging so it had to go in as a matter of urgency.
Sweatily I turned up, put £2.40 in the machine (not bad, considering that's 2 domestic washloads), added 200mls of Persil highly perfumed silky liquid and smoked fags and flicked through a religious booklet for 35 minutes ~ at which point my garments emerged sparkling white (far cleaner than any rented accommodation washing machine's ever got them). Then I trugged them home to dry out on my Ikea clothes horse ...

PS DOES NOBODY LIKE GREGORIAN CHANTS "VOYAGE VOYAGE"? I bought that disc (the original Desireless version) when it was #5 in the UK charts I'll have you know and I think it's wonderful. (The only bit of French pop I know in fact, apart from that 1960s schlockfest "Je t'aime" with gasping woman and prominent "organ" that makes the listener wanna exclaim "oh get a room!"...

Here's the one German pop song I know:

~~ Nina ~ 99 Red Balloons (neunundneunzig Luftballon) ~ hit #1 in the British chart in 1984. And most remarkably, got to #2 in the USA...



PS and this I found by the wayside... a 1987 Japanese hifi advert starring MADONNA:

7 comments:

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

I have a funny Gregorian chant story....

When I was about 23 I lived in this party house (that's all we ever did). This guy moved in and was super annoying, always trying to score with me and my lady friends. Pretty much an all around slime ball. He would go clubbing and come back at 7-8am so we would routinely throw on the Gregorian Chant CD that I had and blast it up against his wall.

Good times. The End.

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Gregorian Chant and whale calls, forgot about the whale calls.

Lou said...

I do not like perfumed detergent. But it is getting harder and harder to find "NO scent."

I don't know why. Another of life's mysteries.

Bimbimbie said...

That's what I'll be doing today too ... clothes washing. I left my thumbs up below re the Gregorian Chants video *!*

Jeannie said...

I forgot to say yesterday that I DID like the Gregorian chant version and the first but not so much the last. The song seemed vaguely familiar but not from around here - perhaps on holiday somewhere.

I did a triple load yesterday (a bunch of floor mats) for $5.25 and a couple regular washes for $2 each. I wasn't thrilled with the results. I'm always quite amazed that you Brits still hang your clothes to dry. It is, in fact, illegal for me to have a clothesline in my neighborhood (I guess to avoid offending my neighbors by hanging out my undies but I think they wear them too). I always thought the law was stupid and have a line strung under my deck so I can hang wool blankets and such in summer. They are looking to reverse this ridiculous rule due to conservation.

Merle said...

Dear Gleds ~~ Thank you so much for the Birthday wishes and I expect to have a lovely day tomorrow. Take care my friend and enjoy your life.
Regards, Merle.

Gledwood said...

Reeny: I can do wale calls! I used to sing 'em down the stairwell when I was waiting for my dealer in a particularly bleak council block...

Lou: my washing reeked of it because I added too much. I later found out it should have been 120mls not 200 but the washing was really CLEAN (for a change)...

Bimbimbie: happy washing. Isn't that Gregorian chanting dead French..?!? I think it's referencing that MCMXXCIV Sadeness Enigma record that came out in 1991...

Jeannie: typical everything should be cheaper in the US of A!! Oh yes everyone hangs out washing here, it's considered bad form in some parts even to possess a tumble dryer!

Merle: I hope today went fine ~ it should be past midnight your end by now...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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